When asked what the worst thing anyone’s ever said to him, Sexy Sherlock answered:
A blog that said: ‘The talentless wooden acting of arse-named, horse-faced twot Benedict Cumberbatch’
Had to double-check that it wasn’t me that wrote those things! Although I’d never be so cruel about the delightful Baker Street Detective (and his nips), it DID read like one of my insults. (Probably like the one I doled out to Michelle Ryan when she appeared in Doctor Who!)
Anyway, with my attention drawn to the Q&A section of The Guardian, I thought I might as well join Mr Cumberbatch in answering the questions myself. Anything to pass the time in between reading articles about pissing War Horse and the Chelsea Flower Show at THREE IN THE MORNING.
When Were You Happiest?
2004. T’was a good year.
What Is Your Greatest Fear?
Being raped by a giant wasp in an enclosed space. And loneliness – I fear that I may never find someone to share my life with. (Who am I going to find that accepts my very real worry of being raped by a giant wasp in an enclosed space, and still chooses to be with me?!)
What Is Your Earliest Memory?
Hiding in the Wendy House at Nursery School, under some tables and a blanket, amongst the cobwebs and cracked window panes. Mrs Rushbrook and Mrs Laurie spent ages looking for me. I can’t remember why I did it – just that it happened, and that Mother Bollock wasn’t too impressed.
Which Living Person Do You Admire Most, And Why?
My mum. I don’t know how she copes with 30+ children and endless office politics every day – then sets about doing all the shopping, cleaning, Granny-visiting, cooking, washing, ironing, gardening... And gets minimal thanks from me, as I’m constantly in a strop about something or other. I admire the love she has for me. I would have told me to fuck off years ago, but somehow she puts up with it all.
What Is The Trait You Most Deplore In Yourself?
Being completely unreliable and letting people down, just because I’m feeling a bit ‘off colour’. As if I’m the only one in the world who has ‘down days’... I should – in the words of dribbly wartime PM, Dame Winnie Churchill – just keep buggering on.
What Is The Trait You Most Deplore In Others?
Smugness.
What Was Your Most Embarrassing Moment?
You expect me to narrow it down to one, single, solitary moment?! Okay... Picking one at random from a multitude of them... Performing in a play (an A* performance, I might add) with the Headmaster and my Grandmother both in the front row, having to utter the words: ‘Eating out your delicious, sweet, cunt’. That was a tad on the cringeworthy side, it must be said.
What Makes You Unhappy?
Going back to work on a Monday night – knowing I have seven shifts of utter tedium awaiting me.
What Do You Most Dislike About Your Appearance?
My scar. Granted, it’s a better option than DYING, so I’m glad the surgeons managed to stitch me up! But it’s still not very aesthetically pleasing.
What Is Your Guiltiest Pleasure?
Masturbation.
What Is Your Most Unappealing Habit?
I do enjoy burping at the dinner table and blaming it on my Grandma. That’s fun – but probably not very debonair.
What Would Be Your Fancy Dress Costume Of Choice?
I went to a NYE party dressed as Dangermouse a few years ago. It was a pain in the arse keeping the mask on – my, what a sweaty face I had – and slipping out of the all-in-one suit for wee-wee time wasn’t easy. But it was quite an impressive outfit, and I won a bottle of wine for Best Costume of the Night. Mmmm... Free wine!
What Is The Worst Thing Anyone’s Ever Said To You?
“I don’t love you anymore.”
What Was The Best Kiss Of Your Life?
In a hotel room, the scent of Jean-Paul lingering in the air... I was 20-years-old, it lasted about an hour and it will stay with me forever. That hotel. That smell. Those lips.
Which Words Or Phrases Do You Most Overuse?
‘Fantastic’ – blame Chrissy Eccleston for that one. And an ironic ‘Nice’ or ‘Lovely’ instead of actually taking the trouble to come up with a witty retort:
RANDOM – He said he didn’t fancy me and then shat in my handbag.
ME – Nice.
What Has Been Your Biggest Disappointment?
Paris. It’s a shithole.
If You Could Edit Your Past, What Would You Change?
I could drive myself insane trying to answer this question. There are so many things I wish I could undo. But there’s no guarantee that changing my past would lead to a better life now. Maybe I’d just make things worse?
Editing the past is not an option. I’ve learnt from the fucked-up, dickhead mistakes and won’t make any more in the future. All I can ask is to be judged on the person I am today, not the person I was back then. The past is the past. It’s behind me.
What Is The Closest You’ve Come To Death?
I was born about eight months too early! I was the size of a peanut, and my internal organs were liberally scattered in all the wrong places. Mainly externally. Not a good start to the whole ‘living’ business.
What Single Thing Would Improve The Quality Of Your Life?
MUCH more confidence in myself, and in social situations. I think I was a hermit in a past life.
What Do You Consider Your Greatest Achievement?
Working my way up the hierarchy at Eggplant to (finally) become Night Shift Manager at the tender age of 26. I made all the changes I’d spent seven years hoping I’d get to make, and improved EVERYTHING about the shift, its quality and its productivity. I was MADE for that role. (A role that lasted eight months, before I was cunted off to a rival company and ‘demoted’ back down to Team Leader)
What Keeps You Awake At Night?
Work.
What Song Would You Like Played At Your Funeral?
Hmmm... Something nice and emotional, like Run by Snow Patrol. And something odd and quirky, like Toy Soldiers by Martika, or The Floral Dance by Terry Wogan! Maybe even a dollop of Enya?
How Would You Like To Be Remembered?
Fondly, I guess.
Tell Us A Secret...
I’m a wizard.
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