Doctor Who Watch #4

Episode Four/Five: The Sontaran Stratagem/The Poison Sky by Helen Raynor

Given that this script was penned by the same woman responsible for the most atrocious episodes since Love & Monsters, I didn’t have very high hopes.

Her offensive Dalek episodes from last year rank among the very few episodes of Doctor Who I can’t stand. They were abysmal, and even though a former gentleman caller of mine was in it (!) I still find myself unable to watch it again when ploughing through the Box Set. So imagine my surprise when I actually start enjoying this two-parter. More than enjoying it, LOVING it!

Okay, so Martha just seems a bit redundant now. Compared to Donna, she seems like such a waste of screen time. (Which is a shame, because I think Freema Whatshername is actually quite likeable). So then to have TWO Martha’s running around… Well, that was just a silly idea. Now two Donnas? THAT would have been worth seeing!

The opening five minutes were gripping; like a modern-day thriller. The Doctor giving a heartbreaking farewell speech to Donna, thinking it was the last time he’d see her, before she went and ruined it by saying she was merely popping home – GENIUS! The thought of Wilf dying at the end of Episode Four upset me greatly… So I was most pleased to see him survive. (Although the piss-easy way they got around it – smashing the car window with an axe – felt like a bit of a cop-out)

That irritating little gob-shite human kid assisting the Sontaran’s was rather well played, and I don't suppose I would have kicked him out of bed, either. (Him AND Ross... Mmmm...)

I particularly enjoyed his self-sacrifice at the end of the episode. Even though I saw it coming a mile off.

The Sontaran’s were nicely realised. Their war-mongering dialogue was amusing, and they made a much better ‘classic enemy’ that the Cybermen.

All in all, a really quite enjoyable two episodes.

Total Score: EIGHT out of TEN

Doctor Who Watch #3

Episode Three: Planet Of The Ood by Keith Temple

Without a shadow of a doubt, my favourite episode of the series so far. I love the Ood. I want to sit on their faces. All of them.

They are the best ‘new’ monsters since Doctor Who came back in 2005, and it was great to learn more about them. Tim McInenenenenenenrnnenenerny was brilliant as the Chief Baddie. Very three-dimensional, for a villain, showing a vulnerable side as well as a murderous, cold-hearted side. I was most pleased with myself when I guessed, within the first second of seeing him drink his hair tonic, that he would be turned into an Ood at some stage. Aren’t I clever?

Again, a thought-provoking episode that blows the likes of Partners In Crime out of the water. Commenting on the slave trade, the holocaust... Yet still being remarkably good fun. The Ood song moved me – and, it would seem, Donna – to tears. But the hints at what lies in store for the Doctor and Donna are really beginning to annoy me...“Your song must end”

No. Stop it. The Doctor and Donna should never be parted. They are the best double act ever! Best assistant, second-best Doctor... I love them. So it hurts knowing that something soon will tear them apart.

“There is something on your back”

Total Score: NINE out of TEN

Doctor Who Watch #2

Episode Two: The Fires Of Pompeii by James Moran (Or should that be James Moron. Oh, the wit!)

Yes, well... This one dragged a bit. The Sisterhood were dull and pointless, providing no real threat. I couldn’t stop picturing Phil Davies as Wilfred Brambell, which made his turn as Chief Baddie almost laughable. The Latin jokes went WAY over my head, as I don’t know any Latin. (Despite three Latin lessons at school with the lovely Miss Cornforth: “Get to the Naughty Table! Wayne, Kirsty... Stop bullying Craig”)

Donna convinced The Doctor to save Sid’s Dead Dad (the glorious Peter Capaldi) and the rest of his family. It was quite moving, and good to see her standing up to the Doctor. But if they should have died, and history was changed so they lived... Where were the Reapers? The whole point of Father’s Day (Series One) was that history had been changed by Rose saving her Dad from dying, and that was BAD. So why don’t the Reapers come to clean ‘The Wound In Time’ when the Doctor saves a whole family from the death that they were destined to have? Or am I misunderstanding the whole ‘Time-Space-Paradox-Bollox’ stuff?

Either way, I don’t get how the Doctor could have saved this family without consequence?

It was a moving episode though, and Catherine Tate was – again – fantastic as Donna. She made me shed a small tear. The last twenty minutes were gripping, thought-provoking and moving... But the slow start really stopped this from being as epic as it promised. A great episode, but not the classic it should have been.

Total Score: SEVEN out of TEN

Doctor Who Watch #1

Episode One: Partners In Crime by Russell T. Davies, who is a little bit gay.

I can’t recall looking forward to an episode quite as much as this one. After the rather awful Christmas special (Too many deaths, too little substance, too much Kylie and the spazziest baddie EVER!) I was looking forward to the start of the series proper. Especially after the seeing the trailer in the cinema, which made the excitement just too much to bear. In the event, I was a little disappointed.

It had been built it up so much, that I was expecting something amazing. As it was, all we got was another ‘First Episode’ – The one where everything has to be set up. The one where RTD makes us care about the new assistant. The one that establishes the dynamic between Doctor and assistant. A fun little episode that doesn’t even begin to compare to those that will no doubt follow.

(If you had the choice, would you rather watch Rose or The Empty Child…? That is clearly a rhetorical question. I don’t expect anyone to be sad enough to have even made it to this paragraph, let alone start answering the questions sprinkled within.)

Obviously, RTD can’t open a series – and lets not forget it IS a kids show – with a dark, sinister, frankly depressing episode like The Last Of The Time Lords. But a BIT of an edge wouldn’t have gone amiss.

The villains of the piece were so cute that it was hard to understand why the Doctor was trying to stop them. Ah, the Adipose. I want one. Someone buy me one. It can sit on my bed next to AlanYentob, looking all nice and cuddly.

Nice and cuddly… Not really want you want from a Doctor Who foe.

But there were still some things to enjoy. Lots, in fact. The first twenty minutes where the Doctor and Donna keep missing each other was a nice new take on the whole ‘Doctor meeting his assistant’ thing. And the silent conversation they have when they first clap eyes on each other did make me do an out-loud chuckle for a few seconds. Even if my lip-reading skills weren’t quite good enough to understand what the hell was going on.

Raquel from Coronation Street, doing her best impression of Jo Frost from Supernanny, was a really good baddie. Sinister and camp-as-arseholes… THAT is what you want from a Doctor Who foe! (Although if she’d searched high-and-low for somewhere that was as “Beautifully Fat” as the UK… Why the hell didn’t she try America?!)

Whoever thought to hire Bernard Cribbins to play Donna’s Granddad should be knighted for services to genius casting. If he’s not the new assistant for Series Five, I’m going to stop watching!

David Tennant did his usual bit. As good as always, but still not quite Christopher Eccleston. And as for Catherine Tate…The thing about hiring a woman like Catherine Tate is that she is not as conventionally attractive as Billie Piper or that other bint. Most TV Critics are sleazy, smug old men who judge a programme, not on its quality, but on how pretty the cast are. So suddenly the reviews for this series have been a lot less glowing… Slating the whole of Doctor Who, just because they don’t want to bash one out over Catherine Tate.

I think she’s fucking wonderful though. She’s toned down the ‘Shouty Old Harridan’ act since the last time we saw her in the 2006 Christmas Special (although I enjoyed THAT too!) and looks set to be my favourite assistant. She’s got a genuinely funny rapport with Mr Tennant, yet I’m quite sure she’s going to be a revelation when it comes to all the emotional stuff.

Her asking the Doctor “Don’t you want me?” was heartbreaking, and hopefully a small indication of what she is capable of. I can’t wait to see where these next twelve episodes take the character of Donna. Hopefully to some darker, more dramatic situations than those of Episode One. I’m looking forward to the ride…

Total Score: SEVEN out of TEN

Accelerate & Alcohol

Myself and Bex had booked into a cockroach-free hotel in Kensington (which, judging on past experiences, appears to be somewhat of a rarity) for a night of Alcohol and Accelerate.

Accelerate is REM’s new album. Alcohol is… well, you know what Alcohol is, surely?!

So, we popped to a nearby shop for supplies (Mmm… Scampi Nik-Naks! When did they make a comeback?!) and we managed to get into a small argument with Mrs Cunt Behind The Till. She tried to give us a fake ten pound note.

“It’s fine. Take it. It’s fine. You can use it in other shops. It’s fine. Get out. Get out of my shop. Don’t you dare question me. It’s fine. It’s a proper ten pound note. Get out. Get out. Thank you for calling!”

She also prices her Malibu ridiculously high. £18 for a small bottle?! In the words of Turkey Farmer Bernard Manning, it was a “fucking disgrace”. If I wasn’t so thirsty – a whole MONTH without a drop of alcohol passing my lips – there probably would have been another argument.

“It’s fine. Buy it. It’s fine. It costs that much in other shops. Honestly. Stop looking at the price tag and just pay me. Get out. Get out of my shop…”

She was a bit of a cunt.

We retired to our hotel room for a couple of drinks, a listen to some of the new songs on Accelerate and a rinse of our private parts.

We then grabbed a small – or, in my case, a HUGE – bite to eat at the local Wagamamamamama’s. I thought it was just a rumour, but asparagus really DOES make your piss – and sex piss – stink. Nasty business.

After squeezing my fat gut out of Wagamamamamamamamama’s, we headed towards the Uncle Albert Hall. As regular readers of my shit witterings will know, this is where I saw the Flaming Lips. I should have been watching Tooth & Claw – Episode Two, Series Two of Doctor Who – but instead, Foxy Bellend decided to drag us to the very highest seats and force us to watch a man in a ball singing songs that were sadly not Fight Test.

From that night on, I’ve always shuddered at the mere mention of the place. I always thought it to be a completely shite venue. And, I guess, if you’re high up with an awful view (as we were at the Flaming Lips), then it IS a pretty shite venue and you ARE going to have a crap time. But if you happen to be in a BOX…

:-p

Oh yes, a BOX. A velvety, private box, with coathangers, a table and enough room to swing a cat. If pets were allowed, obviously. We shared the box with just three other people – two old twats and a bloke who looked perfectly normal but, as he was on his own at a gig, was probably a bit of a suspect individual. It was GREAT! No having to get half the audience to stand up and move out your way every time you need to make piss. No chance of getting into a fight with someone by accidentally jumping on their toes… mentioning no names, Mr Bellend.

It was perfect!

I could have quite happily spent three hours marvelling at what a fantastic BOX it was. Which would have been a better way of spending my time than sitting through the tedious support acts:

FOALS – Ridiculous haircuts. The guitarist looked like he was having a seizure. Their songs were just noise. They weren’t particularly pretty. Made me long for the days of Idlewild and their threat of “We’re going to sing TEN songs for you now!”

DUKE SPIRIT or DUKE SPECIAL, I don’t know which – For a start, I can’t remember their name, so they can’t have been that good. And they weren’t. The banshee on lead vocals was doing her best to try and beat The Go! Team as Worst Support Act We’ve Ever Seen. She may have succeeded.

ROBYN HITCHCOCK – Pretty. A couple of nice acoustic numbers, but nothing amazing. Made for a nice toilet break, though.

And then, after stocking up on Vodka & Coke from the Delightful Foreign Gentleman at the bar, we took our seats once more for the main event… REM!

Living Well Is The Best Revenge and Man-Sized Wreath – two tracks from the new album – opened the show, with the latter being one of the highlights of the entire night. When the not-bad-for-his-age Michael Stipe warned the audience that the night was going to be “loud”, he wasn’t kidding. They did, in fact, rock!

The new tracks were good – some better than good, such as Supernatural Superserious – but obviously I was dying to hear the old favourites.

Losing My Religion, Imitation Of Life, The Great Beyond, Drive, Electrolite and the always-amazing finale of Man On The Moon made for an unforgettable evening. Could have done with less new stuff and more old songs, but it was still a fantastic night. In a fantastic venue, as it turned out. It was the BOX that did it!

Hearing them perform Leave would have made it even better, though! Eh, Bex?

Newspaper Story Of The Week

Front Page of the Daily Sport this Friday...

KILLED BY THE BOSS!

An Australian woman has admitted that she stabbed her husband following a row over a Bruce Springsteen CD.

Karen Lee Cooper pleaded guilty to manslaughter and will face eight years in prison for killing her partner of two years Kevin Watson at their home in Queensland in 2006.

Her charge was downgraded from murder after the court accepted she never intended to kill Watson. The court was told that Cooper, who had been drinking at their Cedar Grove home, attacked Watson with a kitchen knife after he told her to take a Springsteen album off the stereo.

In a recorded police interview, Cooper said: "I couldn't even play Bruce Springsteen on my stereo. Can you believe that? Can you believe that?"

"I mean, who doesn't like Bruce Springsteen? I'm 49 years old and I want to play my own music."


Well, exactly... Who doesn't like Bruce Springsteen? What a perfectly reasonable reason for killing your husband to death. Who doesn't like Bruce Springsteen? I'd have stabbed him, too. May he burn in hell...

Last.FM Charts For 2007

Once again, here be a round-up of the most-played songs from the past year, courtesy of those little chart-makers at Last.Fm. Aren't they brilliant? I mean, how else would you find out that I'd listened to McFly a total of 437 times in twelve months? You can't put a price on information like that. So, last year a surprise victory for When You Were Young by The Killers. Can they make it two-years running at the top of my charts? Drumroll please...

50 - Somebody Told Me by The Killers
49 - I Promised Myself by A*Teens
48 - Sound Of The City by Tom McRae
47 - Accidental Babies by Damien Rice
46 - Big Girl (You Are Beautiful) by Mika
45 - Grey Room by Damien Rice
44 - There Must Be An Angel by No Angels
43 - Rainy Monday by Shiny Toy Guns
42 - Who Knew by Pink
41 - Heartbeats by Jose Gonzalez
40 - Born To Run by Bruce Springsteen
39 - Life On Mars by Michelle Branch
38 - Chances Are by Vonda Shepard
37 - Something Kinda Oooh by Girls Aloud
36 - Maybe by No Angels
35 - Got A Suitcase, Got Regrets by Tom McRae
34 - In Too Deep by Genesis
33 - The Origin Of Love by Hedwig And The Angry Inch
32 - You Only Disappear by Tom McRae
31 - The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice
30 - Atlantis 2002 by No Angels
29 - Cannonball by Damien Rice
28 - Love Changes Everything by Sarah Brightman
27 - 9 Crimes by Damien Rice
26 - The Power Of Love by Celine Dion
25 - I've Been High by REM
24 - Kiss-A-Licious by Excellence
23 - Where Is Your Love by No Angels
22 - Angel Of The Morning by Thunderbugs
21 - Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright
20 - Don't Stop The Music by Play
19 - Grace Kelly by Mika
18 - Le Disko by Shiny Toy Guns
17 - Such Great Heights by Postal Service
16 - One Of Us by A*Teens
15 - You Are The One by Shiny Toy Guns
14 - Soulmate by Natasha Bedingfield
13 - Lola by McFly & Busted
12 - Be Mine! by Robyn
11 - La Cienega Just Smiled by Ryan Adams
10 - The Bleeding Heart Show by The New Pornographers
09 - Challengers by The New Pornographers
08 - The Reason by Hoobastank
07 - What Is This Feeling? by Wicked
06 - Starts With One by Shiny Toy Guns
05 - Run by Snow Patrol
04 - One Mississippi by Tom McRae
03 - Out Of This by Tom McRae
02 - Silent Boulevard by Tom McRae
01 - Oh Yeah by Tom McRae

So that'll be a no... When You Were Young didn't even make it into the Top 50 this year! That's quite a drop. Instead, Mr Tom McRae returns to his rightful position of No1, with his beautiful cover version of Oh Yeah. Looking at the chart, it was quite a year for Tom McRae. And before I start to analyse that in any great detail, I'm going to fuck off. I know this is of no interest to anyone but me. (Although feel free to check back next year to see if Tom can make it a second year at the top...)