Lonsdale Boys Club. The
lead singer.
Why is he not my wife?
-
Friday, 17 August 2012
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
Search Me...
So, it seems the kind
Internet peoples have re-jigged the behind-the-scenes aspect of this
‘ere blog. I can now tell how many ‘unique visitors’ I have had to each
of my entries. I’m quite surprised by the high figures.
I
merely write these half-illiterate scribbles to pass the time at work.
Or to draw attention to a random flaw in a Doctor Who episode. Or to
drop subtle hints about my feelings, without actually saying: ‘Look,
fcuking marry me already!’
I
don’t actually write for ‘an audience’. I’d learn to use punctuation
properly and swear a lot less if I actually took ‘an audience’ into
consideration when bashing my clammy fingers against the keyboard at
3am. But now I know there IS an audience out there, it’s hard not to be
influenced by that.
I
mean... I knew people read it. When drinking cocktails with friends I
haven’t seen for months, they’ll often quote something from the blog.
And I’ve had emails from people who seem to be tickled by my musings.
I’ve even dated ‘a fan’. But I didn’t know my word-doodles had as much
reach as they appear to. For example, 1230 people read my last Q&A blog thing.
Not
quite up there with the Huffington Post, I admit. But who, outside the
people I know, could possibly be interested in my two-penneth?!
I
have the link to this blog on my Facebook page – tho you’d have to
search their ridiculous new timeline thing all the way back to 2009 to
find it. I have it on my Last.Fm page. But that’s it. I don’t ‘plug’
the blog. I don’t promote it. So other than people with a vested
interest or curiosity about my happiness – friends, family, gentleman
callers wondering what nickname they’ll be assigned – I fail to see who
this blog attracts.
But then, of course, there’s Google.
And
people typing in certain words or phrases may well find themselves
directed here – and drawn into my collection of paragraphed nonsense.
People searching for Tom McRae, for example, may end up here. Or those who type into Google:
‘Doctor Who+Doctor’s Daughter’.
Or... 'Bums+Willies+Touching+Hot Bloke Off Being Human'
And
now I know a fair few hundred people pass through my myriad thoughts on
a regular occasion, it is somewhat intoxicating. What if I
could get the number of ‘hits’ up to two thousand per entry?
(Yeah,
what if? Literally, what if? Life’s too short to give a flying French
Fancy about ‘hits’ and ‘fans’ and the like – but go with me on this)
What
if I could attract more people to this corner of my world? And, rather
obviously, by ‘attract more people’ I mean, ‘charm someone with my
carefully crafted prose so much so that they wish to be my husband’
(Or, at the very least, stick their finger up me for a few minutes?)
As
I attempt to attract a beau through the medium of this blog, I need to
ensure more people find their way here. Courtesy of Google. So... Here’s a random list of search terms that may draw a soulmate, moth-to-a-flame-like, to my web of sexy:
Sex
Pretty, Pretty Colin Morgan
John Leslie
Dora Bryan
Leslie Grantham
Web-Chat (With Pics)
Onions
Patsy Palmer's
Arse Hair
Anne Widdecombe
Shoving A Lampshade Inside Her
Coke-Snorting
Attention-Seeking Whore-Bag Abi Titmuss
Bruce
Springsteen
Jim Bowen
John Prescott
Shirtless
Chuckle Brothers
Sex Video
Underwear Fetish
The Theory Of
Relativity
Munting
Robert
Kilroy-Silk's Nipples
Princess Diana
Car Crash Photographs
The Lovely
Samuel Preston
The Even Lovelier Frankmusik
The Even Lovelier Frankmusik
Doctor Who
Paris Hilton's
Musty Flaps
Trinny &
Susannah Bring Each Other To Climax
Animal Sex
10 Best Ways To
Blow A Camel
Clive Swift
Edwina Currie
Bending Over
-
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
Saturday, 4 February 2012
Newspaper Quote Of The Week
The winner of this week’s ‘Most Amazing Sentence Printed In The British Press EVER!’ award goes to this little nugget, from The Guardian:
“In Enniskillen, Northern Ireland, a man named Paul Moran was jailed for three months last October for accidentally setting fire to his block of flats while trying to turn his faeces into gold”
-
Monday, 23 January 2012
Q&A
Slight panic while reading this article in The Guardian at work last night:
When asked what the worst thing anyone’s ever said to him, Sexy Sherlock answered:
A blog that said: ‘The talentless wooden acting of arse-named, horse-faced twot Benedict Cumberbatch’
Had to double-check that it wasn’t me that wrote those things! Although I’d never be so cruel about the delightful Baker Street Detective (and his nips), it DID read like one of my insults. (Probably like the one I doled out to Michelle Ryan when she appeared in Doctor Who!)
Anyway, with my attention drawn to the Q&A section of The Guardian, I thought I might as well join Mr Cumberbatch in answering the questions myself. Anything to pass the time in between reading articles about pissing War Horse and the Chelsea Flower Show at THREE IN THE MORNING.
When Were You Happiest?
2004. T’was a good year.
What Is Your Greatest Fear?
Being raped by a giant wasp in an enclosed space. And loneliness – I fear that I may never find someone to share my life with. (Who am I going to find that accepts my very real worry of being raped by a giant wasp in an enclosed space, and still chooses to be with me?!)
What Is Your Earliest Memory?
Hiding in the Wendy House at Nursery School, under some tables and a blanket, amongst the cobwebs and cracked window panes. Mrs Rushbrook and Mrs Laurie spent ages looking for me. I can’t remember why I did it – just that it happened, and that Mother Bollock wasn’t too impressed.
Which Living Person Do You Admire Most, And Why?
My mum. I don’t know how she copes with 30+ children and endless office politics every day – then sets about doing all the shopping, cleaning, Granny-visiting, cooking, washing, ironing, gardening... And gets minimal thanks from me, as I’m constantly in a strop about something or other. I admire the love she has for me. I would have told me to fuck off years ago, but somehow she puts up with it all.
What Is The Trait You Most Deplore In Yourself?
Being completely unreliable and letting people down, just because I’m feeling a bit ‘off colour’. As if I’m the only one in the world who has ‘down days’... I should – in the words of dribbly wartime PM, Dame Winnie Churchill – just keep buggering on.
What Is The Trait You Most Deplore In Others?
Smugness.
What Was Your Most Embarrassing Moment?
You expect me to narrow it down to one, single, solitary moment?! Okay... Picking one at random from a multitude of them... Performing in a play (an A* performance, I might add) with the Headmaster and my Grandmother both in the front row, having to utter the words: ‘Eating out your delicious, sweet, cunt’. That was a tad on the cringeworthy side, it must be said.
What Makes You Unhappy?
Going back to work on a Monday night – knowing I have seven shifts of utter tedium awaiting me.
What Do You Most Dislike About Your Appearance?
My scar. Granted, it’s a better option than DYING, so I’m glad the surgeons managed to stitch me up! But it’s still not very aesthetically pleasing.
What Is Your Guiltiest Pleasure?
Masturbation.
What Is Your Most Unappealing Habit?
I do enjoy burping at the dinner table and blaming it on my Grandma. That’s fun – but probably not very debonair.
What Would Be Your Fancy Dress Costume Of Choice?
I went to a NYE party dressed as Dangermouse a few years ago. It was a pain in the arse keeping the mask on – my, what a sweaty face I had – and slipping out of the all-in-one suit for wee-wee time wasn’t easy. But it was quite an impressive outfit, and I won a bottle of wine for Best Costume of the Night. Mmmm... Free wine!
What Is The Worst Thing Anyone’s Ever Said To You?
“I don’t love you anymore.”
What Was The Best Kiss Of Your Life?
In a hotel room, the scent of Jean-Paul lingering in the air... I was 20-years-old, it lasted about an hour and it will stay with me forever. That hotel. That smell. Those lips.
Which Words Or Phrases Do You Most Overuse?
‘Fantastic’ – blame Chrissy Eccleston for that one. And an ironic ‘Nice’ or ‘Lovely’ instead of actually taking the trouble to come up with a witty retort:
RANDOM – He said he didn’t fancy me and then shat in my handbag.
ME – Nice.
What Has Been Your Biggest Disappointment?
Paris. It’s a shithole.
If You Could Edit Your Past, What Would You Change?
I could drive myself insane trying to answer this question. There are so many things I wish I could undo. But there’s no guarantee that changing my past would lead to a better life now. Maybe I’d just make things worse?
Editing the past is not an option. I’ve learnt from the fucked-up, dickhead mistakes and won’t make any more in the future. All I can ask is to be judged on the person I am today, not the person I was back then. The past is the past. It’s behind me.
What Is The Closest You’ve Come To Death?
I was born about eight months too early! I was the size of a peanut, and my internal organs were liberally scattered in all the wrong places. Mainly externally. Not a good start to the whole ‘living’ business.
What Single Thing Would Improve The Quality Of Your Life?
MUCH more confidence in myself, and in social situations. I think I was a hermit in a past life.
What Do You Consider Your Greatest Achievement?
Working my way up the hierarchy at Eggplant to (finally) become Night Shift Manager at the tender age of 26. I made all the changes I’d spent seven years hoping I’d get to make, and improved EVERYTHING about the shift, its quality and its productivity. I was MADE for that role. (A role that lasted eight months, before I was cunted off to a rival company and ‘demoted’ back down to Team Leader)
What Keeps You Awake At Night?
Work.
What Song Would You Like Played At Your Funeral?
Hmmm... Something nice and emotional, like Run by Snow Patrol. And something odd and quirky, like Toy Soldiers by Martika, or The Floral Dance by Terry Wogan! Maybe even a dollop of Enya?
How Would You Like To Be Remembered?
Fondly, I guess.
Tell Us A Secret...
I’m a wizard.
-
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Last.FM Charts For 2011
“Music makes the people come together” sang leotarded pensioner and part-time baby smuggler Madonna. Indeed it does. So people... Come together... And enjoy the annual round-up of my favourite music from the year just gone. With the wondrous help of TV’s Last.Fm, here are the FIFTY songs wot I played the most during 2011. WARNING: Contains One Direction.
50 - Telephone by Lady Gaga
49 - Jar Of Hearts by Christina Perri
48 - American Spirit by Tom McRae
47 - The Club Is Alive by JLS
46 - Written In The Stars by Tinie Tempah
45 - Welcome Home by Radical Face
44 - On Your Shore by Enya
43 - The Silence by Alexandra Burke
42 - Sweet Disposition by The Temper Trap
41 - Vacant Heart by Frankmusik
40 - Take A Chance On Me by JLS
39 - Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton
38 - Summit Day by Mike Oldfield
37 - Please by Tom McRae
36 - Higher by The Saturdays & Flo Rida
35 - Used To by Daughtry
34 - The Lazy Song by Bruno Mars
33 - When We Collide by Matt Cardle
32 - Complete Me by Frankmusik
31 - Vale Decem by Murray Gold
30 - Can't Make This Over by Pixie Lott
29 - Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me by The Smiths
28 - Shake It Out by Florence & The Machine
27 - Reflections by Matt Cardle
26 - Love Story by Taylor Swift
25 - The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face by Matt Cardle
24 - No ID by Frankmusik
23 - Love The Way You Lie (Part II) by Eminem & Rihanna
22 - Jar Of Hearts by Craig Colton
21 - Love You More by JLS
20 - When You Look Me In The Eyes by Jonas Brothers
19 - Grenade by Bruno Mars
18 - Set Fire To The Rain by Adele
17 - If It's Love by Train
16 - The Heart Never Lies by McFly
15 - Tonight by Alex Band
14 - Magdalena by Brandon Flowers
13 - Afterglow by Genesis
12 - Hey, Soul Sister by Train
11 - Someone Like You by Adele
10 - At My Most Beautiful by REM
09 - The Reason by Hoobastank
08 - What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction
07 - The Harold Song by Ke$ha
06 - Oh Yeah by Tom McRae
05 - Marry You by Bruno Mars
04 - Run by Snow Patrol
03 - Silent Boulevard by Tom McRae
02 - Still Love You by Tom McRae
01 - Need You Now by Lady Antebellum
So... A random song heard while embarking on a 3am jog back in April somehow becomes my most-played CHOON of the year. And if there is any doubt as to WHY I should get myself so excited over Need You Now by Lady Antebellum, here’s a clue:
It’s called Need You Now.
DUH!
Elsewhere, the harmless Still Love You from LORD GOD McRae’s fifth album never really stood out for me – until he added DRUMS and sent it out as a present in one of his emails. Oh, it’s nice on the album, with the banjo and the mellowness. But with DRUMS...?! Piss me, it’s epic.
Giant Duplo Boy – Craig Colton of X Factor “fame” – enters the Top 50 with his blinding and powerful Jar Of Hearts. JLS and Bruno Mars take up a HUGE amount of the chart, and Enya elbows her way in to serve as somewhat of a contrast. On Your Shore, by the ethereal water-based Celt, made it so high in the chart because it WAS supposed to be the closing song of soon-to-be-classic sit-com Paradise. We’ve since changed it to Evening Falls. Wonder if that will feature in 2012’s chart as a result...?
See you next year to find out.
#GRIPPING
-
Sunday, 1 January 2012
2011 Questionnaire
I had planned to stop with these blogs. But I'm sitting in my Box Room, surrounded by my newly acquired presents, stuffed from eating too much chocolate pudding, literally unable to decide which DVD Box Set to watch first... So here I am.
I feel like I'm doing something CONSTRUCTIVE if I write stuff on here, however tedious it might be to read.
*DRUMROLL PLEASE*
IT'S... My annual critique of the year just gone. The highs, the lows, and everything in between.
Apologies in advance for the dismal-ness of it all. 2011 hasn't been all that splendid, TBH.
What Did You Do In 2011 That You'd Never Done Before?
Erm... Got made redundant. Actually enjoyed a trip to Blackpool. Actually enjoyed a trip to Nottingham. Watched a gig at Hammersmith with Kirbymoreside WITHOUT epilepsy getting in the way! Went to Wales. Had a barbecue on a beach. Stole from Tesco. Actually kept my Photo Diary, three years after setting it as a New Year's Resolution. AND SENT 'PARADISE' TO THE BBC!!! Finally!
Did You Keep Your New Year's Resolutions, And Will You Make More For Next Year?
My New Year's Resolution was not to be alone for Christmas this year which, of course, I didn't manage to stick to. I had a nice time, and a good ol' drunken laugh with the family. And waking up on 'Christmas Morning' (which was actually Christmas Eve) to some sexiful presents from my favourite person of all-time made it a most magical wintery happenstance. But despite all that, I was still very much alone at Christmas.
But what the hell... Let's carry it over to 2012. My New Year's Resolution for 2012 is not to be alone for Christmas. And to actually spend Christmas in a place of my own, where people call by for food and presents and alcohol, as if I were Monica Geller. A Christmas where I get to play hostess. And a Christmas where I get to wake up with the man of my dreams, open zillions of presents and drink bucket-loads of Mabiloo. Not too much to ask, is it?!
Did Anyone Close To You Give Birth?
Nope.
Did Anyone Close To You Die?
Nope, thank the Lord Baby Jeebus. (Unless Ruth Evershed counts?)
What Countries Did You Visit?
Wales and Espanol.
What Would You Like To Have In 2012 That You Lacked In 2011?
More time to spend with my favourite people. Moaning about the lack of spare time I have is like Elton John moaning that he doesn't have enough TACKY SHIT IN HIS MANSION. But somehow this year has flown by, and there are people I love who I've barely seen. So more time, better spent. That's what I want.
What Date From 2011 Will Remain Etched Upon Your Memory, And Why?
10th September 2011, because it was completely perfect. And very drunken.
What Was Your Biggest Achievement Of 2011?
Not letting the bastards grind me down! It's been a shit year, all told, but somehow I haven't let it drive me too far down the road of self-pity and down-right depression. I've still managed to have some great weekends away, random days trips and drunken nights of prettiness, despite all the work-related troubles, and that in itself is quite an achievement - given how badly it's affected me.
What Was Your Biggest Failure?
Being unable to run the Brighton Marathon, despite employing a personal trainer - (NOT) Derrick Evans - and travelling all the way to Birmingham to train (and drink champagne) with my fellow runner, Lord & Lady Bexifer. I was gutted. Okay, a mahoosive part of me was relieved, as I don't know how on God's green earth I would have actually managed it. But I WAS gutted. Yet ANOTHER goal not met. Chalk it up.
Did You Suffer Illness Or Injury?
Unable to put any weight on my ankle, I ended up in hospital where they had piss-all idea what was wrong with me. It happened again a month or so later, but with my knee instead. Same deal. This time, all manner of blood tests and X-Rays (including one of my chest!) were taken. Doctor Tittyfuck thinks it's GOUT. Old, port-drinky, red-nosed fatty pensioner disease. GOUT. Luckily it's not resurfaced since May-ish time. I've obviously been eating less stilton and fois gras...?!
What Was The Best Thing You Bought?
Where Did Most Of Your Money Go?
Probably on random trips - Blackpool, Allhallows, Alcudia, Wales, Nottingham, Brighton, Chalfont & Latimer...
What Did You Get Really, Really Excited About?
Finishing PARADISE after so many years of re-writes and re-plotting and changing it beyond recognition twenty-twelves times over. It's done. It's a finished THING and it's ready to take its first tentative steps out there, in the real world. Scary as fuck, but exciting all the same.
What Songs Will Always Remind You Of 2011?
Lady Antebellum - Need You Now
Bruno Mars - Marry You
Bruno Mars - Grenade
Ke$ha - The Harold Song
Adele - Set Fire To The Rain
Christina Perri - Jar Of Hearts
Compared To This Time Last Year, Are You:
I - Happier or Sadder? - Sadder
II - Thinner or Fatter? - Fatter
III - Richer or Poorer? - Poorer
(Quite a shitty turnaround since my last questionnaire...)
What Do You Wish You'd Done More Of?
Saving my pennies. I moved out of the Bromley Mansion into my Box Room (of 'depressing' fame) in order to save money to help with getting on the property ladder or affording a lavish wedding (LOL). Instead, I seem to have blown it all on Malibu and random weekends away. Nada regrets, though. Blackpool, Allhallows et al were SUCH FUN!
What Do You Wish You'd Done Less Of?
Eating! I've put on quite a bit of weight, and it's very expensive buying an entirely new wardrobe to compensate for this!
Did You Fall In Love In 2011?
Constantly. Every time we were in the same room together. Over and over and over again: "Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow" - JM Barrie. (Yeah, the Peter Pan dude)
How Many One Night Stands?
None.
What Was Your Favourite TV Programme?
This year seemed to be a golden year for TV. Luther may have lost some of its lustre by writing out the superb Psycho Ginge (she wot looked like a duck) but a new MENTAL came along to take her crown as Most Barmy Murdery Person On TV... Stephen Rea's GATEHOUSE from The Shadow Line was a sublime turn, and the show in general was one of the best things about 2011.
Doctor Who whacked the 'crazy' up to 11 this year, but it sort of worked. I loved the extra cliffhangers and just how intricate it all was. It certainly benefits from repeated Box Set viewing.
Exile, Black Mirror, The Fades, Misfits, a much-improved Skins... 2011 was quite a sexiful TV year. But my favourite TV programme of the year has to be the final series of SPOOKS.
Six episodes of twisty-turny, heart-stopping, heart-BREAKING wonderfulness that bought a close to one of the finest shows Auntie Beeb has ever produced. I cried solidly for the last ten minutes. No matter what people may say about the distinct lack of a happy ending, no one can deny that it was the PERFECT ending for a show such as Spooks - where loss has always been its main theme. I was genuinely bereft by the closing scenes. Loved it.
Do You Hate Anyone Now That You Didn't Hate This Time Last Year?
It's not in my Christian nature to hate people...!
What Was The Best Book You Read?
How To Be A Woman by Caitlin Moran - Wearer of mahoosive hair, my favourite TV reviewer since Richard Arnold (JOKE, natch!) and scribe of the only thing to bring joy into my Friday Shift at work: Celebrity Watch in Times2. Utterly hilarious, rather thought-provoking and liberally sprinkled with the 'C' word, it's an honest and fun look at her life, and at female-types in general. Also includes a moving section about how she realised she was in love with her soon-to-be-husband which made me weep inside and out. What's not to like? Do a purchase of it.
What Was Your Greatest Musical Discovery?
Bruno Mars was my great obsession this year. Not only is he an extremely pretty young gentleman, but his album is somewhat amazing and his live shows are a wholly uplifting experience. Hearing GRENADE live - twice - was surprisingly thrilling. It was the extra drums. All songs can be improved ten-fold with extra drums.
What Concerts Did You Go To In 2011?
Bruno Mars - twice. As the above answer may have hinted at. Tom McRae IN A CHURCH, inches from my face and my wandering hands. He played Hungry Like The Wolf. Bizarre.
Sadly, that was it this year. Not even a Jonas Brothers gig to tide me over. I hope 2012 yields slightly better results.
What Was Your Favourite Film Of This Year?
The Inbetweeners Movie. 'Culture' be thy middle name.
What Did You Want And Get This Year?
Some really nice, random, manic, fun, GENIUS trips away.
What Did You Want And Not Get This Year?
A marriage proposal. And a dog for Christmas - AGAIN!
What Did You Do On Your Birthday, And How Old Were You?
I was older than I care to mention, and I spent the night before playing drinking games and embarrassing myself in front of (what seemed to be) 95% of the population of Wales. Then came a family meal, which was a delighful feast of lasagne. And then came '2011: The Birthday Year Of The Envelope' - which was amazingly prettiful.
What One Thing Would Have Made Your Year Immeasurably More Satisfying?
If I had NOT been forced out of the first job I have truly loved and - more to the point - been generally BRILLIANT at! You don't know what you've got until it's gone, eh?
How Would You Describe Your Personal Fashion Concept In 2011?
Whatever I could steal from a certain Plumstead-based wardrobe and successfully squeeze my man-boobs into.
What Kept You Sane?
A lovely little combination of Malibu and Prozac kept the breakdown at bay!
Which Celebrity/Public Figure Did You Fancy The Most?
TV's King of the Jungle... Dougie Poynter.
What Political Issue Stirred You The Most?
The 'Phone Hacking' scandal was of HUGE interest, given the industry I work in. Plus, I used to work at News International, and once - get this! - HELD THE DOOR OPEN FOR REBEKAH BROOKS (nee Wade).
It's an interesting issue because do the ends justify the means? If they hadn't hacked a dead girl's phone, but the telephonic device of a master criminal instead, would that have been okay? Or is it just WRONG, end of? It's not black-and-white, and it leaves the ENTIRE British media facing unprescedented change in the coming years. But for better or for worse? Will The Guardian live to regret its dogged pursuit of NotW? Very interesting. And a little worrying.
Who Did You Miss?
I didn't see Lady Bex as much as I would have liked this year. Only once, and even then our drunken night of Mrs Brown's Boys and MUCH ALCOHOL was cut short so that actual cunts could make me redundant.
Who Was The Best New Person You Met?
Every single one of my 50-odd new colleagues at Tower Hill. #OrNot.
Tell Us A Valuable Life Lesson You Learned In 2011:
Men plan, God laughs.
Quote A Song Lyric That Sums Up Your Year:
"It's a Quarter After One, I'm a little drunk and I need you now..."
-
I feel like I'm doing something CONSTRUCTIVE if I write stuff on here, however tedious it might be to read.
*DRUMROLL PLEASE*
IT'S... My annual critique of the year just gone. The highs, the lows, and everything in between.
Apologies in advance for the dismal-ness of it all. 2011 hasn't been all that splendid, TBH.
What Did You Do In 2011 That You'd Never Done Before?
Erm... Got made redundant. Actually enjoyed a trip to Blackpool. Actually enjoyed a trip to Nottingham. Watched a gig at Hammersmith with Kirbymoreside WITHOUT epilepsy getting in the way! Went to Wales. Had a barbecue on a beach. Stole from Tesco. Actually kept my Photo Diary, three years after setting it as a New Year's Resolution. AND SENT 'PARADISE' TO THE BBC!!! Finally!
Did You Keep Your New Year's Resolutions, And Will You Make More For Next Year?
My New Year's Resolution was not to be alone for Christmas this year which, of course, I didn't manage to stick to. I had a nice time, and a good ol' drunken laugh with the family. And waking up on 'Christmas Morning' (which was actually Christmas Eve) to some sexiful presents from my favourite person of all-time made it a most magical wintery happenstance. But despite all that, I was still very much alone at Christmas.
But what the hell... Let's carry it over to 2012. My New Year's Resolution for 2012 is not to be alone for Christmas. And to actually spend Christmas in a place of my own, where people call by for food and presents and alcohol, as if I were Monica Geller. A Christmas where I get to play hostess. And a Christmas where I get to wake up with the man of my dreams, open zillions of presents and drink bucket-loads of Mabiloo. Not too much to ask, is it?!
Did Anyone Close To You Give Birth?
Nope.
Did Anyone Close To You Die?
Nope, thank the Lord Baby Jeebus. (Unless Ruth Evershed counts?)
What Countries Did You Visit?
Wales and Espanol.
What Would You Like To Have In 2012 That You Lacked In 2011?
More time to spend with my favourite people. Moaning about the lack of spare time I have is like Elton John moaning that he doesn't have enough TACKY SHIT IN HIS MANSION. But somehow this year has flown by, and there are people I love who I've barely seen. So more time, better spent. That's what I want.
What Date From 2011 Will Remain Etched Upon Your Memory, And Why?
10th September 2011, because it was completely perfect. And very drunken.
What Was Your Biggest Achievement Of 2011?
Not letting the bastards grind me down! It's been a shit year, all told, but somehow I haven't let it drive me too far down the road of self-pity and down-right depression. I've still managed to have some great weekends away, random days trips and drunken nights of prettiness, despite all the work-related troubles, and that in itself is quite an achievement - given how badly it's affected me.
What Was Your Biggest Failure?
Being unable to run the Brighton Marathon, despite employing a personal trainer - (NOT) Derrick Evans - and travelling all the way to Birmingham to train (and drink champagne) with my fellow runner, Lord & Lady Bexifer. I was gutted. Okay, a mahoosive part of me was relieved, as I don't know how on God's green earth I would have actually managed it. But I WAS gutted. Yet ANOTHER goal not met. Chalk it up.
Did You Suffer Illness Or Injury?
Unable to put any weight on my ankle, I ended up in hospital where they had piss-all idea what was wrong with me. It happened again a month or so later, but with my knee instead. Same deal. This time, all manner of blood tests and X-Rays (including one of my chest!) were taken. Doctor Tittyfuck thinks it's GOUT. Old, port-drinky, red-nosed fatty pensioner disease. GOUT. Luckily it's not resurfaced since May-ish time. I've obviously been eating less stilton and fois gras...?!
What Was The Best Thing You Bought?
Where Did Most Of Your Money Go?
Probably on random trips - Blackpool, Allhallows, Alcudia, Wales, Nottingham, Brighton, Chalfont & Latimer...
What Did You Get Really, Really Excited About?
Finishing PARADISE after so many years of re-writes and re-plotting and changing it beyond recognition twenty-twelves times over. It's done. It's a finished THING and it's ready to take its first tentative steps out there, in the real world. Scary as fuck, but exciting all the same.
What Songs Will Always Remind You Of 2011?
Lady Antebellum - Need You Now
Bruno Mars - Marry You
Bruno Mars - Grenade
Ke$ha - The Harold Song
Adele - Set Fire To The Rain
Christina Perri - Jar Of Hearts
Compared To This Time Last Year, Are You:
I - Happier or Sadder? - Sadder
II - Thinner or Fatter? - Fatter
III - Richer or Poorer? - Poorer
(Quite a shitty turnaround since my last questionnaire...)
What Do You Wish You'd Done More Of?
Saving my pennies. I moved out of the Bromley Mansion into my Box Room (of 'depressing' fame) in order to save money to help with getting on the property ladder or affording a lavish wedding (LOL). Instead, I seem to have blown it all on Malibu and random weekends away. Nada regrets, though. Blackpool, Allhallows et al were SUCH FUN!
What Do You Wish You'd Done Less Of?
Eating! I've put on quite a bit of weight, and it's very expensive buying an entirely new wardrobe to compensate for this!
Did You Fall In Love In 2011?
Constantly. Every time we were in the same room together. Over and over and over again: "Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow" - JM Barrie. (Yeah, the Peter Pan dude)
How Many One Night Stands?
None.
What Was Your Favourite TV Programme?
This year seemed to be a golden year for TV. Luther may have lost some of its lustre by writing out the superb Psycho Ginge (she wot looked like a duck) but a new MENTAL came along to take her crown as Most Barmy Murdery Person On TV... Stephen Rea's GATEHOUSE from The Shadow Line was a sublime turn, and the show in general was one of the best things about 2011.
Doctor Who whacked the 'crazy' up to 11 this year, but it sort of worked. I loved the extra cliffhangers and just how intricate it all was. It certainly benefits from repeated Box Set viewing.
Exile, Black Mirror, The Fades, Misfits, a much-improved Skins... 2011 was quite a sexiful TV year. But my favourite TV programme of the year has to be the final series of SPOOKS.
Six episodes of twisty-turny, heart-stopping, heart-BREAKING wonderfulness that bought a close to one of the finest shows Auntie Beeb has ever produced. I cried solidly for the last ten minutes. No matter what people may say about the distinct lack of a happy ending, no one can deny that it was the PERFECT ending for a show such as Spooks - where loss has always been its main theme. I was genuinely bereft by the closing scenes. Loved it.
Do You Hate Anyone Now That You Didn't Hate This Time Last Year?
It's not in my Christian nature to hate people...!
What Was The Best Book You Read?
How To Be A Woman by Caitlin Moran - Wearer of mahoosive hair, my favourite TV reviewer since Richard Arnold (JOKE, natch!) and scribe of the only thing to bring joy into my Friday Shift at work: Celebrity Watch in Times2. Utterly hilarious, rather thought-provoking and liberally sprinkled with the 'C' word, it's an honest and fun look at her life, and at female-types in general. Also includes a moving section about how she realised she was in love with her soon-to-be-husband which made me weep inside and out. What's not to like? Do a purchase of it.
What Was Your Greatest Musical Discovery?
Bruno Mars was my great obsession this year. Not only is he an extremely pretty young gentleman, but his album is somewhat amazing and his live shows are a wholly uplifting experience. Hearing GRENADE live - twice - was surprisingly thrilling. It was the extra drums. All songs can be improved ten-fold with extra drums.
What Concerts Did You Go To In 2011?
Bruno Mars - twice. As the above answer may have hinted at. Tom McRae IN A CHURCH, inches from my face and my wandering hands. He played Hungry Like The Wolf. Bizarre.
Sadly, that was it this year. Not even a Jonas Brothers gig to tide me over. I hope 2012 yields slightly better results.
What Was Your Favourite Film Of This Year?
The Inbetweeners Movie. 'Culture' be thy middle name.
What Did You Want And Get This Year?
Some really nice, random, manic, fun, GENIUS trips away.
What Did You Want And Not Get This Year?
A marriage proposal. And a dog for Christmas - AGAIN!
What Did You Do On Your Birthday, And How Old Were You?
I was older than I care to mention, and I spent the night before playing drinking games and embarrassing myself in front of (what seemed to be) 95% of the population of Wales. Then came a family meal, which was a delighful feast of lasagne. And then came '2011: The Birthday Year Of The Envelope' - which was amazingly prettiful.
What One Thing Would Have Made Your Year Immeasurably More Satisfying?
If I had NOT been forced out of the first job I have truly loved and - more to the point - been generally BRILLIANT at! You don't know what you've got until it's gone, eh?
How Would You Describe Your Personal Fashion Concept In 2011?
Whatever I could steal from a certain Plumstead-based wardrobe and successfully squeeze my man-boobs into.
What Kept You Sane?
A lovely little combination of Malibu and Prozac kept the breakdown at bay!
Which Celebrity/Public Figure Did You Fancy The Most?
TV's King of the Jungle... Dougie Poynter.
What Political Issue Stirred You The Most?
The 'Phone Hacking' scandal was of HUGE interest, given the industry I work in. Plus, I used to work at News International, and once - get this! - HELD THE DOOR OPEN FOR REBEKAH BROOKS (nee Wade).
It's an interesting issue because do the ends justify the means? If they hadn't hacked a dead girl's phone, but the telephonic device of a master criminal instead, would that have been okay? Or is it just WRONG, end of? It's not black-and-white, and it leaves the ENTIRE British media facing unprescedented change in the coming years. But for better or for worse? Will The Guardian live to regret its dogged pursuit of NotW? Very interesting. And a little worrying.
Who Did You Miss?
I didn't see Lady Bex as much as I would have liked this year. Only once, and even then our drunken night of Mrs Brown's Boys and MUCH ALCOHOL was cut short so that actual cunts could make me redundant.
Who Was The Best New Person You Met?
Every single one of my 50-odd new colleagues at Tower Hill. #OrNot.
Tell Us A Valuable Life Lesson You Learned In 2011:
Men plan, God laughs.
Quote A Song Lyric That Sums Up Your Year:
"It's a Quarter After One, I'm a little drunk and I need you now..."
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