Doctor Who Watch #19

The Hungry Earth/Cold Blood by Chris Chibnall

"I gotta be honest with you, Son. We're in the centre of the Earth and there are Lizard Men"

I'm a big fan of Mr Chibnall's work on Torchwood - especially the brutal finale of Season Two - so my hopes were high for this two-parter. Although the hiring of Meera Syal counter-balanced this enthusiasm quite swiftly.

For me, her best performance was as the PE Teacher in the opening minute of Gay Flick (and Jay Bollock's teenage comfort blanket) Beautiful Thing. Best performance... Because it was the shortest. A two-parter of Mr Syal was more than I could handle. And the open ending that means she could be back for more?!

*SHUDDER*

Her Gentleman Caller, the beautifully named Robert Pugh, was marginally better. But I didn't for one second believe that this couple loved each other, which made every attempt to squeeze some emotion out of proceedings seem a bit pointless.

But that's enough about Little Miss Bhaji On The Beach... On with the positives:

It was an engaging story that, for a change, showed that not all aliens are monsters; there are good and bad, just as there are with humans. The Silurian's were much more interesting for that, and the chief mischief maker Lady Silurian was particularly wondrous. I was on the edge of my seat wondering what she would do next, especially after her sister died at the hands of Little Bobby Pugh's on-screen daughter.

(I enjoyed the mini-orgasm noise she made when cradling her lifeless body. I make that noise whenever someone tickles my balls)

She seemed completely unstable, and gagging for a bit of a fight... Which didn't end too well for poor Rory.

Now, I like Rory. This is almost certainly because he reminds me a bit (Okay, a LOT) of myself. So had I been watching this at home, on my own, I probably would have cried a little bit at the tragedy of it all. But I was watching this with a Non-Rory-Enthusiast, which meant a joyful scream of "YES!!!" echoed round the room as Rory got gunned down, and completely ruined the moment for me.

But poor Rory... Poor, poor dead Rory. What is it with this Chibnall bloke? Does he have to kill EVERYONE he writes for?!

Another reason why I didn't cry could be because I am almost certain we'll see him again. But what a shocking end. And the episode wasn't done yet - another CRACK, and a shard of TARDIS... WTF?! Oooh... It's all building to an epic finale, isn't it?

Matt Smith, The POND, Rory, Lady Silurian, the horrible moment where POND got swallowed by the ground (that truly freaked me out!) and the final five minutes of Cold Blood all get top marks from me... But there's still something about the episodes in this series; something almost lacking.

All the individual elements are perfect, Syal excluded - especially the new Doctor, who is just AMAZING - but somehow, when put together, there's something missing. I'm still waiting for an episode to blow me away in the same way something like Turn Left or Doomsday or Parting Of The Ways did.

While this was a good episode, with a couple of excellent moments and some true shocks that will no doubt continue to reverberate throughout the rest of the series - Rory's doing a die and the TARDIS remains being pulled out of the CRACK - it wasn't AMAZING. It wasn't particularly special. Shame.

Total Score: SIX out of TEN

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Quote Of The Week

"Miley Cyrus is fantastic"

- Dame Helen Mirren

Say what now?!

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Soap Revamp

All the major soaps are undergoing somewhat of a revamp at the moment. New producers coming in, trying to make their mark; battling desperately for viewers. New 'Enders blokie is bringing back Kat and Alfie, replacing Ben Mitchell and setting fire to The Vic.

New Corrie blokie - Phil Collinson, of Doctor Who fame - is getting rid of Claire and Ashley. About seven years too late.

Emmerdale's Head Honcho is greenlighting scripts where Aaron and the strangely-beautiful Jackson do naughties together.

But the dude in charge of the current Hollyoaks rejig seems to be putting in the most effort in the quest to attract new viewers. I, for one, am going to start watching again:

That's Bart McQueen. He needs to be naked a lot in the show. A LOT. Isn't he lovely? I think I want to marry him. Or, at the very least, stroke his inner-thigh.

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Doctor Who Watch #18

Vampires Of Venice by Toby Whitehouse

"Did you just say something about Mummy?"

I have a lot to be thankful to Toby Whitehouse for. His episode in Series Two - School Reunion - still ranks as one of my favourites EVER. Mainly because it made me do a massive cry:

"Goodbye, MY Sarah Jane."

And as creator of Being Human, he introduced Mitchell's gorgeous body into my life, for which I shall be forever grateful, and forever damp-of-crotch.

Learning his lesson from the Rose-Mickey-Himself love triangle plot thing of the RTD OBE era, the Doctor whisks Amy and Rory off to Venice for a romantic date. The TARDIS causes people to forget those they leave behind. The Doctor is determined that this won't happen with Amy. He won't come between another couple like he did Mickey and Rose...

...Although mentioning Amy's pneumatic tonguing of last week to the man she's going to marry - while he's on his STAG DO - probably isn't the best way to ensure their relationship goes the distance. But it does lead to a genius opening scene where the Doctor pops out of the cake instead of the expected stripper:

"There's a girl standing outside in just her bikini. Someone let her in and give her a jumper? Lovely girl. Diabetic."

I laughed a lot during this episode. "Oh nice. See what you bring me? The plague!"

Rory being noted on the psychic paper as a eunuch probably went over the target audience's head, but I dun a guffaw.

POND's "I'm from Ofsted" was inspired. And the scene where Rory rails against the Doctor for kissing POND...

"And you kissed her back?!"
"No, I kissed her mouth!"

...Blissful dialogue. And the scene where the Doctor and Rory get them out. (Torches, sadly, not their magnificent cock-shafts)

"Yours is bigger than mine"
"Let's not go there"

PLUS... I would have wet myself at the "Tell me the whole plan" scene had I not seen it on a hundred-and-ninety-seventy trailers beforehand. This episode was just full of brilliant gags and genius scripting-ness.

So why didn't I enjoy it?

Matt Smith was on top form. POND and Rory rediscovering the 'fun' side of their relationship, and POND ramming her tongue down the RIGHT person (this time!) was quite heartwarming to see. Rory pulling up the Doctor on making people a danger to themselves because they want to impress him was a point well made. Loads of elements here should have made it an award-winning episode.

But instead it just dragged.

The Shit Father of the executed Nearly-Vampire-Fish-Thing-Girl was a knob. You could tell Helen McCrory and her Fish Son were bad 'uns from the moment she declared: "We will take your world" - And still, he left her there at the School Of Naughty Doings And Misdeeds.

What kind of blind fool couldn't see he was abandoning her to evilness? And, as expected, moments later, Fish Son was rubbing his helmet up the executed Nearly-Vampire-Fish-Thing-Girl's pelvic floor and you just knew things were going to end badly. Already there's ZERO sympathy for Shit Father's plight because it's all down to Shit Father's own stupidity.

The fact they weren't vampires - but poorly-realised Fish People - was a disappointment. Luckily they weren't as offensive as the Hath or those wanky Fly Creatures from the Zoe 'Horsey' Slater episode, but they're still pretty low down on the list of Doctor Who Aliens Wot Jay Bollock Would Like To See Again.

The devious McCrory plot - turning girls into compatible girlfriends for fish creatures living in the canals - was ludicrous. The pace of the episode was slower than Joey Deacon in an egg-and-spoon race. And the finale of the episode - the simple flicking of a switch - was the biggest let down this side of my bedroom door.

I should have liked this episode, as there was lots to enjoy, but somehow it just didn't work. An episode less than the sum of its parts.

Total Score: SIX out of TEN

Amy's Choice by Simon Nye

"Ask me what happens if you die in reality"
"What happens?"
"You die, Stupid, that's why it's called reality"

After penning the Reg Holdsworth vehicle Hardware for ITV, it was only right and proper that someone of such a high calibre as Simon Nye would get to write for Doctor Who. [/sarcasm]

To be fair, this is probably one of my favourite episodes to date.

So well done, Lord Nye - all is forgiven.

Well - not all.

You're responsible for single-handedly ruining ITV's drama output, by writing Men Behaving Badly and unleashing Martin Clunes upon an unsuspecting nation and a handful of lazy ITV casting directors who think he's the fucking answer to everything. But for Amy's Choice, you have partly redeemed yourself.

With the campest - and, therefore, best - "baddie" since Bilis Manger, Toby Jones as the Dream Lord MADE this episode. And the revelation that he was the negativity of The Doctor personified gave the character a wonderful depth, and warranted a second-viewing to look for the hints and clues and whatnot.

"There's only one person in the universe who hates me as much as you do" is an extremely powerful quote once you know the truth.

The killer OAPs provided an unusual, but extremely effective, alien race for The Doctor to fight. And I laughed out loud when one of them - don't know her name, we'll call her Mrs Rod Hull - fell off the roof.

The episode also fell down, however, because it was completely obvious that the Pregnant POND was not real. The fact that neither version truly existed is irrelevant - at no point did anyone watching think: "Oh, maybe THAT is the real one"

It would have been an AMAZING shock if it HAD turned out to be real, and if Amy HAD turned out to be pregnant - I would have stood and applauded such a massive twist. But it wasn't to be. And once you lose that vital ingredient of suspense - that feel of Russian Roulette - you lose a massive part of what should have made this episode truly great.

But to The POND, her pregnancy FELT real, even if it wasn't. So when Rory died in that version of their existence, it WAS real. And she cried. And I cried. The fact she couldn't go on living without him? SO sad. And poignant. Finally, after sliding her tongue up the Doctor in Episode Five, she realises - too late - that she should be with Rory. There it was, under her nose the whole time. And she only sees it once he's gone.

Too late. Little bit dead.

A terribly sad idea, which really broke my heart. You don't know what you've got until it's gone. Remember that.

Total Score: NINE out of TEN

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Doctor Who Watch #17

The Time Of Angels/Flesh And Stone by Steven Moffat

"She's Mrs Doctor from the future, isn't she?"

The return of two of my favourite Doctor Who things - The Weeping Angels and Moll Flanders' unfeasibly big hair - together in one magnificent story? Oh, Mr Moffat how your wonderfulness makes me erect.

From the Female-James-Bond-In-Space-style opening sequence, to Matt Smith's genius impression of the TARDIS landing (avec brakes!) I was hooked. The Moff's scripts are plotted so tightly, sprinkling clues around like fairy dust. It's like a sci-fi Jonathan Creek - all the hints are there, our hero just has to piece them together. Preferably in enough time to save the day. The throwaway mention of artificial gravity becomes their escape route in the cliffhanger ending - nicely ruined by Graham Norton.

(What IS that man's problem with Doctor Who? He's obsessed with ruining it! First he natters all the way through Chris Eccleston's first episode, now he dances across Matt Smith's fairly substantial chin in cartoon form during the season's first cliffhanger. The man should be banned!)

The throwaway, glib story about the Aplans having two heads becomes vital to the plot, and offers a wonderful "penny-dropping" moment when the team realise the statues surrounding them are NOT statues - but Angels. The hairs on my neck - and scrotal sack - stood on end. A masterful bit of storytelling; drip-feeding us enough information so that we understand what the piss is going on, but not so that we can guess it before our hero does. Very Jonathan Creek.

The book with no pictures, for "the image of an Angel itself becomes an Angel" was inspired. And now with an Angel having penetrated her retina, POND rubbing her eye and dust liberally pouring out of it was probably the most effective visual... erm... well... effect that I've ever seen on the programme. Just horrible to watch. So a quick round of applause must go to that Danny Hargreaves bloke who is always popping up on Doctor Who Confidential explaining how he dun it.

Well done.

Great job.

Now get naked for me. I want to touch you.

It was a genuinely creepy two-parter. The picking off of the Soldiers/Christian Dudes one-by-one in the first part, and the soothing tones of Angel Bob, were distinctly unnerving. Although the latter was a device stolen from Miss Evangelista in The Moff's Library-based masterpiece. But when he explains that the Angels are making POND count to scare her - "just for fun" - it is quite chilling, and something that causes the Doctor to go a bit angry/mental. Matt Smith is brilliant at angry/mental.

He also does a stellar impression of Guardian TV Goddess, Miss Charlie Brooker. Listen to him saying "If we lie to her, she'll get all better" as Amy seems to be dying of Angel Eye. It is the SPIT of Charlie Brooker! Go watch it again on iPlayer. You won't be able to tell the two apart.

Amy's encounter with the VHS-based Angel wot becomes real achieved something that I didn't think was possible: Breathing new life into a Who Foe in a way that puts Dalek and Cybermen stories to shame. Fantastic that bringing the Weeping Angels back hasn't diminished their ability to seriously freak me out! And when they all turn their heads as Amy struggles around on the floor... Jesus wept, that was seriously eerie.

Also, the subtle counting down of The POND - "I'm five... five... fine" - was brilliantly realised. I didn't get what was happening until she got to SEVEN.

"SEVEN!" - She should have shouted that like Len Goodman. That would have been so friggin' sexy.

OH GOD... And POND with her eyes closed, having to walk through a forest of Fake Plastic Trees and killer statues... It was heartbreaking to see her so vulnerable.

Atmospheric and quite terrifying at times, the episode was also peppered with The Moff's usual flashes of incomparable humour:

"I made him say 'comfy chairs'..."

Amy's CRACK also makes another appearance - this time playing a major role in proceedings; swallowing people and erasing their very existences. And in a scene a little bit stolen from Doomsday, the Angels fall into it - the Doctor saving the day once more.

The only let-down was the scene where Iain (Monarch Of The) Glen was deaded by a statue, which should have been moving but instead was a relief, on account of him being a first-class dullard. But that's the ONLY complaint I have. It was a Doctor Who story that gripped from start to finish; telling a genius story, while also raising a helluva lot of other questions:

Who did Moll Flanders kill? Was it the Doctor? Was her unfeasibly massive hair the weapon of choice?

What is the explosion that causes the CRACK? The CRACK has gone "for now" - so how long do we have to wait? And will it tie in with the 26th June? A date that seems massively important to the overall plot, and also happens to be the date on which the final episode will air. See how genius The Moff is?! It's all plotted SO cleverly.

And as one young gentleman pointed out to me... In the scene where the Doctor is telling Amy to "remember what I told you when you were seven" he has his jacket on. But the Angels took his jacket moments before. Major continuity error? Or a future version of the Doctor? Given how intricate the storylining seems to be so far, I'm inclined to go with the latter.

So what did he tell Amy when she was seven?! Is it something we've seen already, or will we be seeing little Amelia again?

Fast-forward to the present day, and she's no longer seven; she's no longer little Amelia. She's Amy POND, and she's horny. After she's tongued the Doctor and tried to rub her Scottish Twunt up against his thigh, the Doctor realises something:

"I don't know why, I have no idea why, but quite possibly the most important thing in the whole universe is that I get you sorted out right now!"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she replies

Amy POND you filthy sluttish minx-whore! Bit risque, isn't it, for a kids show?! LOVED IT, though. Literally roared with laughter.

But why's it so important that she get married? On the 26th June? Just where is this all leading? I cannot WAIT to find out!

Total Score: TEN out of TEN

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Doctor Who Watch #16

The Beast Below by Steven Moffat

"I'm the bloody queen, mate"

Another work of genius from The Moff. To be honest, it's probably a bit too busy for a second episode; bit too much going on. A lot to take in, on top of trying to get used to the new Doctor, new TARDIS, new sonic, new POND... Bit early in the run to start bombarding me with musings on Democracy and Cruelty and Queen-related Timey-wimey stuff.

But that's a minor quibble.

Actually, here's another: Sophie Okinikinoinoikioiokio's comedy Dick Van Dyke impression as Liz Ten. What the frig was that all about?!

And what in the name of all that is holy are you doing employing the Demon Headmaster - the man responsible for 99% of all children's nightmares and bed-wettings in the early 90's - and then NOT using him as a baddie?! Worse than that, barely having him on screen in the first place! Shame on you, The Moff. Mr Demon Headmaster is a leg-end, and should be treated as such.

All that aside, I really enjoyed this episode. The Starwhale - surely the only name WORSE than that for a Doctor Who alien would be Clive?! - saving the UK because it couldn't bear to hear the children cry was a nice touch, and weaved in beautifully with the whole point of the Doctor. As Amy POND cleverly deduces.

The Smilers were a creepy and effective foe. But with so much else going on, they took a bit of a backseat. If only there had just been less ideas fighting for screen time. I hope (somehow) we get to see them again, because the revived Doctor Who has been lacking in truly memorable ORIGINAL baddies - save for the Ood - and these just look SO horrible that it would be a shame not to see them a bit more. Such a startling creation.

Matt Smith still continues to impress. And the scene where he and POND are in Clive's mouth. Sorry, the Starwhale's mouth, is probably one of my favourite sequences of all time. "On the plus side: Roomy!" Complete and utter genius.

A lot of things happened - including another appearance from Amy's CRACK - and there was much to praise about this episode. But because it was such a busy one, and because I'm due Covent Garden in a minute, I can't talk about all of it. Plus, the episode speaks for itself, really. And once I've mocked Liz Ten's ridiculous dialect, what else is there for me to say?! Another thumbs up for The Moff.

Total Score: EIGHT out of TEN

(Would have got a TEN if Sir Terrance of Hardiman had featured a bit more!)

Victory Of The Daleks by Mark Gatiss

"Keep buggering on!"

The problem with Dalek episodes is that they never seem as scary or potent as they did in their first 2005 appearance, in the appropriately named Dalek. The law of diminishing returns. And they're back again to prove that point rather successfully.

You can imagine the story meeting:

"What's new that can be done with the Daleks?"
"Erm... Well... Erm... We could stick 'em in World War Two, with Winston Churchill, fighting the Nazis?"

It was an inspired idea, and the World War Two elements were great. Apart from a dull subplot about some bint losing her man in battle, it was all brilliant. Bracewell turning out to be a creation of the 'Ironsides' rather than the other way round was a neat twist. Matt Smith going proper mental in a way that only Chris Eccleston has really done when faced with a Dalek was gripping. And this version of the Doctor had a SPANNER!

Sadly not dribbling as much as he did in the Doctor Who Confidential interview shown afterwards, Ian McNice-Nice-Bum-Bum (That's his ACTUAL name) put in a great performance as Winnie.

Churchill, not Mandela.

Although I'd pay good money to see that!

And for the first time since 2005, I actually found the Daleks frightening. Their toadying manner; their tea-making and folder-carrying... It was completely unnerving. The calm before the storm. You were just waiting for them to snap and revert to type. It really built up the tension in a way that no other Dalek tale had done since the Utah-based epic featuring sexy Bruno Langely and sexy Bruno Langley's bot-bot.

Shame, then, that once the Dalek's DO realise that they are mad-alien-killer-types, the episode loses its fear factor and turns into yet another farcical attempt to prolong their existence. Now in technicolour.

(Yes... The multi-coloured Daleks. Did someone say "blatent merchandising opportunity" at the back there?! No? Just me hearing things again then!)

Bracewell turning out to be a walking, talking bomb, gave the episode a nice bit of danger towards the end. It was nice to see The Doctor unable to convince Bracewell that he's human. Let's not forget, the Doctor himself isn't particularly au fait with the human emotions, what with being a Time Lord an' all.

It's left to the POND to swoop in and save the day by talking about love. Love. What could be more human than that?

It had a few good jokes - I particularly loved the Dorabella gag - and it was very atmospheric to start with, but the moment we found ourselves in the Dalek Spaceship opposite the new Duplo Daleks, I just lost all interest. A great disappointment, really.

Although I did chuckle when I misheard what the White Dalek was saying, mistaking it for: "We will shat on the planet below"

Now THAT's something new that can be done with the Daleks!

Total Score: FIVE out of TEN


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