It seems that I can't.
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Sunday, 21 February 2010
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Can I Predict Who Killed Archie?
Several years ago - I could Google it to find out the exact date, but I can't be arsed (even though typing that sentence probably took longer than Googling the date, and yet STILL I continue waffling...) - I was "working" in Wapping.
I was sitting with the Editor of The Sun's TV Mag. We were in his office, discussing who should make it onto next week's cover, who would be attending the Crossroads relaunch (yes... It was THAT long ago) and generally talking about the process of putting the magazine together.
I sound like I was practically running the place.
I wasn't.
I was on work experience. And, in truth, he was probably only talking to me because his lovely PA had told him it'd be "nice for the spotty little urchin - look at him, sat there all sad and pathetic, typing up interviews with TV's Sylvia Hollamby and Queen Babs Windsor... Go on, you've not got any meetings for the next hour. Don't lie to me - I keep your diary, remember? I'm your PA. Go on, show willing. Bit of Christian charity?"
To reward the PA's faith in me, I concluded our meeting by managing to lock the Editor out of his own office. With hilarious consequences.
Anyway, he did actually spare me a whole hour of his time, which, for an Editor, is almost unheard of. And I did learn a lot. For example: Mike Baldwin was to be on next week's cover.
But the main topic of conversation was EastEnders, and the 'Who Shot Phil?' story that was due to conclude that very eve. I could have been asking all sorts of probing questions about editorial and journalistic methods; things that could have served me well in a future career. But no... I was more interested in hearing who he thought had pulled the trigger.
He thought it was Steve.
Fool. I told him, there and then, seven hours before broadcast... No - It was Lisa. Bet you it was Lisa.
And bugger me backwards with a spoon... It was! It was Lisa.
Except when I told that story, nobody believed me. Because nobody actually expected it to be her, so they didn't believe I'd guessed in advance. They certainly didn't believe I'd out-guessed the Editor of The Sun's TV Mag. A man whose job it was to know. They thought I was just saying that to try and look big, clever and wonderous.
Untrusting cunts.
So I've learnt my lesson... I'm writing this blog now, on Tuesday 16th February. Three days away from the EastEnders episode where Archie Mitchell's killer is revealed.
And I shall predict the naughty swine wot dun it. Right here.
I'm recording it here, so that there is no doubting my Miss Marple-like deductions. One of my Ex's used to call me Poirot, you know. (We didn't last. Oddly enough)
So, I think the killer will be revealed as...
(This is like a less exciting installment of Derren Brown, isn't it?)
*DRUMROLL*
...Well, now hang on.
It's always the wife. It was Chrissie "Sexy Big Hair" Watts who killed Dirty Den. It was Amanda Donohoe who killed 'im off of Grease 2 in Emmerdale. It's always the wife.
And Babs Windsor is leaving, so it MUST be her. And she's one of the very few who haven't been obvious suspects, so it MUST be her. Everything points to her.
Except I fail to believe for one second that she could lift that fucking great big statue. She's smaller than Wee Jimmie Krankie's dong. How could tiny Peggy Mitchell pick up that great big thing and use it as a weapon?!
So it's not the wife. It can't be. Physically impossible.
It's not Ronnie. She told Dot she didn't do it - and no-one lies to pretty Dot. They tell Dot their deepest, darkest secrets, they don't lie to her. Plus, Ronnie's too obvious. Same as Bradley or Janine - all too obvious. Roxy has never displayed any emotion other than love towards Archie, so if she turns out to be the killer, it will be the massive twist we're looking for... But it will be completely unbelievable.
I'm hoping it's Danny Mitchell. Just because it means I get to see him again. He's gorgeous. I want to lick his hair.
For a long time, I did think it was Jack. They've not made him too obvious a suspect, so it'll still be a bit of a shock. It would lead to a few storylines with Ronnie (who he presumably did it for) and Roxy (who would probably be a bit narked and withhold custody of Amy a little bit). And if Bradley gets the blame - which is where this plot seems to be going - even though Jack is the real murderer, then Max isn't going to be too pleased, kicking off another brotherly feud.
I can't think of any other outcome that could kick off as many repercussions as it being Jack. That was my thought process behind picking Lisa as being the rascal who gunned down Phil, so I'm applying it here as well. It was Jack.
Jack killed Archie.
Maybe?
Oh, but I keep going back to Peggy. It's the show's 25th Anniversary - It's a live episode. It's a big occasion. Peggy IS EastEnders. It HAS to be her.
I was sitting with the Editor of The Sun's TV Mag. We were in his office, discussing who should make it onto next week's cover, who would be attending the Crossroads relaunch (yes... It was THAT long ago) and generally talking about the process of putting the magazine together.
I sound like I was practically running the place.
I wasn't.
I was on work experience. And, in truth, he was probably only talking to me because his lovely PA had told him it'd be "nice for the spotty little urchin - look at him, sat there all sad and pathetic, typing up interviews with TV's Sylvia Hollamby and Queen Babs Windsor... Go on, you've not got any meetings for the next hour. Don't lie to me - I keep your diary, remember? I'm your PA. Go on, show willing. Bit of Christian charity?"
To reward the PA's faith in me, I concluded our meeting by managing to lock the Editor out of his own office. With hilarious consequences.
Anyway, he did actually spare me a whole hour of his time, which, for an Editor, is almost unheard of. And I did learn a lot. For example: Mike Baldwin was to be on next week's cover.
But the main topic of conversation was EastEnders, and the 'Who Shot Phil?' story that was due to conclude that very eve. I could have been asking all sorts of probing questions about editorial and journalistic methods; things that could have served me well in a future career. But no... I was more interested in hearing who he thought had pulled the trigger.
He thought it was Steve.
Fool. I told him, there and then, seven hours before broadcast... No - It was Lisa. Bet you it was Lisa.
And bugger me backwards with a spoon... It was! It was Lisa.
Except when I told that story, nobody believed me. Because nobody actually expected it to be her, so they didn't believe I'd guessed in advance. They certainly didn't believe I'd out-guessed the Editor of The Sun's TV Mag. A man whose job it was to know. They thought I was just saying that to try and look big, clever and wonderous.
Untrusting cunts.
So I've learnt my lesson... I'm writing this blog now, on Tuesday 16th February. Three days away from the EastEnders episode where Archie Mitchell's killer is revealed.
And I shall predict the naughty swine wot dun it. Right here.
I'm recording it here, so that there is no doubting my Miss Marple-like deductions. One of my Ex's used to call me Poirot, you know. (We didn't last. Oddly enough)
So, I think the killer will be revealed as...
(This is like a less exciting installment of Derren Brown, isn't it?)
*DRUMROLL*
...Well, now hang on.
It's always the wife. It was Chrissie "Sexy Big Hair" Watts who killed Dirty Den. It was Amanda Donohoe who killed 'im off of Grease 2 in Emmerdale. It's always the wife.
And Babs Windsor is leaving, so it MUST be her. And she's one of the very few who haven't been obvious suspects, so it MUST be her. Everything points to her.
Except I fail to believe for one second that she could lift that fucking great big statue. She's smaller than Wee Jimmie Krankie's dong. How could tiny Peggy Mitchell pick up that great big thing and use it as a weapon?!
So it's not the wife. It can't be. Physically impossible.
It's not Ronnie. She told Dot she didn't do it - and no-one lies to pretty Dot. They tell Dot their deepest, darkest secrets, they don't lie to her. Plus, Ronnie's too obvious. Same as Bradley or Janine - all too obvious. Roxy has never displayed any emotion other than love towards Archie, so if she turns out to be the killer, it will be the massive twist we're looking for... But it will be completely unbelievable.
I'm hoping it's Danny Mitchell. Just because it means I get to see him again. He's gorgeous. I want to lick his hair.
For a long time, I did think it was Jack. They've not made him too obvious a suspect, so it'll still be a bit of a shock. It would lead to a few storylines with Ronnie (who he presumably did it for) and Roxy (who would probably be a bit narked and withhold custody of Amy a little bit). And if Bradley gets the blame - which is where this plot seems to be going - even though Jack is the real murderer, then Max isn't going to be too pleased, kicking off another brotherly feud.
I can't think of any other outcome that could kick off as many repercussions as it being Jack. That was my thought process behind picking Lisa as being the rascal who gunned down Phil, so I'm applying it here as well. It was Jack.
Jack killed Archie.
Maybe?
Oh, but I keep going back to Peggy. It's the show's 25th Anniversary - It's a live episode. It's a big occasion. Peggy IS EastEnders. It HAS to be her.
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