Fan-Wank Dabi-Dozi

It sounds like the sort of ‘fan fiction filth’ you can find dotted around the internet. Places like Nifty. Apparently.

You know the thing...

Harry Potter and Ron Weasley do a naked cuddle
Merlin & Prince Arthur, in the Caves of Drucilla, polishing their armour
Rod, Jane & Freddy lube up Bungle’s bugle

Except THIS, you genuinely couldn’t make it up.

As if lifted from the pages of a really specialist Nifty tale, details have come to light concerning TV “favourites” The Krankies and their rather exuberant approach to love making.

Married for 43 YEARS, Ian Krankie (78) and his son/lover Wee Jimmy Krankie (103) have confessed to having various affairs during their 70’s and 80’s fame, and sharing an ‘anywhere, anytime’ attitude to sexy happenings – including rumpy-pumpy in a boat (which accidentally swept across to France while mid-jizz) and on a Jersey golf course. Save the ‘hole-in-one’ jokes.

“Jersey was good”, said Wee Jimmy – part-woman, part-ventriloquist dummy, part-raisin.

I read the full transcript of their ‘Kiss N’ Tell’ – Kiss N’ Told by The Krankies themselves, bafflingly, as if they had a pantomime to promote – in a silent, depression-strewn office at three in the morning. No-one speaks. No-one makes eye contact. It’s like a morgue.

And suddenly, this deathly dull habitat was interrupted by, what I can only describe as: ‘Hysterical, high-pitched, body-trembling, watery-eyed, red-faced, gaffaw-ment’ lasting about seven excruciating minutes. It was like trying not to laugh at a funeral. The more I looked around at the cold, dead-eyed mutes populating the lifeless work environment, the harder and louder I laughed. I was crying. Tears of absolute joy and laugher.

Why?

Why the enthusiasm?

Because if it wasn’t enough that this AMAZING scoop had appeared on my screen at work, causing endless disbelief at the images of Wee Jimmy Krankie’s dad/lover “running around housing estates naked” – the scoop itself contained the most blissful sentence ever uttered.

Quite honestly the finest sentence of all-time.

Ian Krankie figured out that Wee Jimmy’s schoolboy vagina was being diddled by a big-cat tamer and “complained that his wife smelt of leopards”.

The affair was rumbled because Wee Jimmy Krankie SMELT OF LEOPARDS.

Actually amazing.

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Romantic Of The Week

Moving tributes to... *ahem* a shopping centre (WTF?!) were printed in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle this week. Track down a copy if you wish to read an ‘HILARIOUS’ account of the time some Geordie twonk got Shane Warne and Shane Ward confused. Oh, becalm my aching sides.

My favourite quote of the piece, however, was this recollection from Elaine Davidson, who clearly has rather low self-esteem.

“My husband took me by surprise and proposed to me in February 1991 outside WHSmith. I accepted and we bought the ring the same day”

Now, I can’t claim to be the most romantic person in the world. BUT OUTSIDE A WHSMITH?!

SERIOUSLY?!

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I Want Him SO Much...

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Literally The BEST News Of My Life... EVER!

Welsh warbler and Doctor Who-botherer, Miss Katherine Jenkins (45) has hilariously admitted to suffering from a debilitating, crippling fear.

Now, I wouldn’t normally mock.

I’m scared of bees. I’m scared of wasps. I’m scared of heights. I’m scared of enclosed spaces. I’m scared of dying alone and unloved.

But despite the fact that this makes me a wimp, I reckon they’re pretty normal things to be afraid of.

BUT... Dame Jenkins of the Aria suffers from Anatidaephobia.

The fear…

No, hang on.

*DRUMROLL PLEASE*






The fear that somehow, somewhere, a duck is watching her.

What in the name of bloody hell?!

God bless, Kathy J.

Mad bitch.

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And I Was Having Such A Nice Day...

This, from Electro-Pop-Poof Patrick Wolf:

"I think 27 is an age where you really do have to take a look at your life and then re-address what you want to do with your future. It's a real sea-change moment"

Oh. Really?

Shit.

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Hugh Bonneville In Doctor Who

Doctor Who Watch #23

The Curse Of The Black Spot by Stephen Thompson

I'm so glad you're back.

Did you worry I might revert to my old way of writing, sans you?

I've been dying to find out what happened next... Don't leave me in suspence! Surely this was one of the most eagerly-awaited episodes EVER... Who shot the Doctor? Is Amy Pond pregnant? Who IS River Song? Tell me, tell me, tell me...

Erm. We didn't find out.

What, nothing?!

Nothing. There was a throwaway line at the end of Episode Two, about going off and having "more adventures" instead of giving us closure. This is one such adventure.

So you don't find out ANYTHING?! No. Not even why star of stage and screen, Dame Frances Barber, is popping up without one of her eyes?!

Nope. Although she puts in another appearance in this episode. Seemingly connected to Amy's dreams, and Amy sleeping.

Amy was sleeping? Had she read the script? Is SHE getting bored of waiting for answers too?

We ALL want to know what's going on, but how shit would the Bad Wolf arc had been if you saw Lord Billie of Piper writing Bad Wolf herself in Episode Three? There'd be no mystery; no hook; nothing. No reason to keep watching. I trust the Moffat not to keep us waiting as long as the producers of LOST.

Have you seen LOST?

No.

Oh.

This episode was up against it from the start...

Cursed, you might say.

You might, but I wouldn't lower myself to such punnery. It followed a pitch-perfect two-parter - crammed with questions and folklore-to-be - and was scheduled before the fanwank-tastic script by Neil Gaiman that has been getting geeks everywhere moist and hard since it was first announced that Moffat had invited him to share a lamb chop supper and discuss 'WHO' ideas. This episode was probably the only episode in Who History that I HAVEN'T looked forward to. I was preparing myself for a disappointment on the same scale as THE DOCTOR'S COCKING DAUGHTER.

I quite liked that one.

Piss off.

...Although I can't watch it now with the knowledge that David Tennant actually fucked his own daughter. Even if it is make-believe.

Moving on... I guess dreading it and being pleasently surprised is a much better turn of events than wetting yourself with anticipation, only to get an episode where Martha Jones wails like a jilted banshee over a fish drowning in the mud.

Well, quite.

And I really didn't hold out much hope for the writing, as the scribe behind 'The Pirate One' was the berk behind 'The Chinese One' in the first series of Sherlock. 'The Chinese One' also being known, affectionately-ish, as 'The Shit One'. The odds were really against this one. But I did a massive like over it.

Hugh Bonneville must have helped.

I love Hugh Bonneville, and making him a pirate always seemed at odds with his all-round cuddly wonderfulness. Huge Downton, as I shall call him, grew a beard, developed a love of gold that eclipsed his own paternal instincts (the same way that my father's love of anything that isn't me eclipses HIS paternal instincts) but he was essentially still Huge Downton - The Good Guy. Therefore, even when his son 'died' because of his greed, we didn't really mind. Because it was Huge Downton. Lily Cole, on the other hand, is but a plague upon this earth, and her strangely-shaped faced haunts my dreams. But even I must put my (frankly ludicruous) hatred of the modelling bint aside and conceed that she was PERFECTLY cast as The Siren. If I was going to cast Lily Cole in something, I wouldn't give her any lines, either!

You mean the Daleks aren't the baddies in this episode either?! No Daleks OR River Song...?!

Nope. This time, we had a soggy, floaty version of Nurse Charlie Fairhead from the future.

Sounds pretty terrifying, actually. I've feared him ever since he killed that nice Brenda Fricker.

It was a neat take on the whole 'medicine going mental' story that pops up every now and then (The Empty Child, various episodes of Red Dwarf...) So the 'Black Spot' was merely a tissue sample taken by Doctor Lillibet Cole, and she wasn't killing them - she sensed illness or paper cuts, and 'saved' them in her futuristical sick bay.

Sounds mental.

It actually held together a lot better than it sounds. Better than flitting from past to future worked in last year's half-good Victory Of The Daleks.

Did Matt Smith get his penis out in this episode?

Nope. Sadly. I'm actually struggling to recall anything The Doctor did in this episode, other than get pretty much every theory wrong and put everyone in peril at least nine times. This episode really belonged to Rory - hilarious under the Siren's spell, heartbreaking as he urged Amy to save his life after he was on the brink of death: "I know you'll never give up"

*SOB*

Except she bloody well DID give up, after a mere few seconds. I think she wanted Rory out of the way so she could insert Matt Smith inside herself.

It's a natural reaction, to be honest.

Yes, but Rory is great.

Because he remind you of yourself?

Quiet time, now.

So you cried?

Yes.

And did you have a favourite line?

"Yo ho ho! Shiver me timbers! Or does no-one say that anymore?!" Great opening line from the pretty Doctor.

Best Moment?

I rather liked the reveal as to what The Siren actually was. And generally enjoyed the feeling of relief upon realising that this episode hadn't been cunted up by the third-best Sherlock writer and fried egg-faced Lily Cole. Was a nice surprise.

Worst Moment?

Although I love Rory, and I loved his touching faith in POND, he died AGAIN! He's had more comebacks than East 17 - although admittedly slightly more successful and slightly less suicide-enducing. Killing him and resurrecting him just jars slightly; it makes a bit of a joke of him. And of the series. There's no element of threat if you know he's going to pop back up. It worked in this story, but it's becoming ever-so-slightly laughable.

And your much-anticipated rating?

SEVEN out of TEN

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