Amazing advice from a National Newspaper Agony Aunt. Don't sit down with your girlfriend and have a frank, honest, reasonable discussion. Why would you ever consider that? No, what you wanna do is... Stalk the bitch.
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Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Saturday, 12 September 2009
A Gentle Probe
Little Miss Teenor posted this on her Facebook a while ago... Thought I'd steal it for myself. Nice to spend my time at work filling out pointless questionnaires. Especially this week, where I've needed any and every distraction available to me. These FUCKING SPREADSHEETS are killing me. I've never seen so many numbers in my entire life. It makes me want to cry.
Do you think you are an argumentative person?
Not especially. I try to stick my head in the sand and avoid conflict at all costs. I've had relationships where not one, single argument took place. I'm proud of that. Of course, arguing was ALL that went on in my relationship with Humpy. And at work, I get quite 'animated' when fighting my corner - as Big Debbie discovers everytime she tries to impliment something that makes the shift harder to manage. So I can be argumentative, but it's not generally in my nature.
Would you rather have a rottweiler or a poodle?
Rottweiler, obviously. I'd call it AlanYentob. As per usual.
Ever driven into the ghetto to buy drugs?
I can't drive.
Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
Yes - plentiful amounts. They're pretty much the only friends I've not tried to rub my penis against. Which means our friendships normally last longer than those I have with those of the same sex.
What time did you get to sleep last night?
00:50.
Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?
Some old cow who thought that she could just push in at the bus stop. Bitch.
What colour are your eyes?
Brown.
Can you drive?
We've covered that. This questionnaire is getting boring now.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Retired.
What is something you realised today?
That I am my own worst enemy.
Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
No. And how fucking depressing is that?!
Have you ever ridden a horse?
Yes. Several times. He was called 'Fudge'.
What are you looking forward to in the next month?
Another Portsmouth trip, a weekend in Allhallows, couple of nights in my Bayswater palace and recieving my next pay cheque.
Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
I don't think I've changed that much. I think I'm still the same person - for better or for worse. But I don't feel as happy, as contented, as in control of my own life as I did this time last year. And that's a tad annoying.
Are you wearing jeans right now?
No... I'm wearing black shorts. Is that okay?
Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't?
Quite a few people, actually. 99% of the time, it's my own fault though. Because I'm a bit of a dick.
Closest green object to you?
An apple.
Has anyone ever sang to you?
Oh yes. Furby serenaded me with one of my favourite songs once. If he'd washed, maybe I would have enjoyed it more.
What are your favourite colours?
Purple and silver.
Did you kiss anyone when it turned 2009?
Yes...
Last thing you ate?
A whole block of grilled Halloumi Cheese. Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom.
Do you sleep with a fan on?
Yes.. Especially when I'm trying to sleep during the ridiculously hot summer days.
Do you sleep on your stomach?
It's the only way I can fall asleep... But then once I nod off, I tend to flail around quite a bit so frequently wake up in some ridiculous position, looking like a preying mantis or something.
Where did you get your last bruise from?
Jumping over some rather tall hedges. Long story.
Last person you got into a fight with?
An actual fight? Humpy - about a year ago.
What is your 'type'...?
Male.
How long does it take you to shower?
About 15 minutes.
Are you very flexible?
Nope. As I used to say to Humpy - "No, stop it, I don't bend that way..."
What did you do on New Year's Eve?
I dressed up as Dangermouse, got a little bit drunk, sang like a loon to Mr Brightside and looked forward to another year of the same sort of behaviour!
Was your Mum there?
Christ, no... Although we did give her a little phone call to inform her that I was "fucked" - She liked that.
Does anyone love you?
Well... I hope so. Someone must. Law of averages, and all.
How has the week been?
Completely wank, actually. Thanks for asking.
Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
I'm generally quite happy forcing my trials and tribulations on anyone and everyone I know - whatever gender they are. Sometimes they don't have to be human.
Where is your Mum right now?
Playing tennis.
What are you supposed to be doing right now?
FUCKING SPREADSHEETS!
Are you slowly drifting away from someone?
I get that impression, but I really hope I'm wrong. I really do.
Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
Warm if I've got a day off where I can go to the beach and enjoy it, cold if I have to work.
Have you ever kissed in the rain?
Yes... And it's almost as romantic as kissing in the snow. Me likes that.
Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms?
Yes, but generally the routine is a nice hug, then turn in opposite directions and fall asleep that way. I find it very hard to fall alseep in someone's arms - but it's always nice when it actually happens. It's even better to wake up and find I've dribbled all over them!
Does anyone hate you?
It feels like that sometimes...
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Yes, I do. Very much so.
Can you raise one eyebrow?
All the time! I look like a demented Roger Moore at work!
How do you feel when someone you like kisses you?
Erect, normally.
Do you walk around naked?
When I'm in a hotel room, or an empty house... Not because I'm a naturist, but because it saves on the washing and ironing!
What is the last song you listened to?
The Ascent Of Man by REM
Have you been to any concerts? If so, which ones?
Bon Jovi x3, Bruce Springsteen x6, Tom McRae x11, Paul Weller, Rod Stewart, Appleton, Mike & The Mechanics, Jonas Brothers, Keane, The Killers, Snow Patrol, Jason Mraz, Dawn Kinnard, Kate Aumonier, Party In The Park x3, Damien Rice, The Flaming Lips, Rufus Wainwright x2, Matchbox Twenty, Frankmusik. Off the top of my head.
Do you think you are an argumentative person?
Not especially. I try to stick my head in the sand and avoid conflict at all costs. I've had relationships where not one, single argument took place. I'm proud of that. Of course, arguing was ALL that went on in my relationship with Humpy. And at work, I get quite 'animated' when fighting my corner - as Big Debbie discovers everytime she tries to impliment something that makes the shift harder to manage. So I can be argumentative, but it's not generally in my nature.
Would you rather have a rottweiler or a poodle?
Rottweiler, obviously. I'd call it AlanYentob. As per usual.
Ever driven into the ghetto to buy drugs?
I can't drive.
Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
Yes - plentiful amounts. They're pretty much the only friends I've not tried to rub my penis against. Which means our friendships normally last longer than those I have with those of the same sex.
What time did you get to sleep last night?
00:50.
Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?
Some old cow who thought that she could just push in at the bus stop. Bitch.
What colour are your eyes?
Brown.
Can you drive?
We've covered that. This questionnaire is getting boring now.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Retired.
What is something you realised today?
That I am my own worst enemy.
Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
No. And how fucking depressing is that?!
Have you ever ridden a horse?
Yes. Several times. He was called 'Fudge'.
What are you looking forward to in the next month?
Another Portsmouth trip, a weekend in Allhallows, couple of nights in my Bayswater palace and recieving my next pay cheque.
Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
I don't think I've changed that much. I think I'm still the same person - for better or for worse. But I don't feel as happy, as contented, as in control of my own life as I did this time last year. And that's a tad annoying.
Are you wearing jeans right now?
No... I'm wearing black shorts. Is that okay?
Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't?
Quite a few people, actually. 99% of the time, it's my own fault though. Because I'm a bit of a dick.
Closest green object to you?
An apple.
Has anyone ever sang to you?
Oh yes. Furby serenaded me with one of my favourite songs once. If he'd washed, maybe I would have enjoyed it more.
What are your favourite colours?
Purple and silver.
Did you kiss anyone when it turned 2009?
Yes...
Last thing you ate?
A whole block of grilled Halloumi Cheese. Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom.
Do you sleep with a fan on?
Yes.. Especially when I'm trying to sleep during the ridiculously hot summer days.
Do you sleep on your stomach?
It's the only way I can fall asleep... But then once I nod off, I tend to flail around quite a bit so frequently wake up in some ridiculous position, looking like a preying mantis or something.
Where did you get your last bruise from?
Jumping over some rather tall hedges. Long story.
Last person you got into a fight with?
An actual fight? Humpy - about a year ago.
What is your 'type'...?
Male.
How long does it take you to shower?
About 15 minutes.
Are you very flexible?
Nope. As I used to say to Humpy - "No, stop it, I don't bend that way..."
What did you do on New Year's Eve?
I dressed up as Dangermouse, got a little bit drunk, sang like a loon to Mr Brightside and looked forward to another year of the same sort of behaviour!
Was your Mum there?
Christ, no... Although we did give her a little phone call to inform her that I was "fucked" - She liked that.
Does anyone love you?
Well... I hope so. Someone must. Law of averages, and all.
How has the week been?
Completely wank, actually. Thanks for asking.
Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
I'm generally quite happy forcing my trials and tribulations on anyone and everyone I know - whatever gender they are. Sometimes they don't have to be human.
Where is your Mum right now?
Playing tennis.
What are you supposed to be doing right now?
FUCKING SPREADSHEETS!
Are you slowly drifting away from someone?
I get that impression, but I really hope I'm wrong. I really do.
Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
Warm if I've got a day off where I can go to the beach and enjoy it, cold if I have to work.
Have you ever kissed in the rain?
Yes... And it's almost as romantic as kissing in the snow. Me likes that.
Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms?
Yes, but generally the routine is a nice hug, then turn in opposite directions and fall asleep that way. I find it very hard to fall alseep in someone's arms - but it's always nice when it actually happens. It's even better to wake up and find I've dribbled all over them!
Does anyone hate you?
It feels like that sometimes...
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Yes, I do. Very much so.
Can you raise one eyebrow?
All the time! I look like a demented Roger Moore at work!
How do you feel when someone you like kisses you?
Erect, normally.
Do you walk around naked?
When I'm in a hotel room, or an empty house... Not because I'm a naturist, but because it saves on the washing and ironing!
What is the last song you listened to?
The Ascent Of Man by REM
Have you been to any concerts? If so, which ones?
Bon Jovi x3, Bruce Springsteen x6, Tom McRae x11, Paul Weller, Rod Stewart, Appleton, Mike & The Mechanics, Jonas Brothers, Keane, The Killers, Snow Patrol, Jason Mraz, Dawn Kinnard, Kate Aumonier, Party In The Park x3, Damien Rice, The Flaming Lips, Rufus Wainwright x2, Matchbox Twenty, Frankmusik. Off the top of my head.
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