Fan-Wank Dabi-Dozi

It sounds like the sort of ‘fan fiction filth’ you can find dotted around the internet. Places like Nifty. Apparently.

You know the thing...

Harry Potter and Ron Weasley do a naked cuddle
Merlin & Prince Arthur, in the Caves of Drucilla, polishing their armour
Rod, Jane & Freddy lube up Bungle’s bugle

Except THIS, you genuinely couldn’t make it up.

As if lifted from the pages of a really specialist Nifty tale, details have come to light concerning TV “favourites” The Krankies and their rather exuberant approach to love making.

Married for 43 YEARS, Ian Krankie (78) and his son/lover Wee Jimmy Krankie (103) have confessed to having various affairs during their 70’s and 80’s fame, and sharing an ‘anywhere, anytime’ attitude to sexy happenings – including rumpy-pumpy in a boat (which accidentally swept across to France while mid-jizz) and on a Jersey golf course. Save the ‘hole-in-one’ jokes.

“Jersey was good”, said Wee Jimmy – part-woman, part-ventriloquist dummy, part-raisin.

I read the full transcript of their ‘Kiss N’ Tell’ – Kiss N’ Told by The Krankies themselves, bafflingly, as if they had a pantomime to promote – in a silent, depression-strewn office at three in the morning. No-one speaks. No-one makes eye contact. It’s like a morgue.

And suddenly, this deathly dull habitat was interrupted by, what I can only describe as: ‘Hysterical, high-pitched, body-trembling, watery-eyed, red-faced, gaffaw-ment’ lasting about seven excruciating minutes. It was like trying not to laugh at a funeral. The more I looked around at the cold, dead-eyed mutes populating the lifeless work environment, the harder and louder I laughed. I was crying. Tears of absolute joy and laugher.

Why?

Why the enthusiasm?

Because if it wasn’t enough that this AMAZING scoop had appeared on my screen at work, causing endless disbelief at the images of Wee Jimmy Krankie’s dad/lover “running around housing estates naked” – the scoop itself contained the most blissful sentence ever uttered.

Quite honestly the finest sentence of all-time.

Ian Krankie figured out that Wee Jimmy’s schoolboy vagina was being diddled by a big-cat tamer and “complained that his wife smelt of leopards”.

The affair was rumbled because Wee Jimmy Krankie SMELT OF LEOPARDS.

Actually amazing.

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Romantic Of The Week

Moving tributes to... *ahem* a shopping centre (WTF?!) were printed in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle this week. Track down a copy if you wish to read an ‘HILARIOUS’ account of the time some Geordie twonk got Shane Warne and Shane Ward confused. Oh, becalm my aching sides.

My favourite quote of the piece, however, was this recollection from Elaine Davidson, who clearly has rather low self-esteem.

“My husband took me by surprise and proposed to me in February 1991 outside WHSmith. I accepted and we bought the ring the same day”

Now, I can’t claim to be the most romantic person in the world. BUT OUTSIDE A WHSMITH?!

SERIOUSLY?!

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I Want Him SO Much...

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Literally The BEST News Of My Life... EVER!

Welsh warbler and Doctor Who-botherer, Miss Katherine Jenkins (45) has hilariously admitted to suffering from a debilitating, crippling fear.

Now, I wouldn’t normally mock.

I’m scared of bees. I’m scared of wasps. I’m scared of heights. I’m scared of enclosed spaces. I’m scared of dying alone and unloved.

But despite the fact that this makes me a wimp, I reckon they’re pretty normal things to be afraid of.

BUT... Dame Jenkins of the Aria suffers from Anatidaephobia.

The fear…

No, hang on.

*DRUMROLL PLEASE*






The fear that somehow, somewhere, a duck is watching her.

What in the name of bloody hell?!

God bless, Kathy J.

Mad bitch.

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And I Was Having Such A Nice Day...

This, from Electro-Pop-Poof Patrick Wolf:

"I think 27 is an age where you really do have to take a look at your life and then re-address what you want to do with your future. It's a real sea-change moment"

Oh. Really?

Shit.

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Hugh Bonneville In Doctor Who

Doctor Who Watch #23

The Curse Of The Black Spot by Stephen Thompson

I'm so glad you're back.

Did you worry I might revert to my old way of writing, sans you?

I've been dying to find out what happened next... Don't leave me in suspence! Surely this was one of the most eagerly-awaited episodes EVER... Who shot the Doctor? Is Amy Pond pregnant? Who IS River Song? Tell me, tell me, tell me...

Erm. We didn't find out.

What, nothing?!

Nothing. There was a throwaway line at the end of Episode Two, about going off and having "more adventures" instead of giving us closure. This is one such adventure.

So you don't find out ANYTHING?! No. Not even why star of stage and screen, Dame Frances Barber, is popping up without one of her eyes?!

Nope. Although she puts in another appearance in this episode. Seemingly connected to Amy's dreams, and Amy sleeping.

Amy was sleeping? Had she read the script? Is SHE getting bored of waiting for answers too?

We ALL want to know what's going on, but how shit would the Bad Wolf arc had been if you saw Lord Billie of Piper writing Bad Wolf herself in Episode Three? There'd be no mystery; no hook; nothing. No reason to keep watching. I trust the Moffat not to keep us waiting as long as the producers of LOST.

Have you seen LOST?

No.

Oh.

This episode was up against it from the start...

Cursed, you might say.

You might, but I wouldn't lower myself to such punnery. It followed a pitch-perfect two-parter - crammed with questions and folklore-to-be - and was scheduled before the fanwank-tastic script by Neil Gaiman that has been getting geeks everywhere moist and hard since it was first announced that Moffat had invited him to share a lamb chop supper and discuss 'WHO' ideas. This episode was probably the only episode in Who History that I HAVEN'T looked forward to. I was preparing myself for a disappointment on the same scale as THE DOCTOR'S COCKING DAUGHTER.

I quite liked that one.

Piss off.

...Although I can't watch it now with the knowledge that David Tennant actually fucked his own daughter. Even if it is make-believe.

Moving on... I guess dreading it and being pleasently surprised is a much better turn of events than wetting yourself with anticipation, only to get an episode where Martha Jones wails like a jilted banshee over a fish drowning in the mud.

Well, quite.

And I really didn't hold out much hope for the writing, as the scribe behind 'The Pirate One' was the berk behind 'The Chinese One' in the first series of Sherlock. 'The Chinese One' also being known, affectionately-ish, as 'The Shit One'. The odds were really against this one. But I did a massive like over it.

Hugh Bonneville must have helped.

I love Hugh Bonneville, and making him a pirate always seemed at odds with his all-round cuddly wonderfulness. Huge Downton, as I shall call him, grew a beard, developed a love of gold that eclipsed his own paternal instincts (the same way that my father's love of anything that isn't me eclipses HIS paternal instincts) but he was essentially still Huge Downton - The Good Guy. Therefore, even when his son 'died' because of his greed, we didn't really mind. Because it was Huge Downton. Lily Cole, on the other hand, is but a plague upon this earth, and her strangely-shaped faced haunts my dreams. But even I must put my (frankly ludicruous) hatred of the modelling bint aside and conceed that she was PERFECTLY cast as The Siren. If I was going to cast Lily Cole in something, I wouldn't give her any lines, either!

You mean the Daleks aren't the baddies in this episode either?! No Daleks OR River Song...?!

Nope. This time, we had a soggy, floaty version of Nurse Charlie Fairhead from the future.

Sounds pretty terrifying, actually. I've feared him ever since he killed that nice Brenda Fricker.

It was a neat take on the whole 'medicine going mental' story that pops up every now and then (The Empty Child, various episodes of Red Dwarf...) So the 'Black Spot' was merely a tissue sample taken by Doctor Lillibet Cole, and she wasn't killing them - she sensed illness or paper cuts, and 'saved' them in her futuristical sick bay.

Sounds mental.

It actually held together a lot better than it sounds. Better than flitting from past to future worked in last year's half-good Victory Of The Daleks.

Did Matt Smith get his penis out in this episode?

Nope. Sadly. I'm actually struggling to recall anything The Doctor did in this episode, other than get pretty much every theory wrong and put everyone in peril at least nine times. This episode really belonged to Rory - hilarious under the Siren's spell, heartbreaking as he urged Amy to save his life after he was on the brink of death: "I know you'll never give up"

*SOB*

Except she bloody well DID give up, after a mere few seconds. I think she wanted Rory out of the way so she could insert Matt Smith inside herself.

It's a natural reaction, to be honest.

Yes, but Rory is great.

Because he remind you of yourself?

Quiet time, now.

So you cried?

Yes.

And did you have a favourite line?

"Yo ho ho! Shiver me timbers! Or does no-one say that anymore?!" Great opening line from the pretty Doctor.

Best Moment?

I rather liked the reveal as to what The Siren actually was. And generally enjoyed the feeling of relief upon realising that this episode hadn't been cunted up by the third-best Sherlock writer and fried egg-faced Lily Cole. Was a nice surprise.

Worst Moment?

Although I love Rory, and I loved his touching faith in POND, he died AGAIN! He's had more comebacks than East 17 - although admittedly slightly more successful and slightly less suicide-enducing. Killing him and resurrecting him just jars slightly; it makes a bit of a joke of him. And of the series. There's no element of threat if you know he's going to pop back up. It worked in this story, but it's becoming ever-so-slightly laughable.

And your much-anticipated rating?

SEVEN out of TEN

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Doctor Who Watch #22

The Impossible Astronaut/The Day Of The Moon by Steven Moffat
So, let's cut to the chase... Was it worth the wait?

Oh yes. This hotly-anticipated two-part opener was AMAZING.

Why the change of format?

The RTD OBE pattern of episodes was getting a bit tired, wasn't it? It's nice to shake things up a little bit. They’re also splitting the series into two halves.

No, not Doctor Who. I meant this review. Why the change of format?

Because writing these days seems to be a bit of a chore for me, and I wanted to do something different – while still continuing to offer my unrivalled (!) insight into Doctor Who episodes. I have OCD; I can't NOT review a new episode. Even if it does take me a while. This is a way of renewing my interest. Plus I've always been a fan of the Guardian's Pass Notes column.

So you’ve stolen the idea, basically?

Basically, yes.

Not sure I like it.

Work with me.

Okay... So, what was this story about?

Amy, Rory and Moll Flanders are invited to America to witness an astronaut shoot and kill the Doctor.

Who is Moll Flanders?

River Song. There IS a glossary at the start of this blog! And you’re missing the point – the Doctor DIES!

Dies?

Yes, dies.

Bit of a short series.

Well... He dies in 200 years’ time. Soon, the present version of the Doctor comes bounding out of a cafe toilet with a straw – possibly nicked from Anne Reid – and straight into the slap-happy hooves of Dame Moll Flanders.

She slaps him? I thought she wanted him to frig her twunt.

She does. I think. But she slapped him for dying in the future and inviting them, in the present, to witness it. Matt Smith’s – “I presume that’s for something I haven’t done yet. Good, I look forward to it” – is wonderfully played.

So then what?

The Doctor knows something’s wrong, but his companions refuse to tell him what they’ve just seen – because, you know, he wouldn’t want them to. Matt Smith’s interrogation of Moll Flanders is brilliant; why should he trust her?

Does she tell him who she is?

No.

Does she say ‘Spoilers’...?

Yes. Seventy-three times in the first episode alone.

So that’s set things up nicely for a mystery throughout the series, and leaves everyone walking on eggshells, lest they drop the ‘You’re going to die’ bomb halfway through one of their TARDIS Jenga tournaments. What about the main thrust of this story? Who are the naughty scamps putting our beloved planet in peril now? The Daleks?

No... The Silence. MUCH scarier than Daleks. A cross between Tommy Lee-Jones, a blamanche and Munch’s Scream. They wipe your memory the moment you turn away from them, meaning they’ve been walking the Earth for, like, AGES... And no-one has known. And one of them kills a nice lady called Joy in a toilet, which is very mean and is actually quite a horrific scene, given this is allegedly a kids’ programme.

You mean restroom. It is set in America, after all.

Quite. And what a magnificent setting it proves to be; such landscape. Vast opening shots at the front of both episodes just add to the size of the piece. Epic surroundings for an epic tale that poses SO many questions.

So the flight abroad was more worthwhile than the time they took a bus and a horse-shaped Slater Sister over to a desert, then?

Please don’t speak of that episode again. The only purpose it serves is to remind me I got lucky that night.

Oooh... Do tell.

Erm, no. Ask me more things about Doctor Who.

You said the episode poses questions. Like what?

Well, POND is pregnant. Possibly.

Possibly? Hasn’t she had time to piss on a stick yet?

Well, the Doctor’s done a scan and the readings are both negative and positive.

What the concrete fuck?

Exactly, like I say, it poses many questions. And there’s a photo of Amy with the baby in an abandoned children’s home. So surely this means she IS in the family way. And the baby... get this... is the girl who has been phoning the President, which kicked this whole tale off. AND she’s the one in the astronaut suit who shoots the Doctor.

WHAT? My brain hurts.

And then Amy shoots the girl, thinking that she won’t be around to kill the Doctor in the future. But... erm... She’s a crap shot.

She shoots HER OWN DAUGHTER?!

We don’t know if it IS her daughter yet. But if this two-parter has a weakness, it’s that there’s no follow-up to this shooting. Surely the Doctor – who would (probably) rather bum an Ood than acknowledge someone who carries a gun – has something to say to Amy about shooting a girl?

HER OWN DAUGHTER!

Maybe. My money’s actually on the girl turning out to be River.

Moll Flanders?

Yes. We already know her stupidly mahoosive hair is responsible for killing a man – “a good man” – so could it be her in the spacesuit?

Does that even make sense?

God only knows... Like I say, there are so many things that this two-parter sets up that don’t get resolved. Sure, the Doctor’s defeat of The Silence is a work of art – subliminal messages of a Silent saying “you should kill us on sight” played during the Moon Landings, really works as a solution to a seemingly unbeatable foe – but there are a few too many loose ends for this to work outside of the context of the whole series. It’s not quite satisfying enough.

You’re just impatient.

Yes, I am. I want to know how it’s all going to play out. I want to know how Steven Moffat can just KILL the Doctor?! What is the curly-haired brainiac playing at?! And just WHAT is TV’s very own Frances Barber doing in an eyepatch, for a mere five seconds of screen time? Surely she’ll be in it further down the line? Is she going to be this series’ Doctor with/without a jacket?! Is she guesting as a version of Gabrielle from an alternate universe?

Is she a pirate?

No, the pirates are on next week.

So you’ve got Moll Flanders, and Gabrielle... Any other guest stars of note?

Adam Klaus from Jonathan Creek pops up as President Nixon, with a nose quite clearly stolen from David Attenborough show.

Like this?

Yes. That’s the one. There should also be special mention for the creepy-as-fuck owner of the haunted kiddy pound. He was as atmospheric as the house he frequented; unnerving; slightly backwards. Slow, but seemingly on edge; fidgety; the potential to go postal. Wonderful performance. But my favourite guest star – probably so far – is Mark Sheppard as Canton Everette Delaware III.

Wow. His parents must have hated him.

Yeah... But there’s a specific moment when Matt Smith says it in the TARDIS which is camp-as-glitter, and makes me love him even more than I already do. He says it a few times, but there’s a particular one that just makes me glad he’s the Doctor.

You're weird.

Anyway... Mark Sheppard as Canton plays a blinder, both as the good guy and the good guy pretending to be the bad guy. He has such charisma, that I did find myself questioning at one point whether I fancy him or not?

And do you?

Not as much as Matt Smith.

As much as the person you watched Planet Of The Dead with?!

Piss, NO! But I hope Canton makes a return. Maybe he could pop up in Torchwood, now that’s gone all American on our ass.

Anything else to recommend the episode? You might want to start wrapping it up now – you’ve been talking at me for quite a while. I want to go and watch Don’t Scare The Hare on iPlayer.

The Nano-recorders (although a bit Silence In The Library and Flesh & Stone) were a nice device, which really hammered home the point that The Silence are everywhere and YOU JUST DON’T KNOW IT! There was, of course, the amazing moment when you think everything’s done and dusted, and there are enough questions to ponder, that the little girl – sans spacesuit – only bloody well goes and regenerates.

*SCREAMS* Oh, my GOD! Really?!

Yes, that’s pretty much how I reacted. Quite what it all means – have Amy and the Doctor done a sex, and is little space girl the product of a leaky 700-year old rubber – I cannot wait to find out.

Any favourite quote? You normally have a favourite quote.

“Don’t ever play games with me. Don’t ever, ever, think you’re capable of that” – Nice to see a dark, Eccleston-ish side coming out of Matt “Beautiful” Smith.

That’s shit. I prefer... “I’m quite the screamer. Now there’s a spoiler for you”... Did you cry? You always cry?

I might have shed a tear or two. When Rory overhears Amy declaring her love and assumes – as did I – that she’s talking to the Doctor, it did upset me. Mainly because Rory reminds me a lot of myself. Always someone’s second choice. But when POND calls him ‘Stupid Face’ and he realises she DOES love him, I did clutch my little heart and do a big ‘AWWWW’. And cried again. A bit. A little bit.

Best Moment?

For sheer shock value – and at least the Doctor’s death was 25% signposted by DWM – it’s got to be the regeneration of little girly wotsit.

Worst Moment?

The gag about Canton wanting to marry. It was obvious that he wanted to marry a man, so the payoff just wasn’t needed – and therefore wasn’t funny. Although Nixon’s reaction was priceless. Well done, Big Nose.

And your much-anticipated rating?

TEN out of TEN

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Doctor Who Watch #21

The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang by Steven Moffat

"Nothing is ever forgotten, not completely. And if something can be remembered, it can come back"

Almost a year to the date since it was first transmitted, and several viewings later in an attempt to fully grasp "WTF?!" I have finally got round to reviewing the finale of Series Five. A bit like that massive piece of coursework that you've been putting off and putting off, the final result is far from grade-winning. It's a bit of a rush-job, and only features three (what I consider to be) "jokes". The rest is just bluster and pointlessness. I promise to up my game in time for Series Six.

(NEXT WEEK, PEEPS! Much excitement!)

Anyway...

Opening with a re-appearance from various guest characters - Ginger Vince, Ever-Drooling Churchill, Comedy Cockney Queen Lizzy - you got the feeling that all the little seeds Moffat had planted throughout the series were about to flourish.

Well... Erm... Some did. Although it seems this series has raised more questions than it's answered...

River Song returned and snogged The Sexiest Prison Guard EVER (official) with her magic lipstick, before making an escape. Leaving in her place an hilarious picture of her saying 'BYE'...! I laughed a little bit too much over that one. She then threatened a giant smurf, POND found the engagement ring of her dead and forgotten fiancee, found a message on a cliff-face from River, who for reasons best known to Moffat, then appeared in Roman Britain dressed as Cleopatra. I would have preferred Cleo Laine, to be honest. She showed off Vinnie's painting of the TARDIS exploding and then - AND ONLY THEN - did the titles roll.

Phew. LOTS of ground covered there. This wasn't going to be a episode you could have one eye on, while the other eye looks over at how pretty the object of your affection is, despite having only got out of bed an hour before. See Doctor Who Watch #12. NO... This was going to be a episode you'd have to concentrate on.

And even then, chances are you wouldn't understand ALL of it.

The first part of this episode is mainly just hanging around waiting for the Pandorica to open. Sure, Amy gets attacked by the head of a Cyberman - terrifying for the first time since their abysmal re-imagining at the hands of RTD OBE (Assumpta Fitzgerald, anyone?) and Rory returns from the dead, as a Roman. And River figures out that the whole set-up is a trap, based on the memories of Amelia POND. But it's mainly just about waiting for that box:

"Built to contain the most feared thing in all the universe"

Was I being dense when I didn't figure that it was built to contain The Doctor?! I thought maybe it was Davros? Or the Emperor Dalek? Or 'The Silence' that's beem mentioned throughout the series? Or maybe even TV's Chloe Webber?! Is it foolish of me not to have grasped that it was actually meant as a prison for The Doctor? Well... When the penny finally did drop, I thought it was a brilliant twist. So I was rewarded for my thickness with a loin-quiverring 'OMG!' moment.

It was also an unbelievably funny episode. The smurf bloke, the Doctor's speech about surprising the Daleks - "we'd be killed instantly, so it'd be a fairly short surprise" - and Rory's "I died and turned into a Roman; it's very distracting" all made me do a hearty chuckle.

I also enjoyed Amy's "Invasion of the hot Italians. Yeah... I did get marked down for the title" - Reminded me of my own thesis on feminism in Shakespeare, entitled Othello And His Bitches.

But for all of its humour and action and plot twists and excellence, the whole thing didn't really take flight until the resolve of THAT cliffhanger. Sure, the Doctor gets trapped in the Pandorica. How's he going to get out of that one? Yeah. Okay. Good ending to Part One.

But when it opens in Part Two and POND is there instead of the Doctor... That's when you REALLY sit up and take note. WTF x20!

Wasn't she dead? Didn't Rory shoot her in the closing minutes of Part One? Did I cry my eyes out at the sadness of that scene FOR NOTHING?! Beautiful scene tho. Tragic scene.

As the Doctor flits from the past to the present to the future, wearing a Fez and carrying a broom (WONDERFUL!) all becomes clear. Well... As clear as it's possible to be when you're talking about sci-fi from Steven Moffat's brainbox. The Pandorica healed POND, so she's no longer dead. And she was revived by her thirsty seven-year-old self leaving a DNA imprint on the side of the Pandorica, which Rory had opened in the past with the screwdriver given to him by the Doctor in the future. And Rory the Roman is a Roman because he's part of the trap laid using Amy's memories, but is also actually Rory... For the same reason. Which means he's back from the dead. But surely still plastic?! Armed with a handgun. Literally.

The TARDIS exploding at the end of Part One caused the cracks in time, including the one in Amy's bedroom back in Episode One. So mystery solved there.

But what caused the TARDIS to explode in the first place? Maybe River Song's hair products had finally caught light?! Was it due to 'The Silence' and, if so, WHO THE PISSING HELL ARE 'THE SILENCE'...?!

I hope we'll find out. I hope it's explained. MANY a-question has been raised this series. It would be a shame if they weren't all answered, or if they were dragged out for longer than six series' of LOST. (Fucking Polar Bears)

And WHY is the Dalek scared of River Song? Who/WHAT is she?!

I loved River Song in the library episodes, but if she doesn't hurry up and reveal who she is soon, I might just have to spit in her hair! Intrigue can only last for so long before it just becomes plain annoying, and people stop caring. See also: 'Who killed Tom King?' in Emmerdale. And as I just said... All six series of LOST.

But the two-parter - and the series as a whole - ties up enough loose ends for it to serve as a highly satisfying conclusion, while leaving us still wanting more.

The solution to the slight problem of, you know, the END OF EVERYTHING seemed slightly more "realistic" than any solution to an RTD OBE finale. It seemed feasible, is what I'm saying. RTD OBE - Gawd Bless Him - used to say that because it's sci-fi, you can do anything. But he would often forget to marry that with, at least, a pinch of logic. Moffat, however, seems to write stories and plots and solutions that, for all their madness and fantasy, still have one foot in the "well, that kinda makes sense" camp.

RTD OBE wrote the line: "And the TARDIS pulls the Earth back home"

At least this finale - although less bombastic than RTD OBE's series conclusions - didn't leave you thinking: "Well, that's just fucking proposterous". And don't get me started on Series Three's Master retardation.

The Pandorica healing the universe - as it healed Amy - by being fired into the exploding TARDIS, and therefore, exploding at every point in space and time, WORKED as a solution.

And if nothing else, his sacrifice - 'death' by exploding Pandorica - gave us that quiet, tender scene where the Doctor asks "the girl who waited" if it was worth it. Not as tear-worthy as the RTD OBE finales, but it still made me damp around the eye-sockets for a brief moment.

The 'resurrection' of the Doctor, courtesy of planting 'memories' in Amy's mind (and then rushing back to Episode Five wearing a jacket - See Doctor Who Watch #17) was brilliantly done, and I got goosebumps during the "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue" speech at the wedding. I wouldn't be surprised if that one phrase was the kick-off point for Moffat, and everything else - the whole SERIES - came afterwards. It just seemed like everything was leading towards THAT phrase, and I actually applauded.

Yes.

Alone. In my flat. No-one around.

I applauded.

I suggest you watch the episode again and do the same.

Total Score: TEN out of TEN

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Is This REALLY News?!

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Newspaper Excuse Of The Week

If, like me, you spend your life reading newspapers, you will be familiar with the Financial Letters pages. A place where dozy twunts who haven't read the small print moan to the national press about a bank/insurance company/loan shark being mean to them. The national press then steps in and the bank/insurance company/loan shark backs down...

The villain of the piece normally ends up giving them a refund AND a £100 'apology payment' to make up for the mean-ness.

Best defence I've ever read from a reader (Daily Mail, naturally) as to why they are being hard-done by and the insurance company is very much in the wrong:

"My car went to the garage for repair of damage caused by another motorist. While this was going on, I was overseas adopting an orphan. This meant my attention may not have been as sharp as it should have been..."

WHAT?! Is that a valid excuse now?

"Sorry I got drunk and run over that pensioner. My attention may not have been as sharp as it could have been - I was thinking about my next trip to Malawi"

It might work as an excuse for why Madonna hasn't had a decent album since Ray Of Light, but as a get-out-of-jail-free excusing people from insurance fraud and all kinds of other naughtiness? Surely not...

"Myra Hindley, how do you plead?"
"I'm sorry, but my mind was all over the place. You see, there's this little kiddie in Zimbabwe that I've got my eye on..."

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Runny Yellow News #4

You know when someone says they've hurt their ankle just weeks before they were supposed to take part in the marathon? And you're listening to their tale of woe, all the time thinking that they're lying out of their lazy, cowardly, good-for-nothing backside?

Erm...

I've hurt my ankle just weeks before I was supposed to take part in the marathon.

Seems a bit pointless lying to you. So I won't: I'm relieved as all hell.

I'm happy as larry; as a pig in shit; as Lorraine Kelly having her fanny tickled. I'm the complete OPPOSITE of Annette Crosbie*. I'm over the moon. Let joy be unconfined. I no longer have to put myself through the torture of running TWENTY-SIX ACTUAL SODDING MILES through the streets of Brighton, in the general direction of death itself. There is no way I could have survived. The furthest I'd managed to run during my training was a mere ten miles. This, you will note, is not twenty-six miles. It is ten miles. Ten miles = NOT EVEN HALF A MARATHON.

I don't know how Dame Lady Bex got on with her training, but I can imagine that not too many tears were shed when I sent the following email in the general direction of Wolverhamptonesshire:

"I have a small feeling that I am going to have to pull out of the marathon. Now, normally I hate pulling out prematurely. However, this time, I feel it is probably for the best. You see, the other day I woke up and found myself limping like fuck; my ankle feeling as if it was going to snap if I put any weight on it... I literally couldn't walk, Sir. I couldn't put ANY weight down on my ankle at all. It's my left ankle, too, Sir... Which has always been my favourite and by far the prettiest."

"Ended up at the hospital, and the fucking useless doctors took blood samples (they thought it was an infection - it wasn't) and took X-Rays (they thought I'd broken it - I hadn't). They didn't have a pissing clue, Sir. Basically I'm taking painkillers (which I had to buy myself - they didn't even give me them, the CUNTS!) and I've got to go to a Fracture Clinic on Wednesday to see if they can figure out what's wrong with it. It's a bit worrying that I went away from the hospital not having a clue why I could no longer walk!"

So... Fracture Clinic treated me as if I was interrupting their highly-important task of thumbing themselves. No use whatsoever. They've referred me to Rheumatology; passing me around like a wannabe WAG at a Premier League, Premier Inn spit-roast. It seems nobody actually wants to figure out what the problem is.

I can walk with very little pain now. No thanks to those hospital bastards. But if I manage to bollock up my ankle WHILE SLEEPING, Christ knows what damage I could do while on a TWENTY-SIX MILES death-sprint.

I wanted to run the marathon so that I could actually achieve something in my life. Well, I also embarked on the challenge of training with a view to losing the pizza gut and luring many a-gent with my new-found, marathon-induced sexiness. (Oh yes, I now have the body of Little Eddie Upcott. Except slightly more monkey-like and, you know, a lot more legal!)

But that was just a happy side-effect. The main reason behind setting myself this RIDICULOUS challenge was so that I could tick something off my Important List Of Fings Wot I Want To Achieve.

Well, spit in my face and call me Bobcat. Why didn't I think of it before?! I don't need to run the marathon to tick something off my Important List Of Fings Wot I Want To Achieve.

I just need to write a new list! One that is spookily missing the bit that used to say 'Run A Marathon'.

Maybe now it says 'Have A Relaxing Holiday In Paris'...?

Yes.

Time to write a new list, methinks.

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*Annette Crosbie. One Foot In The Grave miserablist. Looks like a haggard old bulldog in a petticoat, licking the piss from a hedgehog's prickly cock-tip.

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In-Joke

I have thought of a new plot-twist for the over-hyped, Daily Mail-baiting, non-stop laughter-fest that is the Ronnie Mitchell/Kat Moon baby swap debacle. Ronnie Mitchell should marry Alfie Moon. Story-wise, it makes piss-all sense and does nothing to develop their characters.

But think about it.

There would then be an actual character on national television called... RONNIE MOON!

(Yeah. Like I said. In joke!)

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2010 Questionnaire

Up there with Jools Holland's Hootenanny as one of those New Year's traditions that just won't FUCK OFF AND DIE... It's time for my annual analysis of all things good, bad, and frighteningly honest over the past twelve months... A year in the life of Lady Jayne McBollock, laid bare for all to see. (I should probably stop doing these soon - I've yet to work out what purpose they actually serve)


What Did You Do In 2010 That You'd Never Done Before?
Met actual NO ANGELS! After all these years, I finally got to see Ludmilla's hair in all its glory! ALSO... Attended a Murder Mystery Party, hosted a dinner party, walked around our fair capital dressed as Fred Flinstone, went on a Monopoly Pub Crawl, visited Birmingham, acquired myself a Personal Trainer - (NOT) Derrick Evans - and... erm... ate mussels.

Did You Keep Your New Year's Resolutions, And Will You Make More For Next Year?
My New Year's Resolution was to make 2010 a 'Year Of Plenty', by way of compensating for the shit-fest that was 2009. I guess I did fairly well with that one. LOTS of drunken exploits, many-a new people coming into my life and livening it up somewhat... A fair few weekends away, some completely random days out (Canvey pissing Island?! WTF?!) and an above-average amount of naughty. All in all, I think I did rather well in 2010. Although there's always room for improvement...
My New Year's Resolution for 2011 is not to be alone for Christmas. I love Christmas. Especially Christmas Eve - It's always better than Christmas Day. But next year, it'd just be nice to wake up with someone on the 25th and do things 'properly'.

Did Anyone Close To You Give Birth?
Nope. And I'm still not having much luck conceiving, either...

Did Anyone Close To You Die?
The lovely Ivy from Spain passed away a couple of days before Christmas, which was a real shame. I liked Ivy. She was always a good laugh. A game old bird with a twinkle in her eye, and very generous with the bits of TAPAS she'd pass me under the table... Rest in peace, Ivy, dear.

What Countries Did You Visit?
Germany (for the first time) and Spain (for about the ninth!)

What Would You Like To Have In 2011 That You Lacked In 2010?
More time, drunken-ness and random trips with my favourite people.

What Date From 2009 Will Remain Etched Upon Your Memory, And Why?
May 22nd. Hands down, best day of the year!

What Was Your Biggest Achievement Of 2010?
Not much to choose from, frankly... Even my promotion to ACTUAL MANAGER was probably down to necessity rather than actual achievement. But hey... The payrise is the same, whether I got the job on merit or purely through being the last one standing. So it troubles me not.

What Was Your Biggest Failure?
Having to give up my PRETTY, PRETTY FLAT... And move back home with the parents was a particular low point.

Did You Suffer Illness Or Injury?
Drunkenly trying to penetrate a bronze statue led to me falling face-first onto the pretty concrete of Birmingham. Luckily the amount of alcohol I'd consumed meant I didn't feel a thing - and now I have a "manly" scar on my forehead, which is a real talking point when I'm trying to score myself some fanny. Yeah. I'm a hard-nut. *Flexes Biceps and GROWLS*
Also spent Boxing Day onwards with a shocking headache, unmoveable neck, small vommy sessions and hilarious lethargy. I wonder if it's a reaction to having to scan broadsheets at work for the first time in FOUR YEARS, despite the fact - and I AM going to pull rank here - that I'm an ACTUAL MANAGER!

What Was The Best Thing You Bought?
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha... Let's not go there...

Where Did Most Of Your Money Go?
See the answer above! Very much the answer above!

What Did You Get Really, Really Excited About?
Meeting NO ANGELS. So excited, I could have done a massive faint. And very nearly did, after that free shot beforehand...

What Songs Will Always Remind You Of 2010?
Alex Band - Tonight
No Angels - Amaze Me
30 Seconds To Mars - A Beautiful Lie
Train - Hey, Soul Sister
Train - If It's Love
Matt Cardle - The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
Taylor Swift - Love Story
Tom McRae - Please

Compared To This Time Last Year, Are You:

I - Happier or Sadder? - Happier
II - Thinner or Fatter? - Thinner
III - Richer or Poorer? - Richer

(All in all, a pretty sound result! Best so far, stats fans!!)

What Do You Wish You'd Done More Of?
Bending over? No... I jest. Possibly. Ish. Sort-of. I wish I'd done more travelling; more discovering of new places. RANDOM DAYS OUT AND WEEKENDS AWAY - That's what I want from life!! I wish I'd got up of a morning, grabbed the closest homosexual travelling companion I could find, and headed off to expore random corners of the globe. Like Clacton. Or Cardiff. Or Manchester. All these places I want to go at some point in my lifetime. Maybe that's a second New Year's Resolution for 2011...?

What Do You Wish You'd Done Less Of?
Being honest!

Did You Fall In Love In 2010?
Bite me.

How Many One Night Stands?
Sorry, but it WAS my official 'Year Of Plenty'...!

What Was Your Favourite TV Programme?
Doctor Who returned with a proper series, and a beautiful new Doctor. It feels wrong selecting anything else as my favourite programme, but the series itself left me a little underwhelmed, despite Matt Smith and The POND being completely orgasmic. Spooks had me on the edge of my seat, and it's been a while since I blubbed quite so outrageously as when Ruth Evershed turned Harry down: "We'll never be more together than we are now." BUT... For being one of the very few feel-good programmes that I'll actually acknowledge, and for making me shriek with girly laughter at least five times per episode, my favourite programme of the year would have to be Miranda. Simple, uncomplicated, heart-warming brilliance. Such fun.

Do You Hate Anyone Now That You Didn't Hate This Time Last Year?
Nick Clegg and Frankie Boyle.

What Was The Best Book You Read?
I can't be sure, but I don't think I've read a single book this year. Shocking.

What Was Your Greatest Musical Discovery?
VERY dry year for new music, sadly. Quite liked unearthing 30 Seconds To Mars, but they hardly blew me away like Frankmusik the year before. Mumford & Sons were probably the best new music-y peoples wot I added to my iPod this year. After The Storm makes me weak. Very disappointed I didn't get to see them live. Mainly because I want 75% of them inside me.

What Concerts Did You Go To In 2010?
Saw Tom McRae THREE times this year - "Tom-brella" being a particular highlight. Alex Cornish, Kings Of Leon and ACTUAL NO ANGELS, live in ACTUAL BERLIN!! Amazingly amazing.

What Was Your Favourite Film Of This Year?
Rare Exports! Apart from the fact I got to see 100+ elderly willies swinging around in arctic surroundings (WTF?!) it was probably my favourite film because of the young gent I went to see it with. And the MASSIVE plate of nachos and shit-cheese helped too!

What Did You Want And Get This Year?
A bit more money in my account. Although I did have to depart my pretty Bromley dwellings in order to achieve this. Hey-ho. I'll find somewhere else soon. But for now... SAVE, SAVE, SAVE. Then buy holidays, clothes and alcohol. Then SAVE, SAVE, SAVE again. Then, maybe another holiday? Then SAVE. Then a weekend away - maybe Clacton? Then SAVE, SAVE, etc...

What Did You Want And Not Get This Year?
A 'YES'

What Did You Do On Your Birthday, And How Old Were You?
I was Twenty-Something! I met the McMahon's for a few drinkies and some Tapas, acquired an uplifting book from Jo, went home for a family meal, stayed up eating cheese and watching Arrested Development, before falling asleep on a sofa.

What One Thing Would Have Made Your Year Immeasurably More Satisfying?
As a way of keeping up staff morale after 95% of the Eggplant workforce were made redundant, I would have liked it if my old boss had been dragged back to the office, chained to a radiator and had 430 items of rotting fruit aimed at her spreadsheet-obsessed face. That would have been satisfying.

How Would You Describe Your Personal Fashion Concept In 2010?
"Items wot were purchased in 2009" - Living alone really screws your ability to buy sexy new garments.

What Kept You Sane?
Hope. Hope for the future. Misplaced hope, it turns out. So I'll have to find something else to keep me sane for 2011. Maybe Therapy?!

Which Celebrity/Public Figure Did You Fancy The Most?
Three of the Four McFly gentlemen. God bless their new look... And THAT edition of Attitude magazine!

What Political Issue Stirred You The Most?
Vince Cable putting his foot in it. Not so much the story itself, but the photographs of him the day after the news broke. I mean... What was his HAT all about?!

Who Did You Miss?
Jill Fisher (!)

Who Was The Best New Person You Met?
Michael, Charlie and - more recently - the very pretty Kris!

Tell Us A Valuable Life Lesson You Learned In 2010:
That despite singing the popular Smiths mantra 'Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want' to the God Of Happiness at least four-hundred-and-seventy-ninety-twelve times, erm... it's never going to happen. Ever.

Quote A Song Lyric That Sums Up Your Year:
"On a spinning ball in the middle of space, I love you from your toes to your face..."

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Last.FM Charts For 2010

I warned you a year ago... Here I am. Again. Sat here with my 'Geek Hat' on, ready to list my most-played songs of the year for you all to enjoy and appreciate.

I refer you to the justification of 2009, if you genuinely want to know why I waste my time in this fashion. But for those who are more than happy to just (metaphorically) pat me on the head and say 'Ah Bless'...

In association with the magical song-counting pixies at Last.Fm, here are the FIFTY songs I listened to the most during the Year Of Our Lord 2010:

50 - Sara by Fleetwood Mac
49 - Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons
48 - It's A Sin by Frankmusik
47 - Symphonies by Dan Black
46 - Inside My Mind by Jake Morley
45 - Starts With One by Shiny Toy Guns
44 - The Summer Of John Wayne by Tom McRae
43 - Many Of Horror by Biffy Clyro
42 - Stop And Stare by OneRepublic
41 - The Origin Of Love by Headwig & The Angry Inch
40 - The Heart Never Lies by McFly
39 - Brothers In Arms by Alex Cornish
38 - Still Love You by Tom McRae
37 - Opposite Of Love by Tom McRae
36 - A Beautiful Lie by 30 Seconds To Mars
35 - My Vampire Heart by Tom McRae
34 - If It's Love by Train
33 - In For The Kill by La Roux
32 - Independent Love Song by Scarlet
31 - One Mississippi by Tom McRae
30 - The Reason by Hoobastank
29 - Down Boy by No Angels
28 - Moonlight Shadow by Mike Oldfield
27 - Amaze Me by No Angels
26 - In My Head by Jason Derulo
25 - Run by Leona Lewis
24 - I Can Transform Ya by Chris Brown
23 - Today Was A Fairytale by Taylor Swift
22 - Fireflies by Owl City
21 - Bad Romance by Lady Gaga
20 - Quicksand by La Roux
19 - Please by Tom McRae
18 - One Day Like This by Elbow
17 - Roll Away Your Stone by Mumford & Sons

16 - American Spirit by Tom McRae

15 - Over You by Daughtry

14 - Out Of The Walls by Tom McRae

13 - The Cave by Mumford & Sons

12 - Paparazzi by Lady Gaga

11 - After The Storm by Mumford & Sons

10 - Beat Again by JLS

09 - Love Story by Taylor Swift

08 - Hey, Soul Sister by Train

07 - Oh Yeah by Tom McRae

06 - Run by Snow Patrol

05 - Used To by Daughtry

04 - Silent Boulevard by Tom McRae

03 - In A Word by Alex Cornish

02 - Complete Me by Frankmusik

01 - Tonight by Alex Band

Another new entry goes straight to NUMBER ONE, Pop Pickers! A wonderful rock ballad-type song from the sexy genuis wot brought us The Calling's Wherever You Will Go. Except Tonight is even more eye-dampening, skin-shivering than that.

One overriding feeling when I listen to this song: Yearning. 2010 has been a year of yearning. And this song seems to encapsulate that for me. Plus, it reminds me of Berlin. So that probably offers another reason behind me playing it to death these past few months!

Elsewhere... Bit of a random chart for 2010. Many Of Horror made it into the Top 50 well before Matt Cardle got his sexy, Roberta-Flack-topping mitts on it. Jake Morely somehow penetrated the chart... And not even with his Faux-Morrissey-named Pondering On A Scenario In Which I Am The Hero.

A lot less 'cheese' in the chart this year - yet some bizarre 'modern' stuff seemed to find its way into my affection. Jason Derulo, Taylor Swift, JLS... But even I'm baffled fuckless by the appearance of Rhianna-maiming Christopher Brown. What was I thinking?!

Same time next year? It's almost certainly a date. Until then, then? Then? Then? Then? Then?

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