Vampires Of Venice by Toby Whitehouse
"Did you just say something about Mummy?"
I have a lot to be thankful to Toby Whitehouse for. His episode in Series Two - School Reunion - still ranks as one of my favourites EVER. Mainly because it made me do a massive cry:
"Goodbye, MY Sarah Jane."
And as creator of Being Human, he introduced Mitchell's gorgeous body into my life, for which I shall be forever grateful, and forever damp-of-crotch.
Learning his lesson from the Rose-Mickey-Himself love triangle plot thing of the RTD OBE era, the Doctor whisks Amy and Rory off to Venice for a romantic date. The TARDIS causes people to forget those they leave behind. The Doctor is determined that this won't happen with Amy. He won't come between another couple like he did Mickey and Rose...
...Although mentioning Amy's pneumatic tonguing of last week to the man she's going to marry - while he's on his STAG DO - probably isn't the best way to ensure their relationship goes the distance. But it does lead to a genius opening scene where the Doctor pops out of the cake instead of the expected stripper:
"There's a girl standing outside in just her bikini. Someone let her in and give her a jumper? Lovely girl. Diabetic."
I laughed a lot during this episode. "Oh nice. See what you bring me? The plague!"
Rory being noted on the psychic paper as a eunuch probably went over the target audience's head, but I dun a guffaw.
POND's "I'm from Ofsted" was inspired. And the scene where Rory rails against the Doctor for kissing POND...
"And you kissed her back?!"
"No, I kissed her mouth!"
...Blissful dialogue. And the scene where the Doctor and Rory get them out. (Torches, sadly, not their magnificent cock-shafts)
"Yours is bigger than mine"
"Let's not go there"
PLUS... I would have wet myself at the "Tell me the whole plan" scene had I not seen it on a hundred-and-ninety-seventy trailers beforehand. This episode was just full of brilliant gags and genius scripting-ness.
So why didn't I enjoy it?
Matt Smith was on top form. POND and Rory rediscovering the 'fun' side of their relationship, and POND ramming her tongue down the RIGHT person (this time!) was quite heartwarming to see. Rory pulling up the Doctor on making people a danger to themselves because they want to impress him was a point well made. Loads of elements here should have made it an award-winning episode.
But instead it just dragged.
The Shit Father of the executed Nearly-Vampire-Fish-Thing-Girl was a knob. You could tell Helen McCrory and her Fish Son were bad 'uns from the moment she declared: "We will take your world" - And still, he left her there at the School Of Naughty Doings And Misdeeds.
What kind of blind fool couldn't see he was abandoning her to evilness? And, as expected, moments later, Fish Son was rubbing his helmet up the executed Nearly-Vampire-Fish-Thing-Girl's pelvic floor and you just knew things were going to end badly. Already there's ZERO sympathy for Shit Father's plight because it's all down to Shit Father's own stupidity.
The fact they weren't vampires - but poorly-realised Fish People - was a disappointment. Luckily they weren't as offensive as the Hath or those wanky Fly Creatures from the Zoe 'Horsey' Slater episode, but they're still pretty low down on the list of Doctor Who Aliens Wot Jay Bollock Would Like To See Again.
The devious McCrory plot - turning girls into compatible girlfriends for fish creatures living in the canals - was ludicrous. The pace of the episode was slower than Joey Deacon in an egg-and-spoon race. And the finale of the episode - the simple flicking of a switch - was the biggest let down this side of my bedroom door.
I should have liked this episode, as there was lots to enjoy, but somehow it just didn't work. An episode less than the sum of its parts.
Total Score: SIX out of TEN
"Did you just say something about Mummy?"
I have a lot to be thankful to Toby Whitehouse for. His episode in Series Two - School Reunion - still ranks as one of my favourites EVER. Mainly because it made me do a massive cry:
"Goodbye, MY Sarah Jane."
And as creator of Being Human, he introduced Mitchell's gorgeous body into my life, for which I shall be forever grateful, and forever damp-of-crotch.
Learning his lesson from the Rose-Mickey-Himself love triangle plot thing of the RTD OBE era, the Doctor whisks Amy and Rory off to Venice for a romantic date. The TARDIS causes people to forget those they leave behind. The Doctor is determined that this won't happen with Amy. He won't come between another couple like he did Mickey and Rose...
...Although mentioning Amy's pneumatic tonguing of last week to the man she's going to marry - while he's on his STAG DO - probably isn't the best way to ensure their relationship goes the distance. But it does lead to a genius opening scene where the Doctor pops out of the cake instead of the expected stripper:
"There's a girl standing outside in just her bikini. Someone let her in and give her a jumper? Lovely girl. Diabetic."
I laughed a lot during this episode. "Oh nice. See what you bring me? The plague!"
Rory being noted on the psychic paper as a eunuch probably went over the target audience's head, but I dun a guffaw.
POND's "I'm from Ofsted" was inspired. And the scene where Rory rails against the Doctor for kissing POND...
"And you kissed her back?!"
"No, I kissed her mouth!"
...Blissful dialogue. And the scene where the Doctor and Rory get them out. (Torches, sadly, not their magnificent cock-shafts)
"Yours is bigger than mine"
"Let's not go there"
PLUS... I would have wet myself at the "Tell me the whole plan" scene had I not seen it on a hundred-and-ninety-seventy trailers beforehand. This episode was just full of brilliant gags and genius scripting-ness.
So why didn't I enjoy it?
Matt Smith was on top form. POND and Rory rediscovering the 'fun' side of their relationship, and POND ramming her tongue down the RIGHT person (this time!) was quite heartwarming to see. Rory pulling up the Doctor on making people a danger to themselves because they want to impress him was a point well made. Loads of elements here should have made it an award-winning episode.
But instead it just dragged.
The Shit Father of the executed Nearly-Vampire-Fish-Thing-Girl was a knob. You could tell Helen McCrory and her Fish Son were bad 'uns from the moment she declared: "We will take your world" - And still, he left her there at the School Of Naughty Doings And Misdeeds.
What kind of blind fool couldn't see he was abandoning her to evilness? And, as expected, moments later, Fish Son was rubbing his helmet up the executed Nearly-Vampire-Fish-Thing-Girl's pelvic floor and you just knew things were going to end badly. Already there's ZERO sympathy for Shit Father's plight because it's all down to Shit Father's own stupidity.
The fact they weren't vampires - but poorly-realised Fish People - was a disappointment. Luckily they weren't as offensive as the Hath or those wanky Fly Creatures from the Zoe 'Horsey' Slater episode, but they're still pretty low down on the list of Doctor Who Aliens Wot Jay Bollock Would Like To See Again.
The devious McCrory plot - turning girls into compatible girlfriends for fish creatures living in the canals - was ludicrous. The pace of the episode was slower than Joey Deacon in an egg-and-spoon race. And the finale of the episode - the simple flicking of a switch - was the biggest let down this side of my bedroom door.
I should have liked this episode, as there was lots to enjoy, but somehow it just didn't work. An episode less than the sum of its parts.
Total Score: SIX out of TEN
Amy's Choice by Simon Nye
"Ask me what happens if you die in reality"
"What happens?"
"You die, Stupid, that's why it's called reality"
After penning the Reg Holdsworth vehicle Hardware for ITV, it was only right and proper that someone of such a high calibre as Simon Nye would get to write for Doctor Who. [/sarcasm]
To be fair, this is probably one of my favourite episodes to date.
So well done, Lord Nye - all is forgiven.
Well - not all.
You're responsible for single-handedly ruining ITV's drama output, by writing Men Behaving Badly and unleashing Martin Clunes upon an unsuspecting nation and a handful of lazy ITV casting directors who think he's the fucking answer to everything. But for Amy's Choice, you have partly redeemed yourself.
With the campest - and, therefore, best - "baddie" since Bilis Manger, Toby Jones as the Dream Lord MADE this episode. And the revelation that he was the negativity of The Doctor personified gave the character a wonderful depth, and warranted a second-viewing to look for the hints and clues and whatnot.
"There's only one person in the universe who hates me as much as you do" is an extremely powerful quote once you know the truth.
The killer OAPs provided an unusual, but extremely effective, alien race for The Doctor to fight. And I laughed out loud when one of them - don't know her name, we'll call her Mrs Rod Hull - fell off the roof.
The episode also fell down, however, because it was completely obvious that the Pregnant POND was not real. The fact that neither version truly existed is irrelevant - at no point did anyone watching think: "Oh, maybe THAT is the real one"
It would have been an AMAZING shock if it HAD turned out to be real, and if Amy HAD turned out to be pregnant - I would have stood and applauded such a massive twist. But it wasn't to be. And once you lose that vital ingredient of suspense - that feel of Russian Roulette - you lose a massive part of what should have made this episode truly great.
But to The POND, her pregnancy FELT real, even if it wasn't. So when Rory died in that version of their existence, it WAS real. And she cried. And I cried. The fact she couldn't go on living without him? SO sad. And poignant. Finally, after sliding her tongue up the Doctor in Episode Five, she realises - too late - that she should be with Rory. There it was, under her nose the whole time. And she only sees it once he's gone.
Too late. Little bit dead.
A terribly sad idea, which really broke my heart. You don't know what you've got until it's gone. Remember that.
Total Score: NINE out of TEN
"Ask me what happens if you die in reality"
"What happens?"
"You die, Stupid, that's why it's called reality"
After penning the Reg Holdsworth vehicle Hardware for ITV, it was only right and proper that someone of such a high calibre as Simon Nye would get to write for Doctor Who. [/sarcasm]
To be fair, this is probably one of my favourite episodes to date.
So well done, Lord Nye - all is forgiven.
Well - not all.
You're responsible for single-handedly ruining ITV's drama output, by writing Men Behaving Badly and unleashing Martin Clunes upon an unsuspecting nation and a handful of lazy ITV casting directors who think he's the fucking answer to everything. But for Amy's Choice, you have partly redeemed yourself.
With the campest - and, therefore, best - "baddie" since Bilis Manger, Toby Jones as the Dream Lord MADE this episode. And the revelation that he was the negativity of The Doctor personified gave the character a wonderful depth, and warranted a second-viewing to look for the hints and clues and whatnot.
"There's only one person in the universe who hates me as much as you do" is an extremely powerful quote once you know the truth.
The killer OAPs provided an unusual, but extremely effective, alien race for The Doctor to fight. And I laughed out loud when one of them - don't know her name, we'll call her Mrs Rod Hull - fell off the roof.
The episode also fell down, however, because it was completely obvious that the Pregnant POND was not real. The fact that neither version truly existed is irrelevant - at no point did anyone watching think: "Oh, maybe THAT is the real one"
It would have been an AMAZING shock if it HAD turned out to be real, and if Amy HAD turned out to be pregnant - I would have stood and applauded such a massive twist. But it wasn't to be. And once you lose that vital ingredient of suspense - that feel of Russian Roulette - you lose a massive part of what should have made this episode truly great.
But to The POND, her pregnancy FELT real, even if it wasn't. So when Rory died in that version of their existence, it WAS real. And she cried. And I cried. The fact she couldn't go on living without him? SO sad. And poignant. Finally, after sliding her tongue up the Doctor in Episode Five, she realises - too late - that she should be with Rory. There it was, under her nose the whole time. And she only sees it once he's gone.
Too late. Little bit dead.
A terribly sad idea, which really broke my heart. You don't know what you've got until it's gone. Remember that.
Total Score: NINE out of TEN
-
