Rose-Tinted, Much?!

Thoroughly enjoyed listening in on this conversation between an old man and his curmudgeonly sidekick, rueing the youth of today and the decline of Britain as a whole:

"This society's going to the dogs. Back in the day, there'd be maybe one or two murders a year. Now you read the papers, and there's murders happening every day. It's a disgrace."


-

Doctor Who Watch #13.5

The End Of Time Part One by RTD OBE

Okay, so when writing these reviews I always group the two-parters together. Which is just as well, because as a stand-alone episode, the Christmas special was bizarre and confusing. I enjoyed it, but I have a feeling it will only become watchable once I've seen how it all ends.

There is, however, one thing I can review having only seen half the story.

And that would be...

HOW FUCKING AMAZING WAS SIR BERNARD CRIBBINS?

If the second part of this story consists entirely of Wilf doing his little dance in front of a June Whitfield-laden coach, for a whole 75 minutes, I won't be in the slightest bit disappointed and it will be the best episode of anything, ever.

Wilf for his own spin-off show. The campaign starts here.

-

-

The Touch Of Your Hand Behind The Closed Door...

It's Christmas. Which means only one thing.

Actually, it means MANY things. But most importantly, it means this:

All I needed was the love you gave

All I needed for another day

And all I ever knew

Only you

If Christmas is about one thing, it's about ALF.

-

Doctor Who Watch #13

The Waters Of Mars by RTD OBE & Phil Ford

I must confess to getting a tad bored with writing these reviews. I can only sympathise with those who, therefore, end up reading them. Composing these Doctor Who blogs have turned into a bit of a chore. Mainly because watching the last couple of episodes were a bit of a chore. There just didn't seem to be any passion in them, therefore there was no passion when I came to write about them.

The Next Doctor was a bubble-faced fish away from being The Doctor's Daughter. Planet Of The Dead was an entertaining romp, but an agreeable way to spend an hour is not what I look for in an episode of Doctor Who. I look for tears and drama and excitement and heartbreak and Catherine Tate and genius baddies and something, somewhere that rings true with every day life. If I wanted a harmless hour of fun, I'd fuck another puncture into my inflatable sex doll.

Vince. His name is Vince.

No... What I look for in an hour of Doctor Who is something that will stir some emotion in me. Not just a feeling of ambivalence.

So there I was, merrily watching The Waters Of Mars, enjoying many aspects of it and mentally noting them down ready for the chore of writing this blog:

Oooh... Look, there's a fairly attractive young man operating the silly little robot. Must give him a name check.

Jesus - Is this Gadget Gadget Gadget thing for real?! Did RTD OBE learn nothing from the tragic Jar Jar Binks?!

Love the joke of Bowie Base One. (As in Life On Mars. Geddit? Aren't they funny?!)

I was thoroughly enjoying the episode, but still feeling slightly ambivalent towards it; it had stirred nothing in me, other than a quick erection when Roman TwinkyBollocks came on screen. An erection that just as quickly went away when that fucking robot felt then need to say his own name another seven times.

But then something amazing happened: The Doctor walked away.

Up until that point, it had been a typical 'Base Under Siege' story that had been done many times before (Impossible Planet, 42, Doctor's Daughter...) where the Doctor quips his way to victory and saves those who were otherwise destined to die. But this time, he turns and he walks away.

He knows that - no matter how sexy and glorious Lindsay Duncan is - he must let her, and everyone else on that base die.

The scene where he walks away from the base, listening to the chaos via the medium of spacesuit, is heartbreaking. Finally some emotion from these damned 'Specials'. The single droplet landing on Roman's cheek killed me. "Just one drop." It was beautifully done.

And once you got over the fact that her name sounds like someone phlegming up a small hedgehog, the death of Steffi Ehrlich was just as poignant. The moment the water hit her back as she watched videos of her children, and she just sobbed with inevitability... Oh, it was brilliant. Totally brilliant. Not only does Graham Harper remind me of Badger from Wind In The Willows, he also reminds me - at times like these - what a fantastic director he is.

Seriously, though. Badger. Wind In The Willows. No? Just me?

The water-gushing, hosepipe-ban-inducing 'monsters' were eerie and reminded me of the Weeping Angels in just how effective they were as the villains of the piece. Especially the line by Sexy Don Gilet's ex-wife and rake-magnet: "We should like that world." Actually quite spine-tingling. But it was never about the monsters. It was never really about saving the earth.

From the speech about Pompeii to Lindsay Duncan's begging for help, as soon as The Doctor steps into that airlock to walk away, this became more than just another episode. It was amazing in every way - The story, the script, the direction, the acting...

Better known as Robert Lindsay's dry-hump and Ruth Evershed's gun-wielding Diana-obsessed mentalist sister-in-law, Sir Lindsay Duncan was completely perfect in the role of Adelaide and joins Annette Badland and Penelope Wilton in a list of Middle-Aged Doctor Who Guest Stars That I Want To Touch In Bad Ways. (Now there's an idea for a blog!)

Couple of things jarred - The scene with the Dalek seemed completely pointless and was clearly made on the cheap. Maybe by a Blue Peter competition winner? And also... Sorry, did the Doctor just say: "I loved you for that." What? He can say it to Adelaide, but he can't say it to Rose Tyler, the ACTUAL love of his life? That's just silly.

But it's a little bit naughty of me to even give a shit about that when the rest of the episode was so powerful. And in saving pretty Ms Duncan, and changing the future, The Doctor finally loses it. For five minutes at the end of the episode, he has turned into The Master. He thinks the laws of time and space should be his. It's a genuinely shocking moment when he refers to himself as the "Time Lord Victorious" and talks of saving "some little people"... We share Ms Duncan's disgust, and we know he's gone too far.

Her suicide is the only way this story could have ended, and gives The Doctor the slap around the face he so rightly deserves. T'was sexy to see an Ood appearing at the end of the episode, although I have no idea what he was doing there, other than making my pants wet. Can't wait to see where RTD OBE is taking the Doctor next. Surely it can't be as dark as where he took him in this installment?

Total Score: NINE out of TEN

-

Things... #3

THINGS THAT MAKE ME SMILE

SPOOKS

After years of campaigning (by which, I mean, years of ranty blogs lamenting the loss of the finest character of the series) I've finally got my wish: Ruth Evershed has returned to Spooks. Just writing that sentence makes me smile. It's taken three years of desperately hoping, but finally, my wishes have been fulfilled.

Not sure I like the fact that she married someone else - she should have been sat at home, spending every day missing Peter Firth (and his massive one) - but it was so good to see her again. And Harry being responsible for Mr Evershed's death (while Ruth tragically looked on, causing me to well up slightly) means there will be a nice lot of tension between the two characters in episodes to come.

I love Harry and Ruth together. They just work. It's the furtive glances and pauses and subtleness of it all that makes it so believable. 90% of communication is unspoken - It's all in the eyes. That's what makes them so real as a 'couple'. Most programmes would feel the need to have dialogue explaining it - "Yes, there's a crisis going on and I AM trying to stop these terrorists from blowing up the whole world, but by God, I really want to jump your bones" - but for Spooks, a look in the right direction is enough.

"Something wonderful that was never said..."

Best show on TV at the moment.



THINGS THAT MAKE ME FROWN

SPOOKS
They give with one hand, they take with the other. Sexy Malcolm resigned in the first episode. While I'm thankful he didn't die at the hands of the world's softest villian - "Oh, he told a nice little story about a dog, I'll spare his life, go home, put my feet up, maybe listen to some Enya..." - I'm gutted that he's left the series. I hope he'll be back. Maybe it'll take another three years of wishing and hoping and preying. It worked for Ruth Evershed.

That said, his replacement is fit as fuck.

Just thought I'd throw that into the mix. Carry on. As you were.

-

A New Chapter

Given that the word 'Binary' in a kids' sci-fi programme has the ability to make me cry like an overly hairy baby, I'm extremely surprised I haven't yet slumped to the floor of my increasingly empty bedroom and wailed about how I'm making the biggest mistake of my life.

It will happen.

I've felt on the verge of tears for the last month. Ever since I handed over a large amount of cash to the pretty Mr Spencer. Ever since it became real. Ever since I made the decision to walk away from everything I've known for the past twenty-five years. At some point, I will cry. This is too big for me not to cry.

So, I'm moving out.

I am renting myself a 'cosy' (estate agent talk for 'kennel-sized') one-bedroom flat nearer work, so that I no longer spend half my free time on a bus; falling asleep, waking up with cramp, murmering "pastry" as I dream my dreamy dreams... The worst was waking up on the bus one morning just in time to witness a large amount of dribble falling from my mouth onto my black t-shirt. The woman opposite looked at me with such revultion.

"And for my next trick, I'm going to shat myself..."

Yeah. She wasn't amused.

But no more embarrassing myself on public transport as a result of my slightly rubbish working hours. Now I get to skip back to my flat (a mere half-mile away) and unwind amongst £210 worth of M&S bedding. Oh yes.

There is a lot to worry about. I worry that I won't be able to pay the rent because I spend all my money on porn. I worry that I'll be lonely, which is hilariously ironic, given that the principle reason behind me getting a place of my own is to combat my current state of loneliness.

(I figure I'll worry less about being single if I have the constant threat of not being able to keep a roof above my head to occupy my mind instead).

I worry that no-one will want to come and visit me. I worry that I'll have another wet dream about being wanked off by a Cat Nun and, therefore, electrocute myself to death on my electric blanket.

I worry about all sorts of things. But chiefly, I'm excited.

This is a new chapter.

I'm not getting any younger, and constantly living in the past is doing me no favours. It's time to move on. And that is terrifying, upsetting and liberating - all in equal measure.

Last weekend, 3am in the morning, walking through the streets of Plumstead with my iPod playing a whole host of happy, little ditties - mainly Run - it hit me. "This is the last time I'm ever going to do this walk. Ever."

It's ridiculous. But that walk; that journey home in the cold, crisp dark of night... I must have done that walk a million times before. Staggering home, pissed as a bastard after a night of drinking games. Walking home with the biggest smile on my face because I'd just been with someone I loved. Walking home with tears streaming down my face because I'd just had my heart a little bit broken by someone I loved. That walk gave me time to reflect, either on the happiness or the heartbreak. Time to reflect on what was to come, or what had just gone.

That walk - for over a decade - was almost always either the beginning or the end to an amazing day/night/weekend. And who the pissing bollocking hell gets sentimental over a walk?!

The same sort of man that cries over the word 'Binary', I guess.

And everything I do, I think: "This is the last time..."

The last-ever walk from Plumstead to Belvedere. Check. The last time I'll spend my weekend cooking in the kitchen while The Parents get 110% under my feet. Check. The last time I'll soak in the bath with my vanilla candles, Enya playing on the iPod and a queue forming outside the door. Check.

Tonight will be the last time my Mum sees me off to work at the front door. Aged 25, and she still waves me off. I should be embarrassed. I'm not. I think I'm going to miss that.

Tomorrow will be my last day in the bedroom that has been my sanctuary for all these years. After I'm gone, Brother Bollock moves in and re-decorates. That room has seen everything. I have so many memories of so many good times, and they all seem to have happened in that room. And usually the sofa-bed was involved! It's breaking my heart leaving all that behind.

I'm not sure what will make me cry. Saying goodbye to the Mother? Probably. Seeing my room without anything of mine left in it? Maybe. Sitting in my new lounge and hearing nothing but silence? Almost certainly.

But everything has its time. And everything ends.

And once I'm done crying, I'll wipe my tears away, dust myself off, stick something uplifiting on the iPod - probably Run (it works for most occasions, happy or sad) - and I'll get started on this new life of mine. No more crying about the past. A new chapter.

Fuck.

-

Doctor Who Watch #12

Screened back in April, I never really got round to writing a review of the 2009 Easter Special. Truth be told, I wasn't really paying attention to what was going on. I was rather transfixed by the young gent who was beside me, and we were both pre-occupied with thoughts of the party we were about to attend.

Plus, the moment I saw those ridiculus fly creatures (who made The Hath look top-quality) I pretty much zoned out and started counting down the minutes to the end of the episode, when we could head off, get pissed and sing badly at people I'd never met before.

Oh, and what a brilliant night it was...

But anyway, David Tennant's final three episodes are very nearly upon us and I know I'll be wanting to wax lyrical about them as soon as they've popped up on the telebox. Especially as I'm expecting nothing but brilliance. Tear-jerking brilliance.

(Don't disappoint me RTD OBE)

So with that in mind, I just felt I should go back and revisit this episode, paying full attention to the "plot" and not being distracted by my wandering, lustful gazes. I have OCD. There's no way I could have left an episode un-reviewed.

(I fully expect me to go back to Chris Eccleston's series and start reviewing them, such is my overbearing urge for order and completeism)



Planet Of The Dead by RTD OBE & Gareth Roberts

A second viewing served this episode rather well, actually. It was in no way as bad as I assumed it was back in April. There was much to praise in it.

1 - Psychoville's Tea-Leaf and the Nathan bloke provided adequate perving opportunities. Hell, even The Doctor's Daughter was worth watching for the gorgeous Joe Dempsie. (ONLY for Joe Dempsie, actually)

2 - Michelle Ryan (and her Horse-Face) made quite an enjoyable companion. Especially her overreaction when she realised she had bits of "dead people" in her hair. Although I still sat there with an overbearing urge to shout: "You're not my Muvva" at the screen. And the chemistry between Christina and Mr Tennant was even more unconvincing than that of her EastEnders character and Leslie Grantham when they did a sex together.

RTD OBE's obsession with the Doctor kissing his companions, no matter how irrelevant to the situation and dialogue, is becoming somewhat of an annoyance. Although I'll withdraw that comment if he gets off with Wilf in the Christmas specials.

3 - Lee "Sweaty Bollocks" Evans had some great exchanges with the Doctor ("Before I die of old age, which in my case would be an achievement, so well done on that...") and was generally amusing throughout the whole piece. But nowhere near as amusing as he and RTD OBE thought he was. The only bit that caught me off-guard was when Captain Ladysmith Black-Mambambo pulled a gun on him. Brilliant, because we love the Doctor. That's the point. But would you put the whole world in danger just because of that loyalty; that love? It would have been a great dilemma and the basis for a great moral debate, but it was quickly brushed aside by the Doctor saving the day. No time to explore the issue further, which was a shame.

The problem with this episode is no matter how many small guffaws Malcolm raises, or however pretty Tea-Leaf is, or however stunning the scenery... The best bit without a shadow of a doubt is the 'teaser' of: "He will knock four times"

Essentially, the best bit of the episode was a paragraph of dialogue hinting at events of the next episode. "Your song must end".

They should have just shown that clip as a trailer on BBC1 and saved everyone the bother of getting sand in their shoes.

A fun, enjoyable, amusing way to spend an hour. But, by Christ, nowhere near as good as I'm expecting the next three episodes to be.

Total Score: SIX out of TEN



"He will knock four times..."

-

Newspaper Promotion Of The Week

The Sunday Sport. A low-rent wank-rag whose sales are dwindelling as people turn to that new-fangled device known as the Interweb for their titty thrills. How do you halt the dwindelling readership? How do you persuade people to part with their cash in order to buy your inky-finger-inflicting fanny-lite garbage? What will get people buying the Sunday Sport again?

Yes. That's right. A big, fuck-off boast that in the upcoming issue, they have actual pictures of...

*drumroll*

Beverley Callard's Saggy Funbags.

WTF?! That's hardly going to cause a stampede in your local branch of WHSmiths, is it?!

No wonder sales are declining.

-

Newspaper Advice Of The Week

Amazing advice from a National Newspaper Agony Aunt. Don't sit down with your girlfriend and have a frank, honest, reasonable discussion. Why would you ever consider that? No, what you wanna do is... Stalk the bitch.

-

A Gentle Probe

Little Miss Teenor posted this on her Facebook a while ago... Thought I'd steal it for myself. Nice to spend my time at work filling out pointless questionnaires. Especially this week, where I've needed any and every distraction available to me. These FUCKING SPREADSHEETS are killing me. I've never seen so many numbers in my entire life. It makes me want to cry.


Do you think you are an argumentative person?
Not especially. I try to stick my head in the sand and avoid conflict at all costs. I've had relationships where not one, single argument took place. I'm proud of that. Of course, arguing was ALL that went on in my relationship with Humpy. And at work, I get quite 'animated' when fighting my corner - as Big Debbie discovers everytime she tries to impliment something that makes the shift harder to manage. So I can be argumentative, but it's not generally in my nature.

Would you rather have a rottweiler or a poodle?
Rottweiler, obviously. I'd call it AlanYentob. As per usual.

Ever driven into the ghetto to buy drugs?
I can't drive.

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
Yes - plentiful amounts. They're pretty much the only friends I've not tried to rub my penis against. Which means our friendships normally last longer than those I have with those of the same sex.

What time did you get to sleep last night?
00:50.

Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?
Some old cow who thought that she could just push in at the bus stop. Bitch.

What colour are your eyes?
Brown.

Can you drive?
We've covered that. This questionnaire is getting boring now.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Retired.

What is something you realised today?
That I am my own worst enemy.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
No. And how fucking depressing is that?!

Have you ever ridden a horse?
Yes. Several times. He was called 'Fudge'.

What are you looking forward to in the next month?
Another Portsmouth trip, a weekend in Allhallows, couple of nights in my Bayswater palace and recieving my next pay cheque.

Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
I don't think I've changed that much. I think I'm still the same person - for better or for worse. But I don't feel as happy, as contented, as in control of my own life as I did this time last year. And that's a tad annoying.

Are you wearing jeans right now?
No... I'm wearing black shorts. Is that okay?

Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't?
Quite a few people, actually. 99% of the time, it's my own fault though. Because I'm a bit of a dick.

Closest green object to you?
An apple.

Has anyone ever sang to you?
Oh yes. Furby serenaded me with one of my favourite songs once. If he'd washed, maybe I would have enjoyed it more.

What are your favourite colours?
Purple and silver.

Did you kiss anyone when it turned 2009?
Yes...

Last thing you ate?
A whole block of grilled Halloumi Cheese. Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom.

Do you sleep with a fan on?
Yes.. Especially when I'm trying to sleep during the ridiculously hot summer days.

Do you sleep on your stomach?
It's the only way I can fall asleep... But then once I nod off, I tend to flail around quite a bit so frequently wake up in some ridiculous position, looking like a preying mantis or something.

Where did you get your last bruise from?
Jumping over some rather tall hedges. Long story.

Last person you got into a fight with?
An actual fight? Humpy - about a year ago.

What is your 'type'...?
Male.

How long does it take you to shower?
About 15 minutes.

Are you very flexible?
Nope. As I used to say to Humpy - "No, stop it, I don't bend that way..."

What did you do on New Year's Eve?
I dressed up as Dangermouse, got a little bit drunk, sang like a loon to Mr Brightside and looked forward to another year of the same sort of behaviour!

Was your Mum there?
Christ, no... Although we did give her a little phone call to inform her that I was "fucked" - She liked that.

Does anyone love you?
Well... I hope so. Someone must. Law of averages, and all.

How has the week been?
Completely wank, actually. Thanks for asking.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
I'm generally quite happy forcing my trials and tribulations on anyone and everyone I know - whatever gender they are. Sometimes they don't have to be human.

Where is your Mum right now?
Playing tennis.

What are you supposed to be doing right now?
FUCKING SPREADSHEETS!

Are you slowly drifting away from someone?
I get that impression, but I really hope I'm wrong. I really do.

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
Warm if I've got a day off where I can go to the beach and enjoy it, cold if I have to work.

Have you ever kissed in the rain?
Yes... And it's almost as romantic as kissing in the snow. Me likes that.

Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms?
Yes, but generally the routine is a nice hug, then turn in opposite directions and fall asleep that way. I find it very hard to fall alseep in someone's arms - but it's always nice when it actually happens. It's even better to wake up and find I've dribbled all over them!

Does anyone hate you?
It feels like that sometimes...

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Yes, I do. Very much so.

Can you raise one eyebrow?
All the time! I look like a demented Roger Moore at work!

How do you feel when someone you like kisses you?
Erect, normally.

Do you walk around naked?
When I'm in a hotel room, or an empty house... Not because I'm a naturist, but because it saves on the washing and ironing!

What is the last song you listened to?
The Ascent Of Man by REM

Have you been to any concerts? If so, which ones?
Bon Jovi x3, Bruce Springsteen x6, Tom McRae x11, Paul Weller, Rod Stewart, Appleton, Mike & The Mechanics, Jonas Brothers, Keane, The Killers, Snow Patrol, Jason Mraz, Dawn Kinnard, Kate Aumonier, Party In The Park x3, Damien Rice, The Flaming Lips, Rufus Wainwright x2, Matchbox Twenty, Frankmusik. Off the top of my head.

-

Things... #2

THINGS THAT MAKE ME WANT TO RUB MY THIGHS

(LIKE VIC REEVES, BUT OBVIOUSLY IN A LESS-SMUG MANNER...)


SEXY, PRETTY EMAILS
Getting a completely unexpected, out-of-the-blue email from a hero of mine; an icon; someone I am not ashamed to say I love completely; someone I consider to be a genius... Getting an email from this God-like young gentleman that starts with the words: "You total legend" - HE thinks I'M a "total legend" - Oh, I can't tell you the joy that filled me with.


FRANKMUSIK
I am totally in love with Frankmusik. And not just because I want his ball-sack at my beck and call. His debut album - Complete Me - makes me wet with happiness. Especially the title track, which I consider to be a masterpiece. I've owned it for just two weeks, and somehow it's already my 4th most-played song OF ALL TIME according to the statistic-fairies at Last.Fm. Best album of the year so far.

Stand-out tracks: Complete Me (as I may have just mentioned), Three Little Words, Your Boy and In Step. And the line "Even Wonder Woman gets her nails done" makes me smile every time.

Also... (Obsessed much? Me?) FrankMusik's cover versions of It's A Sin and Such Great Heights. B-Sides to Confusion Girl, and well worth spending a penny on. So to speak.


THE ALPHABET OF HURRICANES
The announcement that Mr Tom McRae would be releasing a new album in SEPTEMBER. And he's out making himself a new video. Wow... Don't think we've had one of those since Karaoke Soul. Tissues at the ready.


THE MOFF, GENERALLY BEING A GOD
News that Moll Flanders And Her Big Hair would be returning to Steven Moffat's Doctor Who in the new year. Her "You watch us run" speech in Forest Of The Dead reduced me to a pathetic, sobbing wretch and I sincerly hope her next appearance has a similar effect.


BIG DICKIE
The new boss at work has taken to calling me by a whole host of wonderful names. Behold the following: Big Wayne, Wayney, Dude, Man, Monkey, Gorgeous, Handsome, Superstar and - my personal favourite - Precious. The man's a genius.



THINGS THAT MAKE ME WANT TO STAMP ON A KITTEN

MICHAEL MCINTRYRE
...And his penchant for shouting constantly through the eponymous (and debatable) "comedy" roadshow. Am I the only one that thinks this squinty-eyed goon is complete fanny?


RED TAPE AT WORK
Being put on a 'First Written Warning' at work for daring to call in sick after solidly vomiting for an entire night.


A DISTINCT LACK OF DUTCH
Not seeing Lord Beppe at all while staying in Spain. She LOVES the gays, you know. And every time she talks, she needs to piss.


AND THIS CUNT:

-

This Is The Last Time

Last Cigarette?

Was 1:10am on Monday 10th August (LOL - How's that for precise!)

Last Alcoholic Drink?

A jug of Champagne Sangria in Spain

Last Car Ride?

Around Portsmouth at Silly O'Clock at night, taking in Port Solent, Gunwharf Quays, Southsea, a random 'mountain' and the newest car park in the whole of Pompey!

Last Kiss?

Was 5:45am on Monday 10th August (LOL!)

Last Good Cry?

Last week, when I foolishly watched the season finale of Doctor Who. Poor Catherine Tate. "Binary... Binary... Binary..."

Last Book Bought?

I purchased Alan Carr's autobiography at the airport on my way to Spain.

Last Book Read?
Well, I'm halfway through Alan Carr's book. But before that, the last book I read fully was The Writer's Tale by RTD OBE and his pretty friend from Doctor Who Magazine.

Last Film Seen In Cinema?
Jesus, I haven't seen a film in the cinema since He's Just Not That Into You. So not only did that film put me off ever being with anyone ever again, it also put me off going to the cinema. Genius!

Last Film Rented?
The Boat That Rocked - Film's a bit wank, but Bill Nighy is fantastic (as always) and I want to do very bad and sticky things with Tom Sturridge, so all in all, it was worth the monthly fee from LoveFilm.com!

Last Swear Word Used?
"Shit"

Last Food Consumed?
Big, dirty, greasy kebab. T'was beautiful.

Last Crush?
In real life, my lips are sealed. But in the celebrity world, where do I start?! Frankmusik, probably. But tomorrow's another day...

Last Phone Call?
Was a conference call between Big Dickie, Big Debbie and myself regarding some work I've been doing for a new client. It was a largely positive call, until I was told to pretty much redo everything I had given them. A fun weekend of paperwork and spreadsheets in store for me, then!

Last TV Show Watched?
Just finished watching Series One of Damages. Can't believe my favourite character shot himself. Series Two is currently in my Amazon basket...

Last Time Showered?
This morning.

Last CD Played?
It's been ages since I actually played a CD. It's all about the iPod, baby. But I took Tom McRae's King Of Cards downstairs to listen to while I was wrapping up presents on the dining room table. So that's the answer. King Of Cards by Tom McRae.

Last Item Bought?
I appear to have just bought all seven series of The West Wing. And all because someone said I might quite like it a little bit. I really should have rented the first disc just to try it out. But no... I do stupid things like this when I've just been paid!

Last Download?
Amy McDonald (who?!) and her quite amazing cover of Mr Brightside.

Last Annoyance?
Those cunting little kids on the plane to Spain playing the fun game of 'Let's Kick The Seat In Front Of Us Until The Person Sitting In It Feels Quite, Quite Sick'

Last Disappointment?
Realising that things with a recent gentleman caller are probably not going anywhere, other than down the pan. That was a bit of a disappointment.

Last Thing Written?
Other than all the words above? Erm... The last thing I wrote was an email to several people at work, explaining why - as always - I am right and they are wrong.

Last Words Spoken?
"Shit"

PS: Your Boy

Sorry I'm trying to change my past,

Can you give me just one more minute?

Postcard From An Empty Beach

Wish you were here...

New Doctor Who Costume Revealed...

Newspaper Headline Of The Week

From The London Lite, This Thursday...

WINEHOUSE 'UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL'

No Shit, Sherlock! What other insightful stories can we expect from your not-as-good-as-TheLondonPaper publication? Bear Caught Shitting In The Woods? Pope Confesses To Being A Catholic? Phil Collins Gets Divorced?!

Jesus wept.

-

Bollock's Hero: Chris Packham

Tit-watching, wildlife-botherer Chris Packham has long been a hero of mine. His work with Fungus The Bogeyman is among some of the finest to have ever graced the silver screen.

Growing up, it always seemed that Packham was playing third-fiddle to teenage prick-tease Michaela Strachan and the ferret-severed hand of 'brave' Terry Nutkins (he was attacked by an otter, you know? Not that he likes to bang on about it). But Packham was always my favourite; one of my childhood crushes, and the cause of several joyous wet patches through my early years.

While Nutkins stays at home applying TCP to his nintey-year-old flesh wound, and Miss Strachan has fled to Australia to escape the shame of being lauded by tedious one-line-chorus-repeaters Scouting For Girls, Packham's career has gone from strength to strength.

After a brief spell playing Max Beasley in Hotel Babylon, he has replaced Bill Oddie (codename: Cantankerous Furby) as Kate Bumhole's co-presenter on the BBC's flagship birdwatching show, Springwatch.

As if to hammer home his absolute genius, Lord Packham has found a novel way to spend his spare presenting time. In between eyeing up feathered fowl, he has been slipping in The Smiths' song titles into his broadcasts.

The Smiths. Birdwatching. Why has no-one put the two together before? The man is a visionary.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FT9hGAlt89o

Jordan & Peter - Shock Split

Katie Price and former-Bollock Place masturbation favourite Peter Andre have announced they are to divorce. Asked for his reaction to the news, Ashes To Ashes star Philip Glenister said: "I think you could be mistaking me for someone who gives a shit."

And so say all of us.

Object Of Desire - #9,283

So... Samsung Man In Black... If you're out there, please come and sit on my face.

Newspaper Paragraph Of The Week

The Guardian, reporting the opening of Topshop in Manhattan:

First inside the store was Krystle Ortizdevillate, a fiercely Anglophile student from New York celebrating her 19th birthday. "I love Topshop. I love everything from the UK," she said, listing Doctor Who, Razorlight and actor Patricia Routledge from Keeping Up Appearances, among her influences.

Dear Diary...

On the one hand, it’s a good thing. It means I’ve actually stuck to a New Year’s Resolution. First time EVER, I think. On the other hand, it has got in the way of waxing lyrical here in this Blog Thing, which is my ninth-favourite way to spend an afternoon.

One of my Resolutions was to keep a diary. And I have. Every day in January has been carefully recorded in a pretty little Notepad document on my increasingly-decrepit computer. When I could have been writing one of my “Award-Winning” little Blog Things, I was prattling on about the most ridiculously tedious details in a Notepad document that is never going to be seen or read by anyone. I hope. So now I’m behind with these Blogs.

Hardly crime of the century... But I do enjoy writing these entries. I’ve been doing so since 2005, and don’t want to stop now. Even if the diary writing is doing its best to get in the way. So I’m making an effort to get back on track, Blog-wise. But because I can’t be arsed to trawl my memories looking for anecdotes about the month that has just passed, I’ll post extracts from the diary. It should sum things up nicely, without actually having to put any effort into writing new-ness.

So... This was January:

“Woke up at 4pm”... “all I want is”... “liver and bacon”... “and to take vegetables out of Matt’s rice”... “which got me thinking”... “I haven’t got the money to pay for”... “the LOVELY Colin Morgan from Merlin”... “ejaculating on a small child”... “but everyone told me rather loudly”... “that it was time to piss off to London”... “and the next thing I know, Matt’s waking me up because it’s 1pm”... “to say she’s like the perfect pissing manager”... “with a lightbulb head”... “so we turned up for dinner”... “where I was given Strawberry Strepsils”... “and found myself increasingly drawn to”... “three children and several ex-husbands”... “and just wanted to cuddle up to”... “Perry as the main office was busy”... “wanting to tear off your clothes and lick every inch of your body and make love to you all night”... “so he got an informal warning”... “for expecting a major crime scene outside”... “the blatantly straight”... “stir-fry”... “in Brighton”... “where I’d previously gone for a walk along the beach and”... “it hurts so much”... “to watch Life On Mars and eat kebab”... “so feeling rough as arseholes”... “I spent all night texting”... “Antonio Banderas”.

An interesting month, I’m sure you’ll agree.

All real-life extracts (one per day) from my lovely diary. Any longer extracts would probably have been too revealing. Full of thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes, blah, blah... bleugh. And I should really learn to be less honest in these things. I’ll save that sort of schmaltz for the diary...

But there we go. I’m now up to date with this thing. And February is here – Keane, The Killers, Brighton Panto-ness, Bayswater, Roadhouse, Portsmouth and my God-Damned Twenty*ahem* Birthday all to come... Plenty of Blog-Writing material, I’m sure. So TTFN...

Last.FM Charts For 2008

It's that time of year again. A round-up of the most-played songs of the past year at Chez Bollock. Always controversial, always completely meaningless to anyone but myself... Will Tom McRae's perfect cover of Oh Yeah reign supreme for a second year running? The suspense, I suspect, is killing you. So here we go.

Proudly brought to you in association with Last.FM.


50 – Bleeding Love by Jesse McCartney
49 – All The Strange, Strange Creatures by Murray Gold
48 – Disappear by No Angels
47 – End Of The World News (Dose Me Up) by Tom McRae
46 – The Power Of Love by Celine Dion
45 – Show Me Heaven by Maria McKee
44 – In Too Deep by Genesis
43 – Stars And Satellites by Minnie Driver
42 – How To Be Good by Minnie Driver
41 – Runaway Train by Busted
40 – Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
39 – You Only Disappear by Tom McRae
38 – When You Were Young by The Killers
37 – Be Mine by Robyn
36 – Frozen Oceans by Shiny Toy Guns
35 – The Ballad Of Amelia Earhart by Tom McRae
34 – The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice
33 – Back Off by No Angels
32 – That's Not My Name by The Ting Tings
31 – Grey Room by Damien Rice
30 – Alone by Celine Dion
29 – Rainy Day Lament by Joe Purdy
28 – I Say A Prayer For You by Girls Aloud
27 – Sound Of The City by Tom McRae
26 – Soulmate by Natasha Bedingfield
25 – Eyes by Rogue Wave
24 – I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
23 – One More Night Alone by Friday Hill
22 – Born To Run by McFly
21 – Paper Planes by M.I.A
20 – Stop And Stare by OneRepublic
19 – Where Is Your Love by No Angels
18 – Challengers by The New Pornographers
17 – Atlantis 2002 by No Angels
16 – My Vampire Heart by Tom McRae
15 – Love Changes Everything by Sarah Brightman
14 – Starts With One by Shiny Toy Guns
13 – 9 Crimes by Damien Rice
12 – Run by Leona Lewis
11 – Perfect Symmetry by Keane
10 – Do You Know? (The Ping Pong Song) by Enrique Iglesias
09 – So What by Pink
08 – The Reason by Hoobastank
07 – Oh Yeah by Tom McRae
06 – The Bleeding Heart Show by The New Pornographers
05 – Cheer Up (You Miserable Fuck) by David Ford
04 – Run by Snow Patrol
03 – The Heart Never Lies by McFly
02 – The Glass Parade by Cary Brothers
01 – Silent Boulevard by Tom McRae

So that'll be a no... Oh Yeah falls to No7 this year, and Tom's best original offering, Silent Boulevard, returns to the Top Spot for the first time since 2005. It's MY song, how could it not? See you same time next year? Can Thomas make it a ANOTHER year on top? Place your bets. And pretend to look interested.

2008 Questionnaire

And now it's time for a worringly honest look at the last twelve months in the obligatory, annual end-of-year questionnaire...

What Did You Do In 2008 That You’d Never Done Before?
Went to Prague. Went to Blackpool (aka Vile Shithole). Went to Alton Towers. Broke into a castle. Committed an act of naughtiness in a children’s playground. Passed a First Aid Course. Dressed up as Dangermouse.

Did You Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions, And Will You Make More For 2009?
I did make a New Year’s Resolution... And I didn’t stick to it. Mainly because I’m a coward. Maybe this year, eh? Elsewhere in 2009, I’ve promised myself that I will be less of a tosser and make more of an effort with my friends, rather than just ignoring everyone as and when I’ve had a slightly bad day. Need to stop wallowing in my own self-pity as much as I currently do! I’m also going to start keeping a diary. Although I fully accept most entries will be: "Stayed in bed with a takeaway and DVD."

What Countries Did You Visit?
Spain. Prague. Alton Towers, which is its own little country of magic and wonder, right?!

Did Anyone Close To You Give Birth?
Janette – Not that I’ve been introduced to Laila yet. I hope that will happen sometime in 2009. I trust she will accompany us on our next drunken night out?

Did Anyone Close To You Die?
Nope. An old family friend passed away, which upset me slightly (surprisingly) but no one close. And touch wood that will be the same for 2009.

What Would You Like To Have In 2009 That You Lacked In 2008?
An engagement ring?! Erm... Can’t really think of anything that I lacked in 2008... Especially during the last few months of the year.

What Date From 2008 Will Remain Etched Upon Your Memory, And Why?
Oh God... How can I possibly narrow it down to just one day after all the GENIUS things that occurred during 2008?! Bayswater, Brighton Panto-ness with Bexifer, Rob and Colin, all the many concerts (especially Tom with Dan Glag at Borderline), New Year's Eve, the many Roadhouse sessions... Too many great times! I guess the four days in Spain with Matt were pretty damn special. As a certain Dutch fruitloop would say: “As Long As You Enjoy Yourself”. And yes, Lord Beppe, I did enjoy myself.

What Was Your Biggest Achievement Of 2008?
Returning to the nightshift with more money, less days and NO weekend work! Apart from the odd issue here and there, I am happier than I have ever been working there. I actually feel management are beginning to understand just how hard we work, which has never really happened before. All in all, a good year work-wise. Next step: World Domination!

What Was Your Biggest Failure?
Letting friendships suffer just because I was having a bad day/week/month. I really need to learn to deal with things better. Rather than cutting myself off from people and social situations, I need to put on a brave face and get on with things, rather than avoiding people until I’m feeling “better”. Something to work on in 2009, methinks.

Did You Suffer Illness Or Injury?
Well, I spent the start of 2008 ‘clinically depressed’ which was hilarious. Probably had something to do with feeling totally out of my depth at the job in London. I soon cheered up when I returned to Bromley and all the wonders of media monitoring!

Where Did Most Of Your Money Go?
Probably on the grabbing machines in Brighton, trying to win an Alan GreenToad! Either that, or on a certain Christmas present. “You Bought Me An Idea!”

What Was The Best Thing You Bought?
Aside from the aforementioned Christmas present... Tickets to Spain with Lady Matt. And Tom McRae tickets. And the hotel in Brighton with the balcony, the rather pretty Jacuzzi and the Family Fortunes game!

What Was The Best Thing You Received?
Present Number Nine from Matt. I nearly did a bit of a cry!

What Did You Get Really, Really Excited About?
The events of Friday 11th July.

What Songs Will Always Remind You Of 2008?
Pink – So What
McFly – The Heart Never Lies
Enrique Iglesias – Do You Know? (The Ping Pong Song)
Jason Mraz – I’m Yours
The Ting Tings – That’s Not My Name
No Angels – Disappear
Cary Brothers – The Glass Parade
Leona Lewis – Run

Compared To This Time Last Year, Are You:

I – Happier Or Sadder? - Happier
II – Thinner Or Fatter? - Fatter
III – Richer Or Poorer? - Richer

What Do You Wish You’d Done More Of In 2008?
Being brave.

What Do You Wish You’d Done Less Of In 2008?
Being miserable.

Did You Fall In Love In 2008?
Technically, taking the question at face value, the answer is: No, I didn’t fall in love in 2008. I could go into more detail, but I think I said all I needed to on that matter one drunken night outside a branch of TGI’s...

What Was Your Favourite TV Programme?
This may come as a surprise to people, but it was actually... Doctor Who! Some of the finest episodes EVER (Turn Left, Unicorn And The Wasp, Journey’s End, Silence In The Library) and the best companion EVER. I never thought a series finale could make me cry as much as the one in which Lord Eccleston departed. But watching Donna’s last episode was the most heartbreaking thing that happened to me all year. The tears just didn’t stop. And why should they? She was amazing. Fantastic. "The Best Of Times" - Oh, Donna Noble. You made Doctor Who Series Four my most favourite thing to have ever been shown on the tele-box. (Just don’t mention The Doctor’s Cunting Daughter...)

What Was The Best Book You Read?
The Writer’s Tale by RTD OBE and his pretty friend from Doctor Who Magazine. Not only was it a highly interesting behind-the-scenes look at my favourite television show (Who WAS Mrs X?) but it was also great from a Writer’s point-of-view. Lest we forget, that is occasionally what I claim to be. A writer. It’s good to know that a lot of the thought processes (and the procrastination) RTD OBE goes through is shared by myself when I attempt to put pen to paper. Reading that book made me want to write again. Who knows, maybe 2009 will be the year Paradise gets finished.

What Was Your Greatest Musical Discovery Of 2008?
The Glass Parade by Cary Brothers was the best thing I stumbled upon this year. A more perfect, heartbreaking love song would be hard to find.

What Concerts Did You Go To In 2008?
Spice Girls – Although, admittedly, I was only there to deliver tickets! Jason Mraz, Dawn Kinnard, REM at the Albert Hall, Tom McRae (twice), Matchbox Twenty, the LOVELY Minnie Driver, Bruce Springsteen (twice) and... erm... The Jonas Brothers. Who were actually really good!

What Was Your Favourite Film Of The Year?
I really enjoyed The Strangers – “Because You Were Home”. That was creepy as fuck.

What Did You Want And Get?
My old job back! And cuddles – lots of lovely cuddles.

What Did You Want And Not Get?
I did really want a place of my own in 2008, but didn’t really have the money for it. Despite intending to get a place as early into 2009 as possible, I have changed my mind slightly. The plan for this year is to spend my money on having fun, going on random holidays and weekends away, getting drunk, living life and popping to Florida for a couple of weeks! Yes, at my age, I should really have moved out by now. But think of all the fun I can have with the money I save by staying at home...!

Do You Hate Anyone Now That You Didn’t Hate This Time Last Year?
Oh yes. But it would be impolite of me to reveal a name. Or name(s).

What Did You Do On Your Birthday, And How Old Were You?
I was Twenty-Ish. I have a feeling I spent it getting drunk in the Admiral Duncan. Which probably means I got dragged kicking and screaming to G-A-Y Late...?

What One Thing Would Have Made Your Year Immeasurably More Satisfying?
So, that engagement ring...?

How Would You Describe Your Personal Fashion Concept In 2008?
Not very flattering. Or expensive. If only I could wear that Dangermouse costume all year round...

Which Celebrity/Public Figure Did You Fancy The Most?
Probably the lovely Colin Morgan. And Annette Badland, naturally.

What Political Issue Stirred You The Most?
I was rather amused by my biggest client pretty much crippling the whole of the British Economy. That made me do a chuckle...

Who Did You Miss?
Ruth Evershed from Spooks!

Who Was The Best New Person You Met?
I can’t narrow it down to just ONE person! I guess my answer would be: All the people that Matt has kindly introduced me to this year! The drunken games nights, the takeaways, the SoHomo trips, the Wii games, the horror films, New Year’s Eve... This time last year, I hadn’t met any of these people. Now I’m getting pissed with them on a semi-regular basis. Life is so much better for it, and my penis a little bit more erect.

Tell Us A Valuable Life Lesson You Learned In 2008:
Never settle for second best. Some things are worth waiting for.

Quote A Song Lyric That Sums Up Your Year:
"I’ll Sing It One Last Time For You..."