Literally The BEST News Of My Life... EVER!

Welsh warbler and Doctor Who-botherer, Miss Katherine Jenkins (45) has hilariously admitted to suffering from a debilitating, crippling fear.

Now, I wouldn’t normally mock.

I’m scared of bees. I’m scared of wasps. I’m scared of heights. I’m scared of enclosed spaces. I’m scared of dying alone and unloved.

But despite the fact that this makes me a wimp, I reckon they’re pretty normal things to be afraid of.

BUT... Dame Jenkins of the Aria suffers from Anatidaephobia.

The fear…

No, hang on.

*DRUMROLL PLEASE*






The fear that somehow, somewhere, a duck is watching her.

What in the name of bloody hell?!

God bless, Kathy J.

Mad bitch.

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And I Was Having Such A Nice Day...

This, from Electro-Pop-Poof Patrick Wolf:

"I think 27 is an age where you really do have to take a look at your life and then re-address what you want to do with your future. It's a real sea-change moment"

Oh. Really?

Shit.

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Hugh Bonneville In Doctor Who

Doctor Who Watch #23

The Curse Of The Black Spot by Stephen Thompson

I'm so glad you're back.

Did you worry I might revert to my old way of writing, sans you?

I've been dying to find out what happened next... Don't leave me in suspence! Surely this was one of the most eagerly-awaited episodes EVER... Who shot the Doctor? Is Amy Pond pregnant? Who IS River Song? Tell me, tell me, tell me...

Erm. We didn't find out.

What, nothing?!

Nothing. There was a throwaway line at the end of Episode Two, about going off and having "more adventures" instead of giving us closure. This is one such adventure.

So you don't find out ANYTHING?! No. Not even why star of stage and screen, Dame Frances Barber, is popping up without one of her eyes?!

Nope. Although she puts in another appearance in this episode. Seemingly connected to Amy's dreams, and Amy sleeping.

Amy was sleeping? Had she read the script? Is SHE getting bored of waiting for answers too?

We ALL want to know what's going on, but how shit would the Bad Wolf arc had been if you saw Lord Billie of Piper writing Bad Wolf herself in Episode Three? There'd be no mystery; no hook; nothing. No reason to keep watching. I trust the Moffat not to keep us waiting as long as the producers of LOST.

Have you seen LOST?

No.

Oh.

This episode was up against it from the start...

Cursed, you might say.

You might, but I wouldn't lower myself to such punnery. It followed a pitch-perfect two-parter - crammed with questions and folklore-to-be - and was scheduled before the fanwank-tastic script by Neil Gaiman that has been getting geeks everywhere moist and hard since it was first announced that Moffat had invited him to share a lamb chop supper and discuss 'WHO' ideas. This episode was probably the only episode in Who History that I HAVEN'T looked forward to. I was preparing myself for a disappointment on the same scale as THE DOCTOR'S COCKING DAUGHTER.

I quite liked that one.

Piss off.

...Although I can't watch it now with the knowledge that David Tennant actually fucked his own daughter. Even if it is make-believe.

Moving on... I guess dreading it and being pleasently surprised is a much better turn of events than wetting yourself with anticipation, only to get an episode where Martha Jones wails like a jilted banshee over a fish drowning in the mud.

Well, quite.

And I really didn't hold out much hope for the writing, as the scribe behind 'The Pirate One' was the berk behind 'The Chinese One' in the first series of Sherlock. 'The Chinese One' also being known, affectionately-ish, as 'The Shit One'. The odds were really against this one. But I did a massive like over it.

Hugh Bonneville must have helped.

I love Hugh Bonneville, and making him a pirate always seemed at odds with his all-round cuddly wonderfulness. Huge Downton, as I shall call him, grew a beard, developed a love of gold that eclipsed his own paternal instincts (the same way that my father's love of anything that isn't me eclipses HIS paternal instincts) but he was essentially still Huge Downton - The Good Guy. Therefore, even when his son 'died' because of his greed, we didn't really mind. Because it was Huge Downton. Lily Cole, on the other hand, is but a plague upon this earth, and her strangely-shaped faced haunts my dreams. But even I must put my (frankly ludicruous) hatred of the modelling bint aside and conceed that she was PERFECTLY cast as The Siren. If I was going to cast Lily Cole in something, I wouldn't give her any lines, either!

You mean the Daleks aren't the baddies in this episode either?! No Daleks OR River Song...?!

Nope. This time, we had a soggy, floaty version of Nurse Charlie Fairhead from the future.

Sounds pretty terrifying, actually. I've feared him ever since he killed that nice Brenda Fricker.

It was a neat take on the whole 'medicine going mental' story that pops up every now and then (The Empty Child, various episodes of Red Dwarf...) So the 'Black Spot' was merely a tissue sample taken by Doctor Lillibet Cole, and she wasn't killing them - she sensed illness or paper cuts, and 'saved' them in her futuristical sick bay.

Sounds mental.

It actually held together a lot better than it sounds. Better than flitting from past to future worked in last year's half-good Victory Of The Daleks.

Did Matt Smith get his penis out in this episode?

Nope. Sadly. I'm actually struggling to recall anything The Doctor did in this episode, other than get pretty much every theory wrong and put everyone in peril at least nine times. This episode really belonged to Rory - hilarious under the Siren's spell, heartbreaking as he urged Amy to save his life after he was on the brink of death: "I know you'll never give up"

*SOB*

Except she bloody well DID give up, after a mere few seconds. I think she wanted Rory out of the way so she could insert Matt Smith inside herself.

It's a natural reaction, to be honest.

Yes, but Rory is great.

Because he remind you of yourself?

Quiet time, now.

So you cried?

Yes.

And did you have a favourite line?

"Yo ho ho! Shiver me timbers! Or does no-one say that anymore?!" Great opening line from the pretty Doctor.

Best Moment?

I rather liked the reveal as to what The Siren actually was. And generally enjoyed the feeling of relief upon realising that this episode hadn't been cunted up by the third-best Sherlock writer and fried egg-faced Lily Cole. Was a nice surprise.

Worst Moment?

Although I love Rory, and I loved his touching faith in POND, he died AGAIN! He's had more comebacks than East 17 - although admittedly slightly more successful and slightly less suicide-enducing. Killing him and resurrecting him just jars slightly; it makes a bit of a joke of him. And of the series. There's no element of threat if you know he's going to pop back up. It worked in this story, but it's becoming ever-so-slightly laughable.

And your much-anticipated rating?

SEVEN out of TEN

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Doctor Who Watch #22

The Impossible Astronaut/The Day Of The Moon by Steven Moffat
So, let's cut to the chase... Was it worth the wait?

Oh yes. This hotly-anticipated two-part opener was AMAZING.

Why the change of format?

The RTD OBE pattern of episodes was getting a bit tired, wasn't it? It's nice to shake things up a little bit. They’re also splitting the series into two halves.

No, not Doctor Who. I meant this review. Why the change of format?

Because writing these days seems to be a bit of a chore for me, and I wanted to do something different – while still continuing to offer my unrivalled (!) insight into Doctor Who episodes. I have OCD; I can't NOT review a new episode. Even if it does take me a while. This is a way of renewing my interest. Plus I've always been a fan of the Guardian's Pass Notes column.

So you’ve stolen the idea, basically?

Basically, yes.

Not sure I like it.

Work with me.

Okay... So, what was this story about?

Amy, Rory and Moll Flanders are invited to America to witness an astronaut shoot and kill the Doctor.

Who is Moll Flanders?

River Song. There IS a glossary at the start of this blog! And you’re missing the point – the Doctor DIES!

Dies?

Yes, dies.

Bit of a short series.

Well... He dies in 200 years’ time. Soon, the present version of the Doctor comes bounding out of a cafe toilet with a straw – possibly nicked from Anne Reid – and straight into the slap-happy hooves of Dame Moll Flanders.

She slaps him? I thought she wanted him to frig her twunt.

She does. I think. But she slapped him for dying in the future and inviting them, in the present, to witness it. Matt Smith’s – “I presume that’s for something I haven’t done yet. Good, I look forward to it” – is wonderfully played.

So then what?

The Doctor knows something’s wrong, but his companions refuse to tell him what they’ve just seen – because, you know, he wouldn’t want them to. Matt Smith’s interrogation of Moll Flanders is brilliant; why should he trust her?

Does she tell him who she is?

No.

Does she say ‘Spoilers’...?

Yes. Seventy-three times in the first episode alone.

So that’s set things up nicely for a mystery throughout the series, and leaves everyone walking on eggshells, lest they drop the ‘You’re going to die’ bomb halfway through one of their TARDIS Jenga tournaments. What about the main thrust of this story? Who are the naughty scamps putting our beloved planet in peril now? The Daleks?

No... The Silence. MUCH scarier than Daleks. A cross between Tommy Lee-Jones, a blamanche and Munch’s Scream. They wipe your memory the moment you turn away from them, meaning they’ve been walking the Earth for, like, AGES... And no-one has known. And one of them kills a nice lady called Joy in a toilet, which is very mean and is actually quite a horrific scene, given this is allegedly a kids’ programme.

You mean restroom. It is set in America, after all.

Quite. And what a magnificent setting it proves to be; such landscape. Vast opening shots at the front of both episodes just add to the size of the piece. Epic surroundings for an epic tale that poses SO many questions.

So the flight abroad was more worthwhile than the time they took a bus and a horse-shaped Slater Sister over to a desert, then?

Please don’t speak of that episode again. The only purpose it serves is to remind me I got lucky that night.

Oooh... Do tell.

Erm, no. Ask me more things about Doctor Who.

You said the episode poses questions. Like what?

Well, POND is pregnant. Possibly.

Possibly? Hasn’t she had time to piss on a stick yet?

Well, the Doctor’s done a scan and the readings are both negative and positive.

What the concrete fuck?

Exactly, like I say, it poses many questions. And there’s a photo of Amy with the baby in an abandoned children’s home. So surely this means she IS in the family way. And the baby... get this... is the girl who has been phoning the President, which kicked this whole tale off. AND she’s the one in the astronaut suit who shoots the Doctor.

WHAT? My brain hurts.

And then Amy shoots the girl, thinking that she won’t be around to kill the Doctor in the future. But... erm... She’s a crap shot.

She shoots HER OWN DAUGHTER?!

We don’t know if it IS her daughter yet. But if this two-parter has a weakness, it’s that there’s no follow-up to this shooting. Surely the Doctor – who would (probably) rather bum an Ood than acknowledge someone who carries a gun – has something to say to Amy about shooting a girl?

HER OWN DAUGHTER!

Maybe. My money’s actually on the girl turning out to be River.

Moll Flanders?

Yes. We already know her stupidly mahoosive hair is responsible for killing a man – “a good man” – so could it be her in the spacesuit?

Does that even make sense?

God only knows... Like I say, there are so many things that this two-parter sets up that don’t get resolved. Sure, the Doctor’s defeat of The Silence is a work of art – subliminal messages of a Silent saying “you should kill us on sight” played during the Moon Landings, really works as a solution to a seemingly unbeatable foe – but there are a few too many loose ends for this to work outside of the context of the whole series. It’s not quite satisfying enough.

You’re just impatient.

Yes, I am. I want to know how it’s all going to play out. I want to know how Steven Moffat can just KILL the Doctor?! What is the curly-haired brainiac playing at?! And just WHAT is TV’s very own Frances Barber doing in an eyepatch, for a mere five seconds of screen time? Surely she’ll be in it further down the line? Is she going to be this series’ Doctor with/without a jacket?! Is she guesting as a version of Gabrielle from an alternate universe?

Is she a pirate?

No, the pirates are on next week.

So you’ve got Moll Flanders, and Gabrielle... Any other guest stars of note?

Adam Klaus from Jonathan Creek pops up as President Nixon, with a nose quite clearly stolen from David Attenborough show.

Like this?

Yes. That’s the one. There should also be special mention for the creepy-as-fuck owner of the haunted kiddy pound. He was as atmospheric as the house he frequented; unnerving; slightly backwards. Slow, but seemingly on edge; fidgety; the potential to go postal. Wonderful performance. But my favourite guest star – probably so far – is Mark Sheppard as Canton Everette Delaware III.

Wow. His parents must have hated him.

Yeah... But there’s a specific moment when Matt Smith says it in the TARDIS which is camp-as-glitter, and makes me love him even more than I already do. He says it a few times, but there’s a particular one that just makes me glad he’s the Doctor.

You're weird.

Anyway... Mark Sheppard as Canton plays a blinder, both as the good guy and the good guy pretending to be the bad guy. He has such charisma, that I did find myself questioning at one point whether I fancy him or not?

And do you?

Not as much as Matt Smith.

As much as the person you watched Planet Of The Dead with?!

Piss, NO! But I hope Canton makes a return. Maybe he could pop up in Torchwood, now that’s gone all American on our ass.

Anything else to recommend the episode? You might want to start wrapping it up now – you’ve been talking at me for quite a while. I want to go and watch Don’t Scare The Hare on iPlayer.

The Nano-recorders (although a bit Silence In The Library and Flesh & Stone) were a nice device, which really hammered home the point that The Silence are everywhere and YOU JUST DON’T KNOW IT! There was, of course, the amazing moment when you think everything’s done and dusted, and there are enough questions to ponder, that the little girl – sans spacesuit – only bloody well goes and regenerates.

*SCREAMS* Oh, my GOD! Really?!

Yes, that’s pretty much how I reacted. Quite what it all means – have Amy and the Doctor done a sex, and is little space girl the product of a leaky 700-year old rubber – I cannot wait to find out.

Any favourite quote? You normally have a favourite quote.

“Don’t ever play games with me. Don’t ever, ever, think you’re capable of that” – Nice to see a dark, Eccleston-ish side coming out of Matt “Beautiful” Smith.

That’s shit. I prefer... “I’m quite the screamer. Now there’s a spoiler for you”... Did you cry? You always cry?

I might have shed a tear or two. When Rory overhears Amy declaring her love and assumes – as did I – that she’s talking to the Doctor, it did upset me. Mainly because Rory reminds me a lot of myself. Always someone’s second choice. But when POND calls him ‘Stupid Face’ and he realises she DOES love him, I did clutch my little heart and do a big ‘AWWWW’. And cried again. A bit. A little bit.

Best Moment?

For sheer shock value – and at least the Doctor’s death was 25% signposted by DWM – it’s got to be the regeneration of little girly wotsit.

Worst Moment?

The gag about Canton wanting to marry. It was obvious that he wanted to marry a man, so the payoff just wasn’t needed – and therefore wasn’t funny. Although Nixon’s reaction was priceless. Well done, Big Nose.

And your much-anticipated rating?

TEN out of TEN

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Doctor Who Watch #21

The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang by Steven Moffat

"Nothing is ever forgotten, not completely. And if something can be remembered, it can come back"

Almost a year to the date since it was first transmitted, and several viewings later in an attempt to fully grasp "WTF?!" I have finally got round to reviewing the finale of Series Five. A bit like that massive piece of coursework that you've been putting off and putting off, the final result is far from grade-winning. It's a bit of a rush-job, and only features three (what I consider to be) "jokes". The rest is just bluster and pointlessness. I promise to up my game in time for Series Six.

(NEXT WEEK, PEEPS! Much excitement!)

Anyway...

Opening with a re-appearance from various guest characters - Ginger Vince, Ever-Drooling Churchill, Comedy Cockney Queen Lizzy - you got the feeling that all the little seeds Moffat had planted throughout the series were about to flourish.

Well... Erm... Some did. Although it seems this series has raised more questions than it's answered...

River Song returned and snogged The Sexiest Prison Guard EVER (official) with her magic lipstick, before making an escape. Leaving in her place an hilarious picture of her saying 'BYE'...! I laughed a little bit too much over that one. She then threatened a giant smurf, POND found the engagement ring of her dead and forgotten fiancee, found a message on a cliff-face from River, who for reasons best known to Moffat, then appeared in Roman Britain dressed as Cleopatra. I would have preferred Cleo Laine, to be honest. She showed off Vinnie's painting of the TARDIS exploding and then - AND ONLY THEN - did the titles roll.

Phew. LOTS of ground covered there. This wasn't going to be a episode you could have one eye on, while the other eye looks over at how pretty the object of your affection is, despite having only got out of bed an hour before. See Doctor Who Watch #12. NO... This was going to be a episode you'd have to concentrate on.

And even then, chances are you wouldn't understand ALL of it.

The first part of this episode is mainly just hanging around waiting for the Pandorica to open. Sure, Amy gets attacked by the head of a Cyberman - terrifying for the first time since their abysmal re-imagining at the hands of RTD OBE (Assumpta Fitzgerald, anyone?) and Rory returns from the dead, as a Roman. And River figures out that the whole set-up is a trap, based on the memories of Amelia POND. But it's mainly just about waiting for that box:

"Built to contain the most feared thing in all the universe"

Was I being dense when I didn't figure that it was built to contain The Doctor?! I thought maybe it was Davros? Or the Emperor Dalek? Or 'The Silence' that's beem mentioned throughout the series? Or maybe even TV's Chloe Webber?! Is it foolish of me not to have grasped that it was actually meant as a prison for The Doctor? Well... When the penny finally did drop, I thought it was a brilliant twist. So I was rewarded for my thickness with a loin-quiverring 'OMG!' moment.

It was also an unbelievably funny episode. The smurf bloke, the Doctor's speech about surprising the Daleks - "we'd be killed instantly, so it'd be a fairly short surprise" - and Rory's "I died and turned into a Roman; it's very distracting" all made me do a hearty chuckle.

I also enjoyed Amy's "Invasion of the hot Italians. Yeah... I did get marked down for the title" - Reminded me of my own thesis on feminism in Shakespeare, entitled Othello And His Bitches.

But for all of its humour and action and plot twists and excellence, the whole thing didn't really take flight until the resolve of THAT cliffhanger. Sure, the Doctor gets trapped in the Pandorica. How's he going to get out of that one? Yeah. Okay. Good ending to Part One.

But when it opens in Part Two and POND is there instead of the Doctor... That's when you REALLY sit up and take note. WTF x20!

Wasn't she dead? Didn't Rory shoot her in the closing minutes of Part One? Did I cry my eyes out at the sadness of that scene FOR NOTHING?! Beautiful scene tho. Tragic scene.

As the Doctor flits from the past to the present to the future, wearing a Fez and carrying a broom (WONDERFUL!) all becomes clear. Well... As clear as it's possible to be when you're talking about sci-fi from Steven Moffat's brainbox. The Pandorica healed POND, so she's no longer dead. And she was revived by her thirsty seven-year-old self leaving a DNA imprint on the side of the Pandorica, which Rory had opened in the past with the screwdriver given to him by the Doctor in the future. And Rory the Roman is a Roman because he's part of the trap laid using Amy's memories, but is also actually Rory... For the same reason. Which means he's back from the dead. But surely still plastic?! Armed with a handgun. Literally.

The TARDIS exploding at the end of Part One caused the cracks in time, including the one in Amy's bedroom back in Episode One. So mystery solved there.

But what caused the TARDIS to explode in the first place? Maybe River Song's hair products had finally caught light?! Was it due to 'The Silence' and, if so, WHO THE PISSING HELL ARE 'THE SILENCE'...?!

I hope we'll find out. I hope it's explained. MANY a-question has been raised this series. It would be a shame if they weren't all answered, or if they were dragged out for longer than six series' of LOST. (Fucking Polar Bears)

And WHY is the Dalek scared of River Song? Who/WHAT is she?!

I loved River Song in the library episodes, but if she doesn't hurry up and reveal who she is soon, I might just have to spit in her hair! Intrigue can only last for so long before it just becomes plain annoying, and people stop caring. See also: 'Who killed Tom King?' in Emmerdale. And as I just said... All six series of LOST.

But the two-parter - and the series as a whole - ties up enough loose ends for it to serve as a highly satisfying conclusion, while leaving us still wanting more.

The solution to the slight problem of, you know, the END OF EVERYTHING seemed slightly more "realistic" than any solution to an RTD OBE finale. It seemed feasible, is what I'm saying. RTD OBE - Gawd Bless Him - used to say that because it's sci-fi, you can do anything. But he would often forget to marry that with, at least, a pinch of logic. Moffat, however, seems to write stories and plots and solutions that, for all their madness and fantasy, still have one foot in the "well, that kinda makes sense" camp.

RTD OBE wrote the line: "And the TARDIS pulls the Earth back home"

At least this finale - although less bombastic than RTD OBE's series conclusions - didn't leave you thinking: "Well, that's just fucking proposterous". And don't get me started on Series Three's Master retardation.

The Pandorica healing the universe - as it healed Amy - by being fired into the exploding TARDIS, and therefore, exploding at every point in space and time, WORKED as a solution.

And if nothing else, his sacrifice - 'death' by exploding Pandorica - gave us that quiet, tender scene where the Doctor asks "the girl who waited" if it was worth it. Not as tear-worthy as the RTD OBE finales, but it still made me damp around the eye-sockets for a brief moment.

The 'resurrection' of the Doctor, courtesy of planting 'memories' in Amy's mind (and then rushing back to Episode Five wearing a jacket - See Doctor Who Watch #17) was brilliantly done, and I got goosebumps during the "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue" speech at the wedding. I wouldn't be surprised if that one phrase was the kick-off point for Moffat, and everything else - the whole SERIES - came afterwards. It just seemed like everything was leading towards THAT phrase, and I actually applauded.

Yes.

Alone. In my flat. No-one around.

I applauded.

I suggest you watch the episode again and do the same.

Total Score: TEN out of TEN

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Is This REALLY News?!

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