The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang by Steven Moffat
"Nothing is ever forgotten, not completely. And if something can be remembered, it can come back"
Almost a year to the date since it was first transmitted, and several viewings later in an attempt to fully grasp "WTF?!" I have finally got round to reviewing the finale of Series Five. A bit like that massive piece of coursework that you've been putting off and putting off, the final result is far from grade-winning. It's a bit of a rush-job, and only features three (what I consider to be) "jokes". The rest is just bluster and pointlessness. I promise to up my game in time for Series Six.
(NEXT WEEK, PEEPS! Much excitement!)
Anyway...
Opening with a re-appearance from various guest characters - Ginger Vince, Ever-Drooling Churchill, Comedy Cockney Queen Lizzy - you got the feeling that all the little seeds Moffat had planted throughout the series were about to flourish.
Well... Erm... Some did. Although it seems this series has raised more questions than it's answered...
River Song returned and snogged The Sexiest Prison Guard EVER (official) with her magic lipstick, before making an escape. Leaving in her place an hilarious picture of her saying 'BYE'...! I laughed a little bit too much over that one. She then threatened a giant smurf, POND found the engagement ring of her dead and forgotten fiancee, found a message on a cliff-face from River, who for reasons best known to Moffat, then appeared in Roman Britain dressed as Cleopatra. I would have preferred Cleo Laine, to be honest. She showed off Vinnie's painting of the TARDIS exploding and then - AND ONLY THEN - did the titles roll.
Phew. LOTS of ground covered there. This wasn't going to be a episode you could have one eye on, while the other eye looks over at how pretty the object of your affection is, despite having only got out of bed an hour before. See Doctor Who Watch #12. NO... This was going to be a episode you'd have to concentrate on.
And even then, chances are you wouldn't understand ALL of it.
The first part of this episode is mainly just hanging around waiting for the Pandorica to open. Sure, Amy gets attacked by the head of a Cyberman - terrifying for the first time since their abysmal re-imagining at the hands of RTD OBE (Assumpta Fitzgerald, anyone?) and Rory returns from the dead, as a Roman. And River figures out that the whole set-up is a trap, based on the memories of Amelia POND. But it's mainly just about waiting for that box:
"Built to contain the most feared thing in all the universe"
Was I being dense when I didn't figure that it was built to contain The Doctor?! I thought maybe it was Davros? Or the Emperor Dalek? Or 'The Silence' that's beem mentioned throughout the series? Or maybe even TV's Chloe Webber?! Is it foolish of me not to have grasped that it was actually meant as a prison for The Doctor? Well... When the penny finally did drop, I thought it was a brilliant twist. So I was rewarded for my thickness with a loin-quiverring 'OMG!' moment.
It was also an unbelievably funny episode. The smurf bloke, the Doctor's speech about surprising the Daleks - "we'd be killed instantly, so it'd be a fairly short surprise" - and Rory's "I died and turned into a Roman; it's very distracting" all made me do a hearty chuckle.
I also enjoyed Amy's "Invasion of the hot Italians. Yeah... I did get marked down for the title" - Reminded me of my own thesis on feminism in Shakespeare, entitled Othello And His Bitches.
But for all of its humour and action and plot twists and excellence, the whole thing didn't really take flight until the resolve of THAT cliffhanger. Sure, the Doctor gets trapped in the Pandorica. How's he going to get out of that one? Yeah. Okay. Good ending to Part One.
But when it opens in Part Two and POND is there instead of the Doctor... That's when you REALLY sit up and take note. WTF x20!
Wasn't she dead? Didn't Rory shoot her in the closing minutes of Part One? Did I cry my eyes out at the sadness of that scene FOR NOTHING?! Beautiful scene tho. Tragic scene.
As the Doctor flits from the past to the present to the future, wearing a Fez and carrying a broom (WONDERFUL!) all becomes clear. Well... As clear as it's possible to be when you're talking about sci-fi from Steven Moffat's brainbox. The Pandorica healed POND, so she's no longer dead. And she was revived by her thirsty seven-year-old self leaving a DNA imprint on the side of the Pandorica, which Rory had opened in the past with the screwdriver given to him by the Doctor in the future. And Rory the Roman is a Roman because he's part of the trap laid using Amy's memories, but is also actually Rory... For the same reason. Which means he's back from the dead. But surely still plastic?! Armed with a handgun. Literally.
The TARDIS exploding at the end of Part One caused the cracks in time, including the one in Amy's bedroom back in Episode One. So mystery solved there.
But what caused the TARDIS to explode in the first place? Maybe River Song's hair products had finally caught light?! Was it due to 'The Silence' and, if so, WHO THE PISSING HELL ARE 'THE SILENCE'...?!
I hope we'll find out. I hope it's explained. MANY a-question has been raised this series. It would be a shame if they weren't all answered, or if they were dragged out for longer than six series' of LOST. (Fucking Polar Bears)
And WHY is the Dalek scared of River Song? Who/WHAT is she?!
I loved River Song in the library episodes, but if she doesn't hurry up and reveal who she is soon, I might just have to spit in her hair! Intrigue can only last for so long before it just becomes plain annoying, and people stop caring. See also: 'Who killed Tom King?' in Emmerdale. And as I just said... All six series of LOST.
But the two-parter - and the series as a whole - ties up enough loose ends for it to serve as a highly satisfying conclusion, while leaving us still wanting more.
The solution to the slight problem of, you know, the END OF EVERYTHING seemed slightly more "realistic" than any solution to an RTD OBE finale. It seemed feasible, is what I'm saying. RTD OBE - Gawd Bless Him - used to say that because it's sci-fi, you can do anything. But he would often forget to marry that with, at least, a pinch of logic. Moffat, however, seems to write stories and plots and solutions that, for all their madness and fantasy, still have one foot in the "well, that kinda makes sense" camp.
RTD OBE wrote the line: "And the TARDIS pulls the Earth back home"
At least this finale - although less bombastic than RTD OBE's series conclusions - didn't leave you thinking: "Well, that's just fucking proposterous". And don't get me started on Series Three's Master retardation.
The Pandorica healing the universe - as it healed Amy - by being fired into the exploding TARDIS, and therefore, exploding at every point in space and time, WORKED as a solution.
And if nothing else, his sacrifice - 'death' by exploding Pandorica - gave us that quiet, tender scene where the Doctor asks "the girl who waited" if it was worth it. Not as tear-worthy as the RTD OBE finales, but it still made me damp around the eye-sockets for a brief moment.
The 'resurrection' of the Doctor, courtesy of planting 'memories' in Amy's mind (and then rushing back to Episode Five wearing a jacket - See Doctor Who Watch #17) was brilliantly done, and I got goosebumps during the "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue" speech at the wedding. I wouldn't be surprised if that one phrase was the kick-off point for Moffat, and everything else - the whole SERIES - came afterwards. It just seemed like everything was leading towards THAT phrase, and I actually applauded.
Yes.
Alone. In my flat. No-one around.
I applauded.
I suggest you watch the episode again and do the same.
Total Score: TEN out of TEN
"Nothing is ever forgotten, not completely. And if something can be remembered, it can come back"
Almost a year to the date since it was first transmitted, and several viewings later in an attempt to fully grasp "WTF?!" I have finally got round to reviewing the finale of Series Five. A bit like that massive piece of coursework that you've been putting off and putting off, the final result is far from grade-winning. It's a bit of a rush-job, and only features three (what I consider to be) "jokes". The rest is just bluster and pointlessness. I promise to up my game in time for Series Six.
(NEXT WEEK, PEEPS! Much excitement!)
Anyway...
Opening with a re-appearance from various guest characters - Ginger Vince, Ever-Drooling Churchill, Comedy Cockney Queen Lizzy - you got the feeling that all the little seeds Moffat had planted throughout the series were about to flourish.
Well... Erm... Some did. Although it seems this series has raised more questions than it's answered...
River Song returned and snogged The Sexiest Prison Guard EVER (official) with her magic lipstick, before making an escape. Leaving in her place an hilarious picture of her saying 'BYE'...! I laughed a little bit too much over that one. She then threatened a giant smurf, POND found the engagement ring of her dead and forgotten fiancee, found a message on a cliff-face from River, who for reasons best known to Moffat, then appeared in Roman Britain dressed as Cleopatra. I would have preferred Cleo Laine, to be honest. She showed off Vinnie's painting of the TARDIS exploding and then - AND ONLY THEN - did the titles roll.
Phew. LOTS of ground covered there. This wasn't going to be a episode you could have one eye on, while the other eye looks over at how pretty the object of your affection is, despite having only got out of bed an hour before. See Doctor Who Watch #12. NO... This was going to be a episode you'd have to concentrate on.
And even then, chances are you wouldn't understand ALL of it.
The first part of this episode is mainly just hanging around waiting for the Pandorica to open. Sure, Amy gets attacked by the head of a Cyberman - terrifying for the first time since their abysmal re-imagining at the hands of RTD OBE (Assumpta Fitzgerald, anyone?) and Rory returns from the dead, as a Roman. And River figures out that the whole set-up is a trap, based on the memories of Amelia POND. But it's mainly just about waiting for that box:
"Built to contain the most feared thing in all the universe"
Was I being dense when I didn't figure that it was built to contain The Doctor?! I thought maybe it was Davros? Or the Emperor Dalek? Or 'The Silence' that's beem mentioned throughout the series? Or maybe even TV's Chloe Webber?! Is it foolish of me not to have grasped that it was actually meant as a prison for The Doctor? Well... When the penny finally did drop, I thought it was a brilliant twist. So I was rewarded for my thickness with a loin-quiverring 'OMG!' moment.
It was also an unbelievably funny episode. The smurf bloke, the Doctor's speech about surprising the Daleks - "we'd be killed instantly, so it'd be a fairly short surprise" - and Rory's "I died and turned into a Roman; it's very distracting" all made me do a hearty chuckle.
I also enjoyed Amy's "Invasion of the hot Italians. Yeah... I did get marked down for the title" - Reminded me of my own thesis on feminism in Shakespeare, entitled Othello And His Bitches.
But for all of its humour and action and plot twists and excellence, the whole thing didn't really take flight until the resolve of THAT cliffhanger. Sure, the Doctor gets trapped in the Pandorica. How's he going to get out of that one? Yeah. Okay. Good ending to Part One.
But when it opens in Part Two and POND is there instead of the Doctor... That's when you REALLY sit up and take note. WTF x20!
Wasn't she dead? Didn't Rory shoot her in the closing minutes of Part One? Did I cry my eyes out at the sadness of that scene FOR NOTHING?! Beautiful scene tho. Tragic scene.
As the Doctor flits from the past to the present to the future, wearing a Fez and carrying a broom (WONDERFUL!) all becomes clear. Well... As clear as it's possible to be when you're talking about sci-fi from Steven Moffat's brainbox. The Pandorica healed POND, so she's no longer dead. And she was revived by her thirsty seven-year-old self leaving a DNA imprint on the side of the Pandorica, which Rory had opened in the past with the screwdriver given to him by the Doctor in the future. And Rory the Roman is a Roman because he's part of the trap laid using Amy's memories, but is also actually Rory... For the same reason. Which means he's back from the dead. But surely still plastic?! Armed with a handgun. Literally.
The TARDIS exploding at the end of Part One caused the cracks in time, including the one in Amy's bedroom back in Episode One. So mystery solved there.
But what caused the TARDIS to explode in the first place? Maybe River Song's hair products had finally caught light?! Was it due to 'The Silence' and, if so, WHO THE PISSING HELL ARE 'THE SILENCE'...?!
I hope we'll find out. I hope it's explained. MANY a-question has been raised this series. It would be a shame if they weren't all answered, or if they were dragged out for longer than six series' of LOST. (Fucking Polar Bears)
And WHY is the Dalek scared of River Song? Who/WHAT is she?!
I loved River Song in the library episodes, but if she doesn't hurry up and reveal who she is soon, I might just have to spit in her hair! Intrigue can only last for so long before it just becomes plain annoying, and people stop caring. See also: 'Who killed Tom King?' in Emmerdale. And as I just said... All six series of LOST.
But the two-parter - and the series as a whole - ties up enough loose ends for it to serve as a highly satisfying conclusion, while leaving us still wanting more.
The solution to the slight problem of, you know, the END OF EVERYTHING seemed slightly more "realistic" than any solution to an RTD OBE finale. It seemed feasible, is what I'm saying. RTD OBE - Gawd Bless Him - used to say that because it's sci-fi, you can do anything. But he would often forget to marry that with, at least, a pinch of logic. Moffat, however, seems to write stories and plots and solutions that, for all their madness and fantasy, still have one foot in the "well, that kinda makes sense" camp.
RTD OBE wrote the line: "And the TARDIS pulls the Earth back home"
At least this finale - although less bombastic than RTD OBE's series conclusions - didn't leave you thinking: "Well, that's just fucking proposterous". And don't get me started on Series Three's Master retardation.
The Pandorica healing the universe - as it healed Amy - by being fired into the exploding TARDIS, and therefore, exploding at every point in space and time, WORKED as a solution.
And if nothing else, his sacrifice - 'death' by exploding Pandorica - gave us that quiet, tender scene where the Doctor asks "the girl who waited" if it was worth it. Not as tear-worthy as the RTD OBE finales, but it still made me damp around the eye-sockets for a brief moment.
The 'resurrection' of the Doctor, courtesy of planting 'memories' in Amy's mind (and then rushing back to Episode Five wearing a jacket - See Doctor Who Watch #17) was brilliantly done, and I got goosebumps during the "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue" speech at the wedding. I wouldn't be surprised if that one phrase was the kick-off point for Moffat, and everything else - the whole SERIES - came afterwards. It just seemed like everything was leading towards THAT phrase, and I actually applauded.
Yes.
Alone. In my flat. No-one around.
I applauded.
I suggest you watch the episode again and do the same.
Total Score: TEN out of TEN
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